On A Mishn

[techie]

On A Mishn

Hi Mish,

Aside from the suspect mussel you sound well. Your liver is ok and you are working on improving your life. Once you find a rhythm with that your outlook will improve as well. I hope you feel better soon. I LOVE following your story John xx

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Days 19 and 20 A very interesting day yesterday. Took an old (male) friend to lunch yesterday at the Capri in Freo. I haven't seen him for over 5 years when I left my ex in Adelaide after 5 horrifically stupid, miserable and disfunctional years.
2002 I had my breakdown. I alluded in my last post that there was a speeding express heading my way in the tunnel as well. The express was the ex.
One morning at about 5:00 am, just before I was about to refuel and wash the patrol car at the end of shift, the work phone rang. I was out of the car having a ciggy before heading out to the servo. (Yes, Mish smoked)
:durn: I thought as I leaned into the car and picked up the phone. "Good Morning, *********** Security, Mish Speaking," in the brightest tone I could muster. And then...
Oh...My...God...You sound as good over the phone as you do over the radio."
Curiously, "Okay...who is this?"
"This is your secret admirer." Yes folks, that line should have been the first red flag. However, I was unhappy and lonely and intrigued. My caller turned out to be one of the other patrolies...a real patrolie, not a residential one. We chatted a while and agreed to meet on our next week off.
He came to my house with wine and an agenda. He was presentable and amusing...I had enjoyed his humour over the radio for a long time and yes, I was sucked into the vortex. Every fortnight for two years we would go out to dinner and then go back to his (manky little) flat once during our week off. It was the most compelling, intense relationship. From the start there were 'no strings attached.' This really didn't fit into my values system at all, I must add. But I was a very sick person at the time and he was the only life I had outside work and the despair. One night he announced he was going back to Adelaide in a few weeks to live. The bottom dropped out of my world and it was seven nights after that, to the day, that I had my breakdown. I realised just how much I had come to love him and the prospect of going back to the life I had before him was unimagineable.
Strangely enough, after I broke down, I didn't drink so much at first. Mainly this was because of the feelings of panic that took over my body and mind, causing me to be confined to the futon in the lounge with a blanket over me. For three weeks I lay stiff as a board, telling Brooke "Darling, I'm hot, can you pull the blanket down," or "Darling, I'm too cold, can you pull the blanket up." The 'good' guards would stop by two or three times on a shift and make me a cup of tea, pull me into a sitting position and hold the cup while I sipped it...I was shaking too much to hold the cup. They were so kind. When I had to use the bathroom I had to muster the strength to roll off the futon and crawl like a slow loris to go to the loo. Showering was only performed when I couldn't stand myself anymore and it was agonising...(having a bit of an anxiety attack as I write this remembering it all). I weighed 36 kilograms and was still losing weight.
Brooke got me moving slowly and I was actually eating and taking care of myself again when my phone rang one Saturday morning. "I've been a heel," he said. "I miss you. Will you come to Adelaide and look after me?"
I was on a 'plane within the week. Yes, I know. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It was on again, off again abusive, cruel and financially crippling. Disfunctional in the extreme and I finally broke free and returned to Perth a few weeks before my grandaughter was born in 2005. However, I still was caught in the vortex. For the next few years I grieved. Lots of other stuff happening also to do with the relationship and my worldly possessions which I tried to retrieve (unsuccessfully).
Three years ago he rang me and told me he was back in Perth with his new woman but was going to get rid of her (nice) and wanted to be with me again. I agreed to a dinner to discuss things, hoping to get my stuff back, but a part of me still hoped he had made the changes I'd asked him to make. And so we went to dinner one balmy February night, to "Jetty's" a great seafood place at a Marina. After dinner we were going to drive to King's Park and talk more, but he took a different route. I asked him where he was taking me and he told me back to his place.
I had made incredible changes to my life since leaving him, returned to living a life in harmony with my value system and faith, and was now up the proverbial creek without a paddle. When he pulled up at (another) block of (manky) flats I got out of the car and ran like hell. I lost my new $120 sandals in the sprint but he eventually ran me down and dragged me back by the arm. Once inside he grabbed me by my hair and forced me to the floor. I don't need to elaborate here. He drove me home at 3am.
The next days I approached mature ones in authority in my church and showed them my bruises, black eye (unmissable, really) and the teeth marks on my body. They asked if I wanted to report him and I said no...and, wait for it, because I still loved him.
Since then I've been pretty good with alcohol in that I don't drink daily, but when I do...it's not pretty. It turns out he gave my stuff to the Salvos, family heirlooms, photos of my children and parents all gone...or so he says. My guess is he sold what he could or kept what he wanted and got rid of the rest. Either way, I am free of him now and now realise what a fool I was...as I have said on other threads, "A jerk is someone who teaches you something you wouldn't have known otherwise."
Lunch yesterday was with his friend Laurent. He told me some of the things this waste of space had told him. His friend has no respect for him and told me things that made me realise just how much I had been used and abused. He is doing it to the 'other woman' now...I pity her. He had bragged to his friend about the night at Jetty's. I am so joyful that I am finally rid of any feelings for him now.
At lunch, a woman at the next table had a bottle of red and asked us if we would like a glass each so she wouldn't be 'tempted.' She had the colouring of "a woman who drinks," and I almost felt guilty when I told her thank you but no thank you...she took the bottle with her when she left, tucked in her bag. My heart went out to her.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Reggie, thank you. I feel the hugs.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Day 22 and I'm feeling unhappy with myself because I let the emotion of reliving that experience push me over the edge. I didn't drink enough to get plastered but it was the way in which I drank that bothered me. It was deliberate drinking to make the bad feelings go away, which of course, they didn't and now I have to contend with being disappointed in myself. I let that horror of a man get to me. I swear, it's the last time he will ever do that again.
I know that if I hadn't found MWO and all the beautiful supportive people here I would have been lying here with a glass and a 4 litre cask of wine, on a bender. Pretty sure the Nal must be having some effect also.
Thanks especially to Nora and Beagle for the support also.

