On A Mishn

[sapphire1]

On A Mishn

Wonderful news Mish!!!!!!! So happy that your surgery in out of the way. Just reading back and want to concur with everyone else about what a wonderful, selfless friend you are. The world would be a much better place is more people had your compassion. YOU ROCK MISHY MOO...love Saffxxxxxx

[Ringing Cedars]

On A Mishn

Great picture Saph. Full of love and comfort and your sparkle shines through! xox

[mama bear]

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Mishy I have been gone so I am just now catching up.
Sounds like surgery was a snap and I hope your vision improves quickly and you are feeling well.
James is so blessed to have a friend like you.
I, too, have read Bac only really works if you dont drink. And that hangovers are HORRIBLE on bac,
Be strong my friend, and be well!!

[Ringing Cedars]

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Hey Mish ~~ missing you and looking forward to hearing from you.:l

[techie]

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Mishmash;1017949 wrote: Quick post just to say the surgery was a piece of cake. In the room where we had our anaesthetic drops I was cracking up the old chap waiting to go in. It passed the time very pleasantly and we both went in relaxed and smiling. Have a follow up visit tomorrow so should have more to report then. No pain, but feels a bit gritty.

Wonderful :l:l

[K9Lover]

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Glad you're doing well Mishy!!! :l

[Accountable for Me]

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:l Glad it went well for you! :l

[Choochie]

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:lMish - So glad the surgery went well and is now behind you!

[Mish]

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Day 21 and my eye is improving hourly...:H:H:H OHAT. I'm feeling very positive in myself and still have the feeling that there has been a shift in my brain.
James is looking terrific and is feeling proud of himself, as well he should. Pure guts and determination. I'm glad that along with the Nal implants he is having 100mg Baclofen daily. I will swear by this drug. Anyway, short post for today. All going well.

Thank you all for your lovely words. For me it has been an honour to be able to help James. He is so worth it and it is a joy to see the first excitement in his face and voice since...well, since never. He showed his Doctor the Fresh Start Recovery Programme brochure and he had never heard of it. Such a leading programme right here on our doorstep and it's virtually unknown. Shouldn't the Doctors keep up with these things?

[Mish]

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Day 25. I'm checking in just to report that all is well. Al continues to have little appeal. I've titrated back up to 150 mgs and the only SEs are a slight feeling of being drugged and sleepiness. The nausea and vertigo have disappeared. This is very bearable and I'll continue at this dose for a little longer. I'm very happy with this progress.

[Saving Grace]

On A Mishn

Mish,
Is that a picture of you at the bottom of your post? Wow.
I have read every word you have written. My goodness, I love the way you describe your journey through life! I would buy a book you wrote. Seriously, you need to do that.

[Mish]

On A Mishn

Thank you, Grace. It was my childhood dream to be an author. I love to express myself through the written word. And yes, that is my picture at the bottom of my post. Thank you.

It's time to stop counting days on my journey, because I feel like the worst of the struggle is over. I feel as though I've had a breakthrough. What I have been feeling on the Baclofen is real. Al has lost its dominating influence over my life.
What feels strange is that I'm wondering why it ever did. It has just become so unimportant that I can't remember how or why it ever managed to take over my thinking, my relationships, my life.
I can't believe I gave up so much for this poison.
Memories of watching helplessly as dreams shattered into fragments around me are flooding over me. I can pinpoint moments when I could have turned things around but Al held me in its grip too tightly. I have a lot of grieving to do. My signature by T S Eliott says it all. I can only speculate what my life might have been without Al in control, but the fact remains that what might have been, and what has been point to one end, the present.
My present isn't so bad. I have good relationships with all those I love. I have a home I love, a weiro I love and I have sustenance and covering, enough to pay the bills, run and maintain my car and a little over. I have fought my way back from the brink of suicide and found my way home spiritually. Things could have been so much worse. I am aware that my emotions are going to be all over the place...one minute I am elated and empowered, the next gloating gleefully over the dying beast, and now I am feeling bereft. In place of those bad memories of my children watching me self-destruct there could have been memories of them watching me take control of the crises and reign triumphant over them. Instead of shame I could be feeling I had set them the best possible example. All these things I could have done. I have the intelligence, the capability, the creativity to have seen us through tough times. I am a lateral thinker who amazes friends with outside the square solutions to tricky problems.
I am also an alcoholic whose addiction rendered me impotent in the face of what seemed like unsurmountable odds. Maybe they were. Maybe things would have ended up much as they are anyway. I'll just never know. What might have been is an abstraction, remaining a perpetual possibility only in a world of speculation.
Whatever the result, I would have had my self-respect and the respect of my loved ones if I had done it without Al. I look back on some of my "episodes" and feel a sinking shame. I see myself from my loved ones' vantage point and I am mortified. How could I? How could I have let myself drop my bundle like that and surrender everything I held dear to my addiction? All my values disregarded, replaced by shameful events.
And yet, I have survived. I had a goal, to find myself and live my authentic life. I can do that now, unhindered by ugly and shaming binges. No more pretending to everyone that I have it all together while inside I'm dying, feeling like a fraud. I can be true to my own heart now. I can build on this feeling and I know a brighter future lies ahead of me. I know this present feeling will pass, but I truly think it's a part of my growth to allow myself to experience all of the emotions that are going to come with sobriety. And that includes the grief over "what might have been."

[NoraC]

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((((((((((((((((Mish))))))))))))))))) I am so glad that I 'met' you. You are a wonderful person and it is a joy to know you.:h

[techie]

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Beautiful Mish, absolutely beautiful!

[beagle]

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you're doing so well mish that's great!
good work lovey!