Not sure what to do.

[choice]

I'm not sure what to do. I'm 50 days AF and dealing with a very bad feeling about my boyfriends drunk behavior Friday night. I feel like an outsider and I feel stupid. Rationally I know I'm not, but when someone is new to a sober life has anyone ever experienced feeling like a failure due to someone else who gets drunk and takes it out on them? Where does one hide their feelings when dealing with this? I know this is a foolish question but I honestly don't know what to do. Do I suggest he do 30 days AF? Leave it alone? Hope it doesn't happen again? Was this just a mistake?? We were doing so well.. I'm so tired. I didn't drink AL but I feel just as ashamed. I also know this is co-dependent. I'm just so hurt by how he talked to me that night and I did my best to not feel like a looser for not being liked by his drinking buddies. It still hurts though. I'm going to try and stay sober as long as I can. I feel really lonely. I know this sober way has to be the right way and worth it. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time. I know drinking will only make this worse.

[Theme2be]

Not sure what to do.

Dear friend~
You may feel lonely but you are not alone.50 days!!!!!!! That is spectacular and I believe you are so brave.
But abusive words from someone hurts. I have behaved in ways unmentionable under the influence.
I wish your partner supported you more enough to respect your sobriety?
Your sobriety is life, its everything. It is first and foremost. Let me say that due to the nature of my struggle I am about to take drastic measures. Be fierce in your fight to not put it into your body.
Breath in peace and feel your bodies freedom.

I hold you close and embrace you. Make a vision board that expresses all the wonderfull colors of your personality and spirit and essence.
Stay close to this place, mwo. Allow kind words to enter in and edge out the nasty ones.
Allow yourself to be respected.

I respect you deeply~
Karen

[mario]

Not sure what to do.

Well done on 50 days choice, great going,

[Chillgirl]

Not sure what to do.

Choice - as Theme says 50 days is spectacular!! It so hard when people we care about are cruel to us, we take it so personally but you have to remember that other peoples actions are about what is going on with them and usually very little to do with us or what they actually say to us. Put AL into the mix and you get double crap.

You should be so so proud of yourself and you have nothing in the world to feel ashamed about. Hold your head up high and stand up for what you believe in. If you partner has a problem with you being AF that's his problem and he probably secretly resents you because he sees you as strong and himself as weak. Tell him you were not happy with his behavior and won't put up with it happening again. If he's willing to be supportive then you could give him another chance. Whatever happens DONT compromise your sobriety, you are doing amazingly well.

[gyco]

Not sure what to do.

what a name

choice;979625 wrote: I'm not sure what to do. I'm 50 days AF and dealing with a very bad feeling about my boyfriends drunk behavior Friday night. I feel like an outsider and I feel stupid. Rationally I know I'm not, but when someone is new to a sober life has anyone ever experienced feeling like a failure due to someone else who gets drunk and takes it out on them? Where does one hide their feelings when dealing with this? I know this is a foolish question but I honestly don't know what to do. Do I suggest he do 30 days AF? Leave it alone? Hope it doesn't happen again? Was this just a mistake?? We were doing so well.. I'm so tired. I didn't drink AL but I feel just as ashamed. I also know this is co-dependent. I'm just so hurt by how he talked to me that night and I did my best to not feel like a looser for not being liked by his drinking buddies. It still hurts though. I'm going to try and stay sober as long as I can. I feel really lonely. I know this sober way has to be the right way and worth it. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time. I know drinking will only make this worse.

hi choice,the answer is in your name,:goodjobn the consecutive days,youve worked hard for what youve achieved,why have it uined by others,sobriety is a long journey,i do wish you well gyco:thanks:

[mama bear]

Not sure what to do.

ditto what everyone else says choice.....you are doing this for YOU...my has questioned what I am doing, but he had no idea how much i was drinking...
ask for his support and see how he responds

[Guitarista]

Not sure what to do.

Hi Choice.

Just stay on your path. You are doing great! We must be ruthless with our sobriety, especially in the early day's, so hold onto it for all you are worth. Ride out the storm, and stick with your plan. Remember why you stopped drinking, and keep this/these reason's at the front of your thinking at all times. Congratulation's on 50 day's. Get to 60, then another 60, and keep it going.
Don't worry what other's are doing, get yourself right. And if your b/f doesn't respect your decision to be sober, time he hit the road along with his mates!