[mama bear]

On A Mishn

Oh Mish...I am so sorry. Did you ever press charges against that dirtbag??
You are safe now honey

[spuddleduck]

On A Mishn

mish, sorry youre feeling bad. i know what you mean about the way you drank. drinking to make the bad feelings go away. and we know it works..... for a short time .... but the feelings will still be there when we sober up.. and so begins the cycle.hope you can put this behind you and keep fighting the fight

[techie]

On A Mishn

Thinking of you Mish. We all deserve love and respect. We'll find it!

[Mish]

On A Mishn

18th November 2010
YES
I can't believe it. I really can't. I barely have the energy to write this after a truly full-on day (Boot Camp keeping me busy). This afternoon I attended the "Fresh Start Recovery Programme" Clinic of Dr George O'Neil. People might knock Perth as a sleepy backwater city, but it hosts a world leader in the treatment of addictions. Doctor O'Neil treats addicts with a once a year Naltrexone Implant (see earlier posts) and I've found a measure of success on this drug but still believe Baclofen is the drug for me personally.
My appointment was for 14:00 hours (Sarge will appreciate my military precision) but I wasn't seen for two and a half hours. Worth every second.
I came away with acceptance into the programme and a prescription for...
BACLOFEN
I began this thread because I wanted Baclofen and now I have it, on Pension rates. All Underoos on Centrelink who are paying megabucks for online Bac, make an appointment with the Clinic, hop a jet, stay with Mish and get your Bac on script. Not only was I offered Bac, but the whole kit and kaboodle (Topa, Nal, Campral...even one I haven't heard of before), plus dental and 5 counselling, chiro, physio, free per annum...hurry and get 5 in before January this year. Then 5 more next year...
I have strapped on my dancing shoes and am doing the "Dance of Joy." :bananacomputer::alf::banana::disco::dancin:

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Day 26 on Nal and
Day One of Baclofen
I'm going to start from Day one again as this is the drug I believe will be most helpful to me at this point in time. I have a script for Antabuse for those special occasions where I know I might be tempted to drink and for 'emergencies' when I hit a bad trigger. If I don't make it on Baclofen then I will take Antabuse, but come hell or high water I am going to give this my best shot.
Well, the "Dance of Joy" has been a sort of listless shuffle today. Doctor 'Fern' has started me on 100mg of Baclofen a day, which I thought a bit excessive, but hey, she's the Specialist and I figure she knows what she's doing. I'm also taking 1 Nal and 6 Campral. I can add Topa into the mix if I want. Now if that doesn't knock the beast on the head...
Well, my reaction has been to sleep a lot. I've been a bit spacey, doing things like forgetting which button on the television control to use for volume, which for channel changing as one example. I am so grateful for the nervous breakdown 8 years ago (behind every cloud, eh?), which means I am on a Disability Pension and don't have to try this while working. For those of you reading this who have jobs and families and responsibilities, I take off my hat. I am, if I wish, able to do this journey flat on my back on the lounge (except for the rigorous exercise prescribed by Techie on the Boot Camp thread :H:H:H:H:H). (I laugh because I'm not quite in that space yet).
Anyway, this site has given me so much. I read an amazing thread by Choochie tonight that practically rocked me to my core. I wish I knew how to post it...if anyone knows how, could you please post it for other readers of On A Mishn? It gave me the answer as to why I have repeatedly gone long periods AF in the past, only to relapse every time. I had never heard of PAWS before and there it was, in black and white...all the hideous symptoms I suffered that allowed me to cave. I almost said that "made" me cave, but I and I alone am responsible for that decision.
It was what Oprah would call "an Aha Moment." It was the light being turned on so the monster under the bed was illuminated.
And it scared me half to death. I know why Al is called the "demon."
But knowing what it looks like, how it contols and destroys our body, mind, emotional, mental and all-important for me, spiritual growth and development, how it crushes hope and joy and peace in our lives...well knowing this gives me the emotional armour and weaponry to fight back. With a real chance to win. Oh, I'm under no illusions. It's going to be the fight of my life...the fight for my life, but knowledge is power, and wisdom is the ability to apply that knowledge in my life...and here I am, at day one, armed to the teeth with enough knowledge and medication and support to tackle this monster from a new position, with new insight into why I have faltered and failed and lost hope and heart in my previous attempts.
Yeah, it's scary all right. Thanks for reading. :h

