On A Mishn

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Day Fourteen and, sadly, I have to report a big oopsie. I drank enough to become intoxicated last night. I have a friend staying over and, although not much of a drinker, he had a couple of beers and I had a few wines. He didn't realised I was drunk, but this morning I feel the worse for wear. I wonder if my tolerance is decreasing as I didn't think I drank a lot, but my brain tells me differently. Anyway, thank goodness he is a friend I trust and care about and he wouldn't take advantage of me. I've known a few of those types along the way...believe me. Happily I also have good friends who would never think of compromising me and hurting me.
Things are not looking good for James. Not sure what level it is, but the cutoff is 50 and James' level is 1002. That's very bad. Doctor Fern said he is not far off liver failure. I am devestated and very angry. If he had help a year ago things wouldn't be so bad. His blood tests also revealed a carcinoma level of 19. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good. His pancreas was fine when the blood test was done, so it would appear that it's his liver that's giving him gyp. I'm really frustrated that I didn't know about Fresh Start sooner as if I had I could have helped him sooner. So annoying. He is so addicted to Oxycontin and has to get off it before they can give him Naltrexone. He won't have the implant (initially) and I'm just feeling so darned useless.
I'm personally temporarily not happy with myself, but I know I will be back on track now that I have it out of my system. I think worrying about James has been eating at me and I really need to develop better coping skills when confronted with frustrating circumstances.
Upping the dose of Baclofen today.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Well, it's Day Eighteen and I ended up in a 3 day binge. I just kept topping up around the clock between sleeping as the booze and the Baclofen were giving me horrible SEs. I've cut back to my original dose of 100 mg a day. I was just too dizzy and nauseous to keep it up any longer. Today I'm feeling much better, despite a bad night with wispy, smoky visuals and heightened senses, particularly sounds that weren't there. The clock ticking was unusually loudly. With smell, a bowl of rose potpourri was quite delightful, but apart from the roses the other SEs weren't comfortable. Oh, apart from the vertigo and nausea. That's disgusting.
However, I'm experiencing something new. It's very interesting and fills me with real hope that I'm getting close to the switch. For the first time I'm looking at giving up Al without the fear of living without it. I am so exhausted with this merry-go-round of giving up and then failing. Then the inevitable self-reproach and all the voices in my head telling me that I'm useless, lower than pond scum, not worth it ad nauseum. Then the slow, painful climb out of the negative world back into the positive one, followed by the work it takes to get on top of it all...and then out of the blue, Al starts whispering in my ear...I resist...but not for long...anything to shut the Beast up and make it leave me alone...and the sinking feeling as I walked out of the bottle shop knowing I was back on the merry-go-round again.
Just writing that and letting myself live all the emotions that it evoked raised my anxiety levels through the roof. And now, it's actually sinking in to my Al brain that I don't ever have to get back on the merry-go-round ever again because The Voice is getting fainter and fainter every day.
I feel like I have driven a sword through the heart of the dragon and it's lying at my feet and bleeding out all over the ground. I look at it without compassion, wanting to laugh at this evil beast losing it's power over me.
And suddenly I realise that all that anxiety I was feeling a minute ago has melted away and what I am feeling is ...struggling for a word to describe this...like me. A me I have been clinging to, not wanting to let her give up and die drunk. I now can die with dignity, not for a long time I hope, but if it came anytime now I would have an inner peace I'd long forgotten, that "still, calm voice," drowned out by the urgings and roarings of the dragon for decades. But the fight was so hard...and I lost so much to Al. However, I am watching the dragon dying in front of me. It isn't yet dead yet, but the light is fading in its evil, demonic eyes.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Reggie;1017222 wrote: Ahh Mish as a baclofen taker its not gonna do it for UNLESS you decide you REALLY WANT to give up drinking..Also I am of the view my own.... that you have to stop drinking completely for the baclofen to work...you just cant take a pill and expect to drink ya way to sobriety. Aminesen was al free before he hit his indifference...and as Tipp the stripey one says ( I also think he is the bench mark here) do what ever it takes bac is one part of the overall addiction battle counseling meditation hypnotic therapy exercise 7 weeks to sobriety vitamin regime everything but most of all a deep down desire in your soul to stop this madness...hang in you are a beautiful soul don't let it be soaked in poison

I feel it working, Reggie. I really do. The indifference is different from anything I've ever felt before.

:blushing: Thanks for the beautiful compliment. :l

[one2many]

On A Mishn

Hey Mish,

I am glad you are feeling stronger and BELIEVE ME, you ARE strong enough to do this. You are a wise and lovely soul with so much to give and a lot to offer, I would urge you to come here before you drink, just come here and talk a while, it has stopped me many a time in the early days....

You may have slain the beast but he never really dies, he just sleeps...until the next time he rears his ugly head and his voice becomes ever powerful, dominant and so LOUD.

When that happens, just come here before the walk to the bottle shop (one I know so well), it really makes all the difference.

[Choochie]

On A Mishn

Mish, I think Reggie really had a fantastic explanation here. And, I just want to say that I have a sense of your beautiful soul as he described. I hope you can do this. You will never look back - being sober is the most amazing gift I've ever given myself. It almost makes me glad I had a problem so I can now appreciate this new life to its fullest!