Best wishes, and do what you have to do to hold onto your sobriety, your life, your freedom.

[pompeyman]

Not sure what to do.

keep going ....... x PM

[Panno]

Not sure what to do.

Sheri what a beautiful and wise poem, thank you for sharing. :l

[hart]

Not sure what to do.

Choice, I know exactly what you mean hon. My hubby and I are co-dependent alcoholics. And sometimes, when Joe wants to drink and I don't I know he wishes I would. 50 days is awesome! I could only achieve that or more when we were both sober.

Me, I'm a communicator. I would sit ur boyfriend down and tell him just what you feel, that even though you are sober, his behavior when drunk causes you to feel bad and threatens that sobriety. If he can't handle the truth you may have to re-evaluate your choices. xxxxoooo

[choice]

Not sure what to do.

:thanks: Everyone for your responses. I had a long talk with my boyfriend last night and it went well. Even though it was sad and hard to see him struggle. (I just wrote a huge post in the October Sober thread) so I'm feeling a little funny about writing too much.. but it's really helping me feel grounded and I'm kinda grasping for that at the moment. I'm pretty thankful that this forum is anon. I've bottled up so much and haven't felt comfortable discussing any of this with people who know me who might judge my decisions first to go sober and to stay with someone who's been battling with AL for a long time.

I know a sober life has a lot more to it then just not drinking, and I do think dealing with problems are much more manageable AF, so I'm choosing to stay sober and not moderate, regardless of what my boyfriend decides to do. I'm very relieved after I got my upset feelings off my chest, and cleared the air with him because I don't feel as bad, ashamed, or embarrassed today for something I didn't do. And I was exausted pretending to be "okay". I think I was carrying his load and it was a bit to heavy. That's why I think I felt like I was failing, because it's impossible to confront my own drinking problem, deal with it ODAT and then try and pretend his getting really drunk didn't affect me.

What's challenging is seeing him go through those feelings of guilt and shame and just letting him take responsibility without rushing in and reassuring him it's all "okay"... It wasn't and it's not. I can't change him, but all I know is I wouldn't be sober now if I didn't see that my drinking wasn't okay. He did a good job last night admitting he has a major problem and that he knows without doubt that he is an alcoholic. I was kind of speechless when he said that. I thought he'd say, "just because your not drinking it doesn't mean I can't". He said he felt ashamed, scared and weak. Then he had a panic attack and shook. For now I'm going to see what he does about it and try and extend the same support he has given me in the past 51 days. (um, except for the coming home drunk and acting like a big shot).

He feels like a fool now.. man, I hate how that feels myself. I only told him what he did that he couldn't remember. He said he already knew a lot of it because he'd followed his trail on Facebook. Yeeks.. ya, he really had a rough night. I hated every min. of it, but I don't hate him. It was like babysitting a very impaired huge child throwing a temper tantrum then getting distracted, overly happy, emotional, spacey.. Honestly I was glad when he got on Facebook because it kept him from talking AT me.

Last night he said he was so sorry if his actions made me want to drink, and that he was so proud of me for NOT drinking. He also admitted that my strength in staying sober was intimidating and he didn't think he could do it. I don't know what he can do only he knows that... But I have been impressed at how he can say NO and how he can stop after two... For over a year I had been tying really hard to follow his lead with this but couldn't. I know, all slippery slopes but I can only really control my own drinking by not drinking. I'm so new at being sober that I don't know what to do about my relationship except stay put.

Overall during my AF journey, I have felt lucky and don't know what I would have done without his support during this time. I can support him either going AF or deciding to moderate. He told me he doesn't want to make any promises about NEVER getting drunk again because he just feels too weak around AL sometimes and sometimes it wins. I really understand that. He said he could try the 30 days AF but he is really scared he'll fail. I feel like saying join the club!!! I'm scared I won't make 6 months AF, I'm scared I couldn't get through yesterday!!! But, I kept my cool. When I started I said I'd try. Baby steps.