You?re weak and inferior. You?re a conniving, manipulating cheat. You?re worthless and not even worthy of anyone?s love. You?re lousy in bed and couldn?t satisfy a woman if you tried. You?re just a child?..Do I need to go on?
If I listened to my ego I would still be hiding behind all my insecurities and not living my life and taking risks in order to move forwards in my life. I?ve often wondered at times whether ?forwards? actually exists; or do I just keep moving sideways all the time, shuffling along the fence in a haphazard fashion, yet still ?playing it safe?
Well nearly 3 weeks ago I decided to stop listening to my ego and also to the ?voice of reason? within fellowship that seems to frown upon the idea of anybody getting into a relationship. Unless of course you?ve been sober at least 20 odd years and are now rid of your co-dependency issues!! I was tired of ?playing it safe? or waiting until I?m ?well enough? to have a relationship. What is ?well? anyway?
This recent situation reminded me of when I first attempted to get help many years ago when I was struggling with my drug of choice at the time, amphetamine. I?d just come out of hospital and was thinking that I need to recuperate first before I go and get help. Which of course, during that time I?d convince myself I didn?t need any help. It felt as though I was doing the same thing regards sharing myself intimately within a relationship. I kept telling myself I wasn?t ready because I hadn?t done enough work on myself. ?How can you love somebody else if you can?t even love yourself? kind of thinking. Well maybe I don?t completely love myself unconditionally right now. But I?m learning, I?m growing, I?m accepting, more and more of my imperfections and this has only come about through taking risks and allowing myself to feel vulnerable and to be honest about that. I've spent the last 21 months of sobriety concentrating on my own recovery and this new found 'zest for life' is one I want to share with someone intimately. That for me is where the real intimacy is, is in our vulnerability. I used to think being vulnerable meant being weak; and more so being a man. Yet allowing myself to be vulnerable within a new relationship has done more for me than sitting back and waiting to resolve my issues by ?talking them through?. We gain wisdom through experience, in my opinion, not through reading books. Reading books will give me knowledge but without the experience of life on life?s terms and to feel what it is I?m feeling I?ll never be able to move forward (or sideways!!). It?s almost like being a ?dry drunk? or ?powder-less junkie? where the thought of having a drink or a fix scares me so much that I have to shut myself away from the world and hang on for dear life. That is certainly not the way I intend to live my life and thankfully I haven?t since that obsession was lifted through God consciousness and the 12 step program of AA.
I posted a while ago about how I?d mixed feelings around a friend whom I?d started to see as more than a friend. This experience was very much a stepping stone for me to see how easy it is for me to get my feelings confused with developing friendships with women. I gained a lot from that experience and it was a hard one to bounce back from. Yet I learned much in the process. Being honest about my feelings is really important for this recovered alcoholic. Whether