AAARRGGHHHH!

[Kimberley]

Hi all,
I need to rant and/or seek some advice.

Last night my OH got wasted. Tonight my OH was supposed to be home at midnight (late shift) but I just spoke to him and he's out, wasted.

He drinks every day - not usually to excess. It does bother me that he drinks every day. He gave it up for a while but went back to it afterwards. But at times of greater stress, he does drink to excess as a way of coping. NB - his excess is in no way as big as my excesses were, it's mostly beer and mixers and he doesn't go on long binges where he CAN'T stop. I don't believe he is an alcoholic, but that he does have issues around drinking, which could lead him down that route if he doesn't nip this drinking pattern in the bud.

At the moment his sister is going through some problems (split from husband, left with 2 young kids and all his horrendous gambling debts) and he 'reckons' this is why he has been getting drunk the last two nights. He is worried about her and the kids.

I have tried to be nice, I have tried to reassure him and I have tried to be patient. But I'm getting f*cking sick of it. I am 29 days sober - mainly made it this far due to antabuse. this is not easy for me and many a time I have wanted a drink but not had one, felt down but did something else like my infamously long walks. I am a raging, full-blown alcoholiuc and yet through all my trials and tribulations and depression and pain I have done nearly a month. He is not a raging, full-blown alcoholic and it seems to me that he's not EVEN TRYING to cope in a way other than by drinking. It makes me so angry, when I know how hard I AM trying.

It's really selfish as well. He is putting even more strain on me because now I am worried about him! And I don't have the same 'out' that he does. If I ever caused him to worry about me and my drinking, well he doesn't have to anymore as I asked for pills to put an end to all that. Now he is putting me through this and he knows I have no out. I feel so angry and frustrated and I try to talk to him about it nicely (without lecturing) and he admits to some extent that he doesn't cope well - but it seems to me he is not willing to take any steps to deal with that!

God help me, what am I going to do with him? He's a really decent lovely guy but this is becoming awful now. I am sick of it and worried about the future and whether he will make any attempts to sort himself out or whether this bullshit will happen every time something goes wrong or he's not happy.

[aspman]

AAARRGGHHHH!

hi, i have no advice. I do feel for you and i think you are way strong, i would of joined in by now. It shows how commited you are.
makes me think, is there a point where we went from drinker to alkie?
i know its progressive, but i do wonder if i had caught it in the bud...anyway best of luck, i hope some more enlightend peep comes along with some help for you.
:l:l:l

[NoraC]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Kim - I wish I knew what to tell you. I hope that you can get thru to him.
But, I just wanted to give you a great big hug and tell you that I think you are doing great! :l

[rubywillow]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Kim, first, I care for you, and am SO proud of your achievement.
Second, quit making excuses for what HE is doing. I know you care, but he has to take care of his own situation.
I'm sure you have a lot of terrible things in your life you can blame things on. But you are here, working through them. He has to find the way to work through his. Take a few steps back, look at this objectively a moment. Then ask him to handle his business. You are always there for support.

[Sunnyvalenting]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Please don't fall into the trap of allowing another's action to justify you not meeting your own commitment to yourself. I am sure the tables have been turned many a time. Please trust that if he COULD handle all this without al he would likely be doing so. We all have a tendency to regress when stressed.
It is a very good sign that you are posting on this board rather than planning to drink. He may not have the emotional reserve right now to be of the most assistance to you but there are people here who have your back. Remember that no one person can be everything to us all the time. The most important thing right now is to focus on your own issues and mental health. I am so impressed by your commitment to abstinence. It is a tough road at times but well worth every (sometimes frustrating and angry) step.
Best of luck and peace to you.
Sunny

[greeneyes]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Kimberly, that is a really valid worry you have there. So what ARE you going to do with him? You know you can't fix him. I guess this is when you draw your line in the sand and uphold your boundaries of what behavior (regardless of the reason) you will and will not tolerate. You hang in there (I mean in terms of being sober, not the relationship) and do whatever you need to do to protect your sobriety. That is of ultimate importance here. Be strong and true to yourself!

[Kimberley]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Thanks guys for your kind words and advice. I'm glad I have all of you here. I used to not post with my moods nd various problems and stuff, but I think I feel comfortable to now, and it does help to hear that people are listening and caring and want things to go well for me.

I am not going to let this affect my own sobriety, but it is effecting my mood - I am so angry that I'm worried I won't sleep. I texted him and told him to stay out as I am sick of seeing him in this state. I said I want him to let me know when he decides to take responsibility for how he chooses to deal with things rather than making excuses.

I just hope he doesn't see this as me being petulant or nagging - it's not, I AM sick of it and I do think he is not taking responsibility. I have already done the patience and trying to help thing and now it's wearing thin. I hope he realises how he is making me feel and chooses to do something about it.

