Consummed with guilt and shame

[Reenie]

My husband, family and husband's family are aware of my alcohol abuse. Everyone is frustrated and feel helpless. They are being supportive, but say it's up to me. I got DUI a couple of months back. I was in Intensive Outpatient for 3 months. I had 3 slips. IOP has said they have done all they can do for me. It's time for a residential program for as long as my insurance will hold out. I'm looking into a new place this week after an assessment with yet another therapist.

My shame, guilt, and low self esteem has only egged on my drinking. My husband wants a divorce. I feel like this is the darkest time of my life. Please, for those who are sober for a long time, please tell me it gets better. I have to work on me first, I know, but dont want to lose my husband. I am so down and embarrassed.

[rubywillow]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Reenie, I was dying. Truly. It does get better. The site I posted for you was tiny, wonderful, and I never regret it. Hang on. PM me. Anything I can do to help you, OK?

[Reenie]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Thank you... I'll be in touch shortly.

[rubywillow]

Consummed with guilt and shame

OK, Out to walk dogs a few minutes, but I'll be back. Hang on.

[sapphire1]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Hi Reenie,

I feel you r pain. I have been sober for three months after waging a ten year battle and previously only managing about 2 weeks at a time before thinking that I was cured and fallling back down again. I dont have long term sobriety as many many others on here have, but I can tell you that there has been a remarkable change in me over the past three months. I have so much optimism for the future and have my positive, can do mind set back (I thought I would never see that again) and really feel that this is my time to live and let go of a lot of pain, anger, guilt, shame etc. and in its place the real me is shining through...perhaps for the first time in my life. You say that residential rehab is an option for you...do you want to do this? I know of people who have done that and never looked back...if you are going to commit to this, it will send a message to your husband and family that you are truly committed to wellness....that committment is a huge relief for loved ones. I have had 2 DUI's and currently cannot drive for another 17months...I thought that this was the end of the world as I value my independence so much....but in a way, it has set me free. I am grateful that the option to drive and possibly kill someone including myself has been taken away and now I can concentrate of staying well. You are right when you say that you have to do this for yourself......it has to be all about you for now. Because what is at stake is your life....without that you have nothing. Rebuilding relationships with loved ones will come when they can see some progress, but start with the relationship that you have with yourself. Getting sober isnt easy, but staying drunk is much much harder, especially as watch everything around you that is important disappear a bit at a time. For me, life is fantastic, my anxiety and depression has gone, my health is returning and relationships with loved ones now on solid ground. Do you have a plan to help you get or stay sober? Have you looked at the Toolbox thread on this site, it is packed with wisdom and ideas to help. Stay on the boards for a while and ask questions to the long termers. There is a better life out there waiting for you to come and grab it with both hands Reenie, you can do it. Saff

[Doggygirl]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Reenie, I am so glad you are willing to go to rehab. In my experience, I had to want sobriety for myself, and for a long time had to just stay focused on my recovery and not worry about the rest of life. Everything DOES get better, and it all works out the way it is going to.

I am blessed to be surrounded in AA by truly long term sober people. People who have been through every up and down this life has to offer, and they've managed to stay sober through it all. What these people all say is that it's a matter of learning how to not pick up the first drink. I no longer worry about tomorrow or next year in any way. I try to make each day count. Moment by moment I don't drink. It gets SO much easier with time.

I accept I will never be fixed.
I accept (and cherish) that I need to be in fellowship with other people just like me.
I accept that the ONLY drink I have to worry about is the first one. None of the other ones matter.

LOL I feel like throwing out every "ism" I've ever heard in hopes that there is just one that you can grab on to. I hope you will find a way to live and breathe each moment with your sobriety as your absolute number 1 priority. I do know that's one very important piece of the puzzle.

:l

DG

[Reenie]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Sapphire and DoggyGirl.... Thank you! I needed to hear/read something positive. I am, was a strong person. I've been fighting this battle for 5 years now. I think the more I decided to drink (always a negative consequence), the more guilt, embarrassement and shame I felt. I know alcoholism is progressive. I think I took it to another level. I think I took it to "really to myself in". I asked for the DUI. I got it! I wondered if my marriage was ever going to be effected. I did it! My husband wants a divorce. I've been to rehab for 16 days last year. Obviously that wasn't long enough. I jut completed Intensive Out Patient. Due to my 3 slips since late July, I was told this treatment plan is not working for me and I should go into Residential. I'm going to be assessed this week. Take the advice and run with it. I want to be sober. I think I'm purposely abusing myself! I'm in bad shape right now mentally. No one to talk to. I can't drive anywhere. My husband is gone for the weekend. I cant stop crying. I am praying. I could have called an AA or two for a ride. Right now, I'm not emotionally sane. To see me, and to speak to me, you would think I'm a person who has her crap together. I totally unraveled this week. Thank you for writing to me.

