Well I'm back.
ok well thanks to One2's lovely thoughtful post I'm in better spirits today.
I did however break my piss-weak attempts at clocking up some af days as I had 5 glasses of wine last night. Oh yeah, good one Beagle you f***ing twit. I'm not hungover at all, don't feel sick or physically ill, just mentally flagellating away. Talk about weak willed.
Another day in the office today doing the farm cashbook. Outside is bordering on hot again, with the ever present wind scorching the earth once more. It's drier than an Arab's fart. I'm getting callouses on my left arse cheek from sitting here. Find it very difficult to bolt myself to the task of getting the cashbooks done, always been a bit restless when it comes to this sort of work & never had a good head for numbers - bores me shitless. But then I'm sorta stuck as outside is definately unattractive.
Luckily an air-conditioning repair fella is due by the end of the week.
How much can a koala bear? The feeling of being "trapped" on this farm is growing & the clinical side of me steps back & wonders how much longer the "dutiful wife" will hold out. Part of it is the fear of confrontation & the explosive disruption that big changes bring. I wish to simply leave & go live elsewhere, but how does one put that diplomatically, especially as I'm not renowned for my diplomacy. Harvest will be upon us soon & I pray for changes to start WITH me, not BECAUSE of me, if you know what I mean. The husband & the FIL are really on the cusp. They are pushing the snowball up the hill & nearly at the cliff's edge whereupon once it goes over, avalanche will follow. I want that avalanche badly.
I feel no connection here any more. This town, these people, mentally i have moved on & I only wait until I can physically follow. ah to be elsewhere.
Regrets? in some ways yes. i regret getting married & moving down here. BUT our life experiences shape us, make us who we are. does that mean i regret who i am? Yes, to be honest i do regret who i am.
On the other hand i have met some lovely people down here & have my horses &.......mmmm. My lovely horses can still be with me elsewhere, & i can make new friends.
Oh well, it's back into those financials ( which, by the way, scare the crap outta me cos we're so close to the edge money wise - does nothing for my anxiety i'll give you the tip!)
& I'll write more again later.
ok well thanks to One2's lovely thoughtful post I'm in better spirits today.
I did however break my piss-weak attempts at clocking up some af days as I had 5 glasses of wine last night. Oh yeah, good one Beagle you f***ing twit. I'm not hungover at all, don't feel sick or physically ill, just mentally flagellating away. Talk about weak willed.
Another day in the office today doing the farm cashbook. Outside is bordering on hot again, with the ever present wind scorching the earth once more. It's drier than an Arab's fart. I'm getting callouses on my left arse cheek from sitting here. Find it very difficult to bolt myself to the task of getting the cashbooks done, always been a bit restless when it comes to this sort of work & never had a good head for numbers - bores me shitless. But then I'm sorta stuck as outside is definately unattractive.
Luckily an air-conditioning repair fella is due by the end of the week.
How much can a koala bear? The feeling of being "trapped" on this farm is growing & the clinical side of me steps back & wonders how much longer the "dutiful wife" will hold out. Part of it is the fear of confrontation & the explosive disruption that big changes bring. I wish to simply leave & go live elsewhere, but how does one put that diplomatically, especially as I'm not renowned for my diplomacy. Harvest will be upon us soon & I pray for changes to start WITH me, not BECAUSE of me, if you know what I mean. The husband & the FIL are really on the cusp. They are pushing the snowball up the hill & nearly at the cliff's edge whereupon once it goes over, avalanche will follow. I want that avalanche badly.
I feel no connection here any more. This town, these people, mentally i have moved on & I only wait until I can physically follow. ah to be elsewhere.
Regrets? in some ways yes. i regret getting married & moving down here. BUT our life experiences shape us, make us who we are. does that mean i regret who i am? Yes, to be honest i do regret who i am.
On the other hand i have met some lovely people down here & have my horses &.......mmmm. My lovely horses can still be with me elsewhere, & i can make new friends.
Oh well, it's back into those financials ( which, by the way, scare the crap outta me cos we're so close to the edge money wise - does nothing for my anxiety i'll give you the tip!)
& I'll write more again later.
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