On A Mishn

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Days 9 and 10 All continues to go well. I tried the drinking thing, bought a bottle of wine and consumed it over the evening. It was totally boring. I didn't get anything out of it at all except a bit of a headache this morning. I was 'affected' by it, but without any 'pleasure' from the experience. Therefore, I must conclude that Naltrexone really does block the transmittors from experiencing those sensations that lead one to become and remain an addict. I could do this using the Sinclair Method, but don't really see the point. Why spend the money on booze when I get just as much out of a glass of Coke?
I went to an opthamologist yesterday, hoping that my astigmatism can be treated by laser. It can, but in my case, the better option is to have lens implants. It's more expensive than the laser treatment, but the results will be permanent. I'm seriously thinking about this as my reward for not drinking. They have a 12 month interest free payment plan, although the clinic has to be paid up front on the day for the bed, anaesthetist etc. I can have a local anaesthetic with sedative or be put under. It's similar to a cateract operation and I think most of those are done with the patient conscious, so I'll probably do that if it's a cheaper option. It's still going to be over four thousand dollars per eye...my credit card will cover one eye. I think my wonderful Mother, who is so proud of me since I started on Dexamphetamine for my ADHD (which she didn't think I had prior to this) and started to take control of my drinking, might help me with the other eye...just hoping. It's marvellous how our relationship has gone from wobbly to wonderful in the past few months. She can see the difference in me since I found MWO and all of the dear friends I have made. :h:h
It's going to be a hot one here in Perth today...36 C, so I'll try to get as much done as I can before it gets too hot.

[NoraC]

On A Mishn

Hey Mish - You are doing wonderful!!! So happy for you. Don't think I could do the eye surgery thing though. :H

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Thanks, Nora...the frustration of blurry vision, lost glasses, sat on glasses, wrong glasses etc has driven me to this. They say it's no worse than a cateract operation, and I've only heard one scary story about that, so think it well worth it for 20/20 vision.

Day 11 Wow! Day 11 and all is well. This will be a short post for now, maybe I'll get back to it later in the day, but for now just a quick report on how I'm feeling. I'm actually feeling really great. I accomplished so much yesterday and although I was tired, I wasn't unable to keep going until I finished everything I set out to do. I slept incredibly well, and I always think that if you have a good night's sleep you can cope with just about anything...at least that has been my experience.
I've had some cravings, but when I thought about how I can better spend the money seeing as how al wasn't going to give me a buzz anymore, I walked right past that bottle shop and kept going. It's an empowering feeling. I was hoping there wouldn't be any cravings at all, but I guess that's something we all would like but the reality is, it just isn't going to happen that way.
I had a testing sort of day yesterday...I had just finished my post here when the phone rang and my friend Val said that there was an ambulance on the way to her house for her husband Ken, and could I take her to the hospital. Not a problem. They're in their eighties and I'm always happy to help if I can. They live just around the corner, so it's no trouble at all. Well, we spent a good part of the day sitting in the ER, which is always tiring in itself, and trying to give information and get answers can be frustrating. Finally it was decided he will see his GP today and get a heart monitor. After dropping them home I shot off to the bank and shops and and did the things I had planned to do earlier in the day. When I arrived home I had a number of messages on my phone, each of which needed a response or action. It was now about 6pm, so I had a quick shower and dropped in on other friends with some information they needed. At 7pm I went and sat with another friend in her nineties until she went to bed.
A month ago that would have been impossible for me. I would have been shattered by 3pm and maybe ended up drinking. It's good to be able to look back and see that I am actually coping better with events and not ending up in a state.
I have plans for today...with dear friend Lina. I think it's going to be pretty hot again today, which is good, but we're going to be out of the car a lot...reminder, put on sunscreen.
Keeping busy, but not too busy, is going to play an important role in my sobriety. I have to be careful not to exhaust myself, but I certainly need to make sure I don't have too much time up my sleeve to get into Mishchef...

[sapphire1]

On A Mishn

Way to go Mish. You sure have had a lot on your plate, and it seems that you are being a great support to your friends in need. And it is wonderful to know that you have accomplished everything that you set out to do clear eyed and clear headed. Go MIshy....GOtta go, dragons to slay, have a magical day, LOve and grace Saffxx

[Mish]

On A Mishn

:thanks: Saff, love and grace to you also.

