Well I'm back.

[startingover]

Well I'm back.

Well, you have just about summed up how I got sober two years ago
It really does work, and I would never have done it alone.
AND I have made lifelong friends in the process, friends who I know will always be there for me as I for them

[beagle]

Well I'm back.

count me in starts, i hear ya.

[startingover]

Well I'm back.

Good on ya Beags

[Miss Behaving]

Well I'm back.

Beagle I am so happy to see you back and starting again. You sound very determined and that is good. We are all right here with you.

[sapphire1]

Well I'm back.

Morning Beags,

Cant wait for another hilarious installment in the life of Beagle. My last puppie was Rosie....brought me relentless joy for over 16 years. Have to zoom, will check in later to see what you are up to. Stay well my friend, Saffy xx

[Mish]

Well I'm back.

i've missed you...

[beagle]

Well I'm back.

Day 2

how nice to wake up this a.m level headed!
Didn't find yesterday too much of a stretch, I just stayed in the moment,trying to to over-analyse things. Felt good about not drinking. Last night was easy for me too. Drank diet coke. Got bloated as a subsequence,but luckily the excessive gas erupted from my mouth not my butt. All in the privacy of my own home. Bliss.
Did not sleep well though. Lesser of 2 evils & I'm sure that will improve.
So today was up at 6.30 am to enjoy that quiet,calm,cool morning that only life on a farm in the summer can provide. I got to enjoy a water feature for a bit when I turned the sprinklers on.
Then out to work the Haggis ( ie the mare) & with only 1 hissy fit we had a good session.
Back in now out of the increasing warmth to do book work. Joy. Exultation.
Oh, did I mention that the air-conditioner fuzzled? Oh yeah, bring on the heat. It's a race (an Amazing one) to see who'll come first : the 35 degree days or the man to fix the bloody thing. I'm banking on the former.

On a more serious note : still finding that I'd love to TALK to someone in a way that's as familiar as here. People say that yeah,there's always someone around - yes that is true but they're never a phone call away. A post is still half a world away & a few time zones.
There is one or 2 people on here I've plagued a bit for contact & I apologise for that.
But on the other hand,previous experience has shown me that a) even if you do TALK to someone, they aren't necessarily in a position to talk BACK given time/family & b) curiously, the easy going conversations that flow on here seem to stall & become awkward. Hmmm. The nature of the internet. Always easier to type away anonymously on a keyboard. I must thus pull on my big girl's blouse & deal with it.
Will type more in a while.

[beagle]

Well I'm back.

Day 3.

I'm drawing a bit of a blank currently. The mood slip is palpable. It's amazing how the environment is influencing my mind set. Very tough to keep the positivity going here. It is hot, dry & windy. The husband is getting more & more depressed. Talks less, sighs more. When he chats to his father there is much doom & gloom & regrets & despair in his voice.
This is coming back onto me now, I can see the start of the decline, where I was earlier, before I went away. Was it the away from the farm, the location or the husband? Too hard to tell which, maybe all 3. By location I mean geographics. The isolation of this farm individually.
Had a friend drop round last night but I feel detached talking to her. I feel that I cannot trust her & she has hidden agendas etc etc. She mentioned that I rang her a few nights ago but I really REALLY cannot recall that - it sorta sends me a bit panicky to wonder if my memory is completely shot. BUT I am certain I have not had that phone call & this girl is a bit of a pathological liar at times....I wonder if she's aware of it? Disturbed slightly this a.m thats for sure.
Something doesn't feel right. Not sure what.
So instead of feeling good & bright & shiny this a.m I feel the opposite. WHY. I can also feel anxiety building in a quiet, slimy sort of way, like a filthy insect with a good IQ creeping up while you're sitting in a chair reading.
Not nice.

[Pink Angel]

Well I'm back.

Hi Beags! Welcome home.
I know how you feel. Im so sick and tired of alcohol ruling my every thought and being the sole thing i base decisions around. Makes me feel like a prisoner.
Well not any more. take care my friend xx

[beagle]

Well I'm back.

trouble is Pinky I'm on day 3 af so is it paranoia or what?!

[NoraC]

Well I'm back.

Hi Beagle - I just wanted to drop by & say hi. I read your post and I'm sorry but I don't know your whole story like those that already know you. But, I did want to comment on the anxiety that you are feeling. I do not think it is paranoia - I do think it is just anxiety from not drinking. Congrats on Day 3 - that is fantastic but it also can make you feel like this. Believe me I know from first hand experience. I call it the crawling out of my skin nerves.

[beagle]

Well I'm back.

thanks NoraC you may very well be quite right.
I hate feeling vaguely disturbed & not knowing why. It's like my universe has tilted off it's axis & as a typical Taurean I hate that sort of imbalance.
Shit fire & save matches!

[beagle]

Well I'm back.

day 3 has dissolved. mood despairing. tears threaten. all hints of sparkle dulled.
i'm back to me. hating myself in the mirror.
no people not drunk.
just......not.here.

[one2many]

Well I'm back.

Beaglebint.....Days 3's (drink or smokes) can be tough, emotions all over the place, wanting to but not wanting to....craving the very thing that makes you sick....a fucking emotional whirlwind...

depressed because you can't and doubly depressed because you want to.

I too understand dark moods that have plagued me since my teenage years, I do understand that pressure on your head that forces you down and I do know the feeling of if somebody told you that you won the Lotto, you would reply..."so what..Fuck off".

But it does lift, you know it does...there is light at the end of the tunnel (albeit a feint hue)

You are not alone in your feelings hon (altho, I have to say that St John's Wort and postive thinking has helped me recently but not alieviated it completely, it has certainly made a big difference)

Stay close My Beaglebum, we are all here for you xxx Happy days are right around the corner.




Turn Your Face To The Sun
Maithri Goonetilleke

Beloved,

There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise.

On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone.

Turn your face to the sun.

There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase.

There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy.

Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent. It pours from the heart of every moment. From the light of every smile.

On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds.

But on some days, Beloved. On days like today....

We need to look, to see.

So turn your face to the sun.

Even when she is nowhere to be seen.

Go inside yourself. Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for.

'Yes', the day has worn you. And 'Yes' our mistakes have been so many.

But say 'Thank you' anyway.

Take account of all that is in your possession.

A mind. A heart. A body.

A life that breathes, even if for just one more day.

Now count the eyes that have smiled
at you on your wild journey,

the hands that have held you tenderly,

the ears that have listened,

the prayers that have been made on your behalf.

And whisper your 'Thank you' again.

Count the sky that has watched you grow
with His painted eyes,

The heaving waves that find their echo
in the tides of your breathing,

The little birds that have sung
you their songs,

The stars which have been a lamp
to your path,
and are your
rightful inheritance.

Count unexpected laughter,

Count undeserved grace,

Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born,

And bow your head and say 'thank you',

Now count the lives who still need your light,

The hungry, the sick, the helpless,

Count the children who will die today

and imagine if with the breath of your body
you could help just
one.

Turn your face to the sun,
And know yourself as a child of the light.

You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished,

The love that burns through the darkest night.

And perhaps,
In turning
You will see what i have seen,
that this day where everything seemed wrong,
was not your curse,

It was your gift,

Your chance...

To find inside yourself a forgotten 'thank you',

To smile in the face of the grim suppressors,

To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness
and turn your face to the sun.

[beagle]

Well I'm back.

thank you one2 you are such a lovely person.