[Doggygirl]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Reenie, if you get tired of being alone and you have some AA phone numbers, don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call. People are very willing to help. People want to pass on what was so freely given to them. I like that you are being willing to reach out to the sober people you know and ask for help. That is such an important step - you have no idea.

I met a girl the other day who just came out of a 5 month stint in a really difficult rehab (low budget, very not-fancy). She is a heroin addict who has seriously OD'd 3 times and on the last occassion, she flat lined and the doctors declared her dead. She is still very much alive and she is clean for today. If she can do it, I know I can do it. If I can do it, I know that you can do it too. WE can. You are not alone.

DG

[rubywillow]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Reenie, I went to Pensacola FL for 28 days. Not a vacation by any means. It was October, weather turned mean and cold, but NEVER will I foget what I learned. At first, I played my normal game wih them. The others bought it, but not the counselors. They actually wanted me to stay longer, and maybe I should have, but Hubs had to have me home. I stayed completely sober 3 months, then drank some. No one's fault but mine, because I was still role playing, still pretending in my sobriety I didn't REALLY have a problem, looked at everyone else and diagnosed theirs. But toward the end, I had an epiphany, and though I regressed some, I'll never forget, never regret, what I saw and learned. It took me decades to get there, and years to get back. There is hope, but we have to REALLY open our mind to our problem, to ourselves, to what we are doing. It's not easy. In 28 days, it took me 23 to finally understand to shut my mouth, my memory, and listen.Learn.
I'm sorry your life is in turmoil, but you CAN still recover yourself. Maybe not everything else, but YOU are the most important part of this equation. I had TWO DUI's, though one was really not mine, I wasn't driving (no excuses, long story.) Should have taught me, but just made me mad. Now I'm furious at those who drink while drinking. So, again, I'll give you any info I can. Stay in touch. It's still no magic bullet, but its time without any possibility of AL.

[dexterhead]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Hi Reenie, I have no answers for you, but you were one of the very first people who responded to me when I joined this site ... I just wanted to let you know that I KNOW you are going to get through this and we here are pulling for you!!:h:l

[PhoenixRising]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Just wanted to stop by and give you a hug :l and let you know that you can do this.

[Peacefull]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Lots of wonderful support here, keep coming back. You are going through a really hard time right now and AL won't make it easier, keep occupied and do whatever you can to stay sober.

Take care of yourself and try hard not to beat yourself up, it will only set you up to drink as you know and I know it is not easy as I struggle myself with beating myself up.

[KateH1]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Hi Reenie,
You were one of the first people that I met when I arrived here at MWO. At that time,I could have easily written the same words that you wrote at the beginning of this thread. Alcohol leaves us in such a desparate, sad and isolated place. We know longer know ourselves, and it is no wonder those that love us know longer recoginze us either. But, there is hope! I do not believe that "time" alone heals all wounds. But I do believe that "Positive,Change" Can and Does Heal. I have seen this happen in my own life. It had to begin with me getting and staying sober. It does not happen overnight, but the time and effort is so worth the effort. Over the past, nearly 3 years of living sober, I have experienced remarkable changes in both myself and those around me. I have also learned the power of a sincere "apology". Renee, I know you have been courageously battling this disease of alcohol for a very long time. Whether you find your answers in rehab, AA, MWO or another way, I hope that you will finally find your way out!

DG put it perfectly. None of us is every "cured". But, as long as we never pick up that first drink, we can life happy, fulfilling lives.

Best Wishes, to you dear Renee and if I can ever help you, please do not hesitate to pm, me.

XXX Kate

[lil.michelle]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Hi hunni, have you thought of trying antabuse? Are you using drink to help with depression? I went to a hypnotist and it's worked wonders for me. I no longer think about drinkevery second of my life, i no longer have to have real fights with myself, i now have WILL POWER for when those cravings come. Thinking about drink and battling the problem is exhausting both mentally and physically. I personally would take the antabuse so you CAN'T drink and if you do, you get really sick and try going to see a hypnotist... Worth a shot.
I'm always here of you want to talk XXXX Stay as strong as you can!

[rubywillow]

Consummed with guilt and shame

Reenie, I sent you both and e-mail today. both of you, hang in there. You care enough to come here, ask for help without complaining constantly about your lot in life. Someone always has a bad time, even those you think are just cruising along. This is YOUR life, your journey. Make it count, don't waste it. And don't wait to look back and have regrets, since they're useless. YES, it's tough as hell. But so is anything worth doing, and having. You both have people here who really care about you. You're important. Stay here, work on this, ask for support. :huggy
Rubes