Sending you big hugs, positive vibes. I know you can do this.:h:h

Choochie

[techie]

On A Mishn

Mish, Reggie, Oney, and Choochie what excellent posts. Mish all I can add is a few:l:l:l

[byebyebridgetjones]

On A Mishn

Mish, if you don't mind me saying, that is a very high dose to start on for a small woman.
I'm only just on 70mg per day now.
I'm just wondering if a slower titration schedule might be the shot to ease the side effects ?
In any case, I'm so glad you're seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Thank you all so much. I thought 100 mg was a pretty heavy dose but the addiction specialist seemed to think I could handle it. I'm fine on 100mg, but I tried to go up too quickly I think. Another week on that and I'll go up more slowly this time. I was trying to do another 50mg on top and it was just too much. maybe another 20mg, but I'll drop it back if it's too fast.
I have a friend who tells me I always try to run before I can walk. It's all too true, I'm afraid. Particularly since being medicated, I have a passion for everything in my line of focus. It's mainly been addressing my drinking since August, but I think I have to be more patient and realise sometimes it really is the tortoise that wins the race.
Today I have the lens implant in my eye. Everyone keeps asking if I'm anxious about it but I'm not in the slightest bit worried. My "inner" vision is clearer than it's been in a long time and that's more important, really. I am sure this surgeon will do his job well and my literal vision will be great. It has to be better than for the last thirty years. I just got tired of being 'blind' much of the time.

[Ringing Cedars]

On A Mishn

Sending healing energy your way Mish. Bless you.:h

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Day 19
Well, I'm off for surgery in a couple of hours, but before I go I want to share some good news with you all.
Last week when I was too 'sick' to drive James to Fresh Start, Frenchy, my house guest, took him to see George O'Neil. Basically, I thought, to see what could be done to reduce his pain level. When Frenchy returned he told me James had had the Naltrexone implant done while they were there. I'm sorry I wasn't there for that...just another moment Al has taken away from me. However, that's not what's important...James, who said he would never have the implant had agreed and had been implanted staight away.
I just got off the phone with him. He's been pretty bad with withdrawals but he thinks by Wednesday he will be over the worst. He's drinking heaps of water, hasn't been able to eat or sleep much, has had debilitating diarrohea (probably a good thing he can't sleep) and the usual sweats, bumps, shakes, shivers, disorientation etc, but yesterday he managed to do the washing and clean his kitchen.
I suggested he come over tomorrow and spend some time here with us so he is out of the house and has a bit of company. He sounded thrilled to bits and said he'd love to. He's going to hop on the bus (he has tablets to stop the diarrohea) and stay as long as he likes. His "too hard basket" doctor is prepared to get back on board now. Might be able to convince him to bring his dogs and stay for a few days until he's out of the woods. His dad visited on the weekend and was concerned about James' health because he could barely walk and was shivering etc but he's got to be really proud of his son. I know I am. I just don't understand that, with a facility like this in Perth, so readily available, why doctors and psychiatrists don't send their patients with addictions there instead of shoving them into a revolving door and watching them deteriorate. I have often been tempted to write a letter to the newspaper but never have. I think composing said letter in my head will be a very good way to fill my time this afternoon before the surgery. I have been trying to get James help for three years, on and off, and have spent many frustrated and anguished hours wondering how to help. I have to let people know this help is available. Heck, A Current Affair is always looking for interesting stories. I think James' Story would make a great little watcher.

[techie]

On A Mishn

Mish,

Wishing you the best of luck with your procedure. Let us know as soon as your able how you're doing. I think what you're doing for James is wonderful. You are a sweet selfless loving person and that radiates right through your words. I'll be thinking of you. Be well! Love John xx

[byebyebridgetjones]

On A Mishn

techie;1017810 wrote: Mish,

Wishing you the best of luck with your procedure. Let us know as soon as your able how you're doing. I think what you're doing for James is wonderful. You are a sweet selfless loving person and that radiates right through your words. I'll be thinking of you. Be well! Love John xx

My thoughts exactly.
Thank God James has a friend like you, rather than the standard issue friends who just laugh about your drunken antics behind your back, and don't even do so much as raise a concern.

The very best of everything to you both. And good luck with the eye surgery.

[Lillypond059]

On A Mishn

Mish, you are such a lovely person,
James is so lucky to have a lovely caring friend like you
I hope you have the baclofen dose sorted, I too am on them, I only take 50mg a day, I know its a very low dose, but its all I can handle at the moment.

Wishing you all the very best with your surgery,
sending you big:l:l Lilly x

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Quick post just to say the surgery was a piece of cake. In the room where we had our anaesthetic drops I was cracking up the old chap waiting to go in. It passed the time very pleasantly and we both went in relaxed and smiling. Have a follow up visit tomorrow so should have more to report then. No pain, but feels a bit gritty.

[Ringing Cedars]

On A Mishn

Good news Mish!! Good for you sharing laughter. It truly is good medicine. James is lucky to have such a good friend as we are to have you as a friend too. xox