Day 12 and firing on all cylinders. I see my Neurologist today. I'm excited about this as when I rang and made the appointment earlier in the week, I told him I knew what was causing the leg pain I've suffered from for 8 years now...so bad in 2001 and 2002 that I crawled into a cask of wine every night to (unsuccessfully) sleep, seriously considered suicide as the only option remaining, and finally had a complete nervous breakdown. This is probably in the wrong thread, should be in Mish's Mash somewhere down the track, but it's the right time to write it down now, so wrong thread or not, this is it...
1999 and my family starts falling apart...husband returns to 17 year old behaviour and leaves me to shoulder all financial and parenting responsibilities. I take on a 60 hour a week job driving Security Patrols straight out of doing my course. Am 5'1/2" woman, new to company and job and immediately in "prestigious" sought after position where brains and not brawn are required. I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday days, Tuesday and Wednesday nights for 5 months. Meanwhile, husband lies on lounge feeling sorry for himself. Garden dies, house in constant mess, animals starve, kids almost starve, I start drinking...
New Company takes over the tender...I am hired and promoted to Senior Officer...former SO threw one of my reports across the floor and said I'm not reading all this (bad words, bad words), but is now told if he wants to retain his position in Patrols he must work under me. Former SO goes and stands outside a bank as a Static Guard in preference. I now have 4 officers under me...and lots of back stabbing as I'm brand new in the company, in the job...some of them had been in the company for years...professional jealousy etc etc etc...Now working 84 hour week, (week of days, week off, week of nights, week off). I continue drinking...
Lots of fights at home start...husband jealous of other guards, assumes affair...keep drinking...
Leave husband and kids and move to estate where I work...know kids will be with me soon as he won't cope...he lasted about three weeks then kids with me...
Tender comes up for the job again, I have new huge responsibility to get the contract...one guard starts bullying and harrassment big time...get shot at, threatened...husband hammering at door all hours of day and night...bullying guard starts trashing vehicles, shagging half the women in the estate etc...drink more, more and more
Pain starts in right calf...soon heads up my leg, then other leg...stabbing pains like serrated edged knife being twisted in cervix...scared, in pain, not sleeping...drink more to help with pain and exhaustion...pain gets worse...everything gets worse...
2001 by now, and on week off start the rounds of the doctors...have hysterectomy, colonoscopy, endoscopy, heart monitors...dismissed as being a bit nutty..."Are you sure it isn't Restless Legs, dear?"
2002...crying self to whatever sleep I can get now, on top of about one and a half litres of wine thrown down in the hope it will kill the pain enough to sleep so I can get up, shower, dress and do a 12 hour shift sitting in the car while my thoughts race around like mice on a wheel, I long for the release of death (have the keys and code to the Vet...maybe I could break in and administer "the green dream")...
May 2002...8pm...bad pain in chest and doctor's light on as I cruise down the main strip...suddenly pick up radio and call into base that I'll be out of the car for a while and refer all jobs to the other car please...voice shaking, hands shaking, legs shaking...
stumble into doctor's office, collapse...other Patrol Officer arrives having realised by my voice I was in trouble...thought I had been bashed by voice...replacement officer called in, I get taken home...
And that was the last time I worked...it was a bad breakdown...frightened elder daughter half to death because she knew her "nastiness" (partly justified) about my drinking was adding to the pressure...

Lots of other stuff was going on at the same time, but it's my leg pain I'm discussing here. I've tried a thousand times to describe it...but no-one gets it. Finally it was attributed to Psychsomatic pain, which made sense and that's how I've thought of it for the last 8 years.
And then... I read a thread over the weekend. A thread that answered my questions once and for all and for which I am SO grateful. I cried and cried and cried with joy because I know what caused the pain at last.
THANK YOU SHERI
Sheri was answering a post about numb fingers and something inside my head switched on like a light...Ethanol (Alcohol) Neuropathy.
The Magic Words. I almost flew to the site and read while tears coursed down my face. At last, at last....at last.
It's not curable, but now it's not so severe as it was, because after the breakdown I surrendered to the universe and stopped boozing, finally ending up only bingeing once in a while...and I've kind of learned to live with it a bit...until I found MWO and all of you beautiful people a few months ago, and now I'm on the right road to total abstinance.
So...when I made my appointment with my Neurologist, who has held all the facts, and I told him I knew what was wrong with my legs, he of course asked the inevitable question..."What?"
When I told him there was a long silence, then...
"My God."
I see him at 12:45 this afternoon. Sorry if this seems like a bit of a waffle, but this is the most exciting thing that has happened to me for years...finally knowing what is the cause of so much pain, and once more it was the old enemy, AL. Wouldn't ya know it?
Oh, and guess what one of the things they use in the treatment is...?
Baclofen...hahahahahahaha

[techie]

On A Mishn

Mish I am so fricking happy for you. You made this big brute tear up and I can barely see the keyboard. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! John xoxoxo

[sapphire1]

On A Mishn

Mish, bloody hell girl....what a ride eh? I've gotta scram in a mini, but I thought I might just add my two cents worth here regarding the neuropathy. I have peripheral neuropathy due to ethanol intoxication. My symptoms are a bit different but anyhoo. I get pain in my feet...burning, tingling, loss of sensation, aching that at times extends to mid calf. Since giving up the grog 3.5 months, my symptoms have improved by about 95%. I also take vitamin B12 specifically for the repair of the myelin sheath which gets gradually eroded. I expect to recover 100% from this!!!!!!! Good news that you are getting treatment. I'm off into the magical world that is my life. MUch love Saffy xxxxx