I will have to talk to him about how this is making me feel I guess (something I'm not great at) and let him know I can't handle this much longer. I just hope he stays sober for long enough this weekend to listen.

Thanks again guys - it's nice to have an understanding sounding board!
K x

[mama bear]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Kimberly
I completely understand your anger and frustration. I think it time for a serious heart to heart. Ruby is right, dont make excuses for him, but lovingly tell him how unhappy you are and see how he handles it

[Mish]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Hi Kimberley...wow. You're very strong to have held it together.
We all know we have no control over the choices others make, but it's really hard to let go and let them do things when they're having a negative impact on us at the time. Just so long as we remember we're the only ones we can control!
I try to focus on myself and "detatch" from the anger and frustration. I try to be objective about the problem and keep plugging away at the things I am trying to achieve.
Best wishes on this one...

[Kimberley]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Mama and Mish thanks for adding your words as well.

Well eventually I got a call at 4am - I wasn't asleep - he was outside our house and wanted me to let him in as he was so drunk he didn't know which door was ours. God he was a state - he kept asking me if I was alright and didn't seem to know why I was upset with him. ERMM?!!! I just said we had to have a talk when he was sober - I doubt he will remember much of our conversation today anyway.

Anyway I told him to go and sleep on the sofa, which he did after realising I was serious. I have only had 3 hours sleep so am having a ciggy and then trying to get some more kip. I hope to be able to talk to him today though I don't know how that will go. Whenever he does this sort of thing, I never really get an apology. He prefers to act like nothing has happened.

Will let you know how I get on....
K x

[Mish]

AAARRGGHHHH!

You are holding all the cards, Kimberley...he's the one in trouble. If it were my OH he would listen or leave until he's ready to have a calm, adult, real discussion about what's going on.

[Sunnyvalenting]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Is it possible that with your new found sobriety that you are more intolerant of his boozing? I would ask you to consider that you have likely been drunk and disorderly when he was worried about you and it was inconvenient for him. I am not saying that this can go on indefinitely. Nor am I saying that you owe him some slack. However sometimes we suddenly become fanatic about a situation when we think we have found THE answer. If you truly care for each other, which I suspect is the case, give yourself some room and time. Don't rush to judgment or make a rash decision. We are each on this path but are not always side by side.
All the best,
Sunny

[Choochie]

AAARRGGHHHH!

The Top 10 Excuses Addicts and Alcoholics Use to Justify Their Addiction

Kim, check out the link below. It gives you some tools to counter excuses for drinking. I think Sheri has posted it before, but just so you'l have it easily accessible.

The Top 10 Excuses that Addicts and Alcoholics Use to Justify Their Addiction ? and Why it is All BS

Good luck,
Choochie
p.s. IMHO no one is worth compromising your sobriety.

[rubywillow]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Kim, hope you've had some talk with him.But always remember, your sobriety, sanity, and safety come first. Take care of you, and ask him if he wants to stay with you and let you help him find the same way out you have. Take care of you, honey.

[Kimberley]

AAARRGGHHHH!

Well that went well, er....

So he came up in the morning after sleeping on the sofa and again acted like nothing had happened! I told him what I thought about it all - how I have been patient and reassuring so far but that I don't want this to be how things are in the future. His response - nothing. He wouldn't even answer me. He was jus silent even though I kept asking him if he thought drinking every day and his behaviour recently was normal and if he thought it was fair on me etc. NO RESPONSE AT ALL! All he said when I pushed him on it was that he was reflecting, and that he had done it and what else could he say. Frigging hell! My reply was that sorry and some reassurances would be a good start but he just went quiet again.

I was supposed to be going to a party with him but I was in such a bad mood I said I was not sure I could go. Although I wanted to have a night out, I didn't want to pretend everyhing was ok and I was happy when that wasn't the case. And his response was that he wanted me to go with him, but in the end it was my choice. Argh! So I said I would see how I felt a bit later and if I could cheer up. He was taking no responsibility for cheering me up and just resorted to 'yes I was in the wrong, but it's done now'.

So I ended up going to see a friend and cheered up a bit - I went to the party and he did get drunk but not much. Just 'normal drunk' for a 26-yr-old at a party, so that was fine. He did tell me at the party that he was really glad and I came and that he appreciated me making the effort and that he was sorry (finally got the word out, congrats!) for the night before.

So now we have just had a lazy day in bed and he's cooking Mexican for us. We will see how things progress over the coming weeks. I find it really hard to deal with his not talking about things and just going silent. He is very guarded sometimes as a person and admits it - but if I don't get a response from him when we talk it's impossible to sort things out - unless he is just taking it on board and makes silent changes. But I just don't know until I see what happens - how frustrating!

Sorry for another semi-rant!
K x