[Choochie]

On A Mishn

Mish,

Here is the article: Hope you can get the monster under control! So glad you're doing these meds under the supervision of a doc!!

Excellent Article:

Many of the problems associated with early sobriety do not stem directly from drugs and alcohol. Instead, they are associated with physical and psychological changes that occur after the chemicals have left our bodies. When we use, our brains actually undergo physical change to cope with the presence of the drug in our body. When we remove the drugs, our brains then demand more to satisfy the desire caused by the changes. The extreme symptoms that we experience immediately after we stop using are called “acute withdrawal.”
Acute withdrawal, unfortunately, is not the whole story. Our bodies make initial adjustments to the absence of the drug, and the major symptoms ease up. However, the changes that have occurred in our brains need time to revert back to their original state (to the extent that they ever do). During the period of time while this is occurring, they can cause a variety of problems known as Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome

Rest of Articlewell worth reading)

Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) ? Digital Dharma

[Mish]

On A Mishn

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[Mish]

On A Mishn

Ugh! Day two and it's 20th November 2010. Ugh again. I feel most unwell, a bit like drinking as a young'un and feeling the room spinning and general nausea. Despite all this, I feel really great in myself.
I read the entire thread "You know you're an alcoholic when..."
I alternated between gasps of recognition, shudders of remembering hideous drunken episodes, shrieks of hysterical laughter and bouts of sobbing for the heartbreaking stories so courageously shared by these brave, funny, intelligent, creative and beautiful people, many of whom it is my honour to now call 'friends.'
Interestingly, Mother called this afternoon and I told her I wasn't feeling well because I'm on a new medication. I hadn't meant to, but I found myself blurting everything out. About the Baclofen and why I'm taking it, about My Way Out and my beautiful friends here, about Meet Me At Dos Gatos and the love and acceptance I've found, about how determined I am to succed at all costs and (the child within) told her how much I want to make her proud of me. She said she is proud of me, especially recently. Maybe I was so ashamed and disappointed in myself that I projected my own feelings onto her and assumed she felt the same, but between the ADHD and not reaching my academic 'potential,' and the drinking, I always felt like a disappointment and a failure where she was concerned.
I am so grateful to be on dexamphetamine so I can process what is real and what isn't. I am grateful that for the first time in over 30 years Mother and I are able to communicate on the same page. I am just so darned grateful that I lived long enough to reach this point in life where I can reflect on where I am and who I am with pride and confidence instead of shame and remorse.
It is a wonder that I'm here to fully appreciate that instead of being a failure and a loser I am a survivor...and that my friends and medical professionals have told me that I have an uncommon strength and life ethic (that have carried me through circumstances that have taken the lives of many) and I am an "example" and "inspiring" and "special."
I so want to prove them all right.

[Choochie]

On A Mishn

Mish I haven't read your whole story but just wanted to send you a hug.:l I hope you get used to these new meds. Do you have to be on them long? I'm not familiar. And, so happy that your mom was accepting of all you told her. That's wonderful (and how it should be). I'd say that was a real breakthrough to open up to your mom, wouldn't you?!

Also, I wanted to respond to what you posted on the "Alcoholics at Holiday Parties" thread in case you don't go back there...... I'm so glad to hear that the articles I posted last week have been helpful to you. They really hit home for me too, especially regarding why we don't get well immediately after quitting alcohol. I just try to keep in mind that I literally spent a lifetime (since age 14) drinking, so it will take time to create my "new normal."

Also, Mish - I wanted to respond here to your story on "You Know You're an Alcoholic" -

I didn't have any kids so I escaped situations like you're describing about your daughters. Maybe you could think in your mind that you have helped them escape AL seeing what it did to you??? They must be proud now that you're sober. I know you can mend these fences and maybe you'll end up with a more profound relationship with them in the long run. Sometimes we can't see it, but down the road something could actually be better because of this suffering.

Sending you peace and strength,

Choochie

[rubywillow]

On A Mishn

Mish, you are a true warrior princess! You hit everything head on, and report it warts and all. Thanks for being here, sharing with us, and brightening our days with your Mish Mash Madness. :H

[mama bear]

On A Mishn

sending you love and strength Mish. I admire you for tackling this head on and I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. As a working wife and mommy, I just had to quit taking everything but antabuse.