[NoraC]

On A Mishn

Mish - I am so happy that you read Sher's post!! (Yeah Sheri!!)
My Mother-in-law had neuropathy. I know how painful it is! How great that you've already started something that is going to make you feel better. :goodjob:

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Thanks John, Saph and Nora...not on the Bac yet, but here's hoping...
John, your post particularly touched me. Thanks.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Days 13 and 14 and I have to admit to feelings of disappointment over not being prescribed Baclofen for the Peripheral Neuopathy pain, as I'd hoped. My Neurologist is fantastic but wants to tackle the problem using diet, exercise and chiro (he's a Chiropractic Neurologist), but if I can't get Baclofen through my doctors I'll have to get it online. Feel a bit flat today, but Trapped Dad's thread has given me a good boot in the backside. What an inspiring thread that is, and a real example of the wonderful support here when it's needed. I have so much for which to be grateful.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Okay,
Day 16. I'm still feeling a bit down. I had a very quiet weekend in which I saw no-one and no-one saw me. I watched my all time favourite DVD of "Pride and Prejudice" with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle, with Susannah Harker as Jane. I love that series and swear it got me through some very bad times. While it was on I read a lot of posts, did a lot of research and emailed a great deal of information on Baclofen to my Neurologist, Daniel. I'm seeing him again on Friday, by which time he might have ploughed through it all. He's a really top bloke, 'terribly British,' and says things like 'Sooper,' and 'Jolly good." He's a man who thoroughly loves his job and helping people. A real gem. He spent a 'goodly portion' of last year trying to find a doctor who would prescribe me Dexamphetamine for my ADHD, without success, until I finally made an appointment with a very good psychiatrist. It wasn't till February that I had the appointment and was prescribed the necessaries, which led me to be able to tackle the alcohol issue.
While I was doing the research I came across an article on using Naltrexone and Campral together and thought I might give it a try as I have both in my cabinet and scripts for more. Meanwhile, I'll continue finding out more on baclofen. I don't much like the idea of alopecia, but I've only found one reference to it in the threads so I guess it's not terribly common. However, whatever it takes. There is an excellent wig maker in Adelaide if it comes to that! I have a fine head of thick hair but out the window with vanity if it means sobriety. There's nothing attractive about a drunk woman, after all, even if she does have a luxuriant head of hair.
I see my hepatologist tomorrow. Just the usual check on my poor old liver.
Ok, well, on with it I guess...

[techie]

On A Mishn

Oh Mish I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. While I do not take bac, I have read most of the information. I think the literature makes a pretty compelling case for bacs efficacy in treating alcoholism. I pray your Doctor sees it that way and decides to support you. John xx

[NoraC]

On A Mishn

Mish - thinking of you. I hope that you can talk to your Doctor and get the Bac. Since you have sent him so much research, maybe he will change his mind. :l

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Thanks Techie, Nora. I'm hoping, too.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Days 17 and 18. A very good day yesterday. The annual visit to the Hepatologist went well. Liver is still chugging along well with no sign of 'disease.' :goodjob: and :thanks: Liver, and keep up the good work.
Of course, I know the continuing health of my liver depends on me to a very large extent. Thank goodness for the Naltrexone and Campral which is certainly helping. Yesterday I went to the Health Shop and bought Organic Whey Protein, L-Glutimine and Valarian (in liquid form) from the Naturopath who advised me. It seems Australia has restrictions on importing GABA so I'll have to buy that online if I choose to add that to the mix, unless I can find some elsewhere. I've really got to pull my head in with the spending though...I've put all of this (and a blower/vac) on my Credit Card.
My Mother gave me a cheque to have the lens implants done yesterday also. I've made an appointment on 16th December to have the first eye done and on 31st January for the second one. I am really excited about it. I remembered earlier this morning that I was just starting to learn cross stitch when I hit 45 and my eyes got worse. Something I will consider taking up again in the evenings instead of being bored or drinking. More money...
Brooke took Mother and me to lunch yesterday at the Captain Stirling, a nice little local pub that does great chilli mussels. I haven't been inside a pub for years to drink, although I've had meals in Adelaide pubs. I had no urge to drink even though it wasn't an option with Brooke there. However, I think I might have had a bad mussell. I feel a wee bit unwell today and think I'll take it quietly and see how it pans out. I'm still feeling a bit down in myself, but I know it will pass. Just chemical imbalance fluctuating. I wonder if I can de-al my brain and block all the transmittors and feed all the myalin etc etc if the depression will go away on its own, or whether it's just something that will be in and out of my life forever. Ah well, it's just speculation at this point. At least there are good days now, not like when I was still working and the only light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be another speeding express train...another story, which will remain untold for now.
Okay, and now to rest and let that mussell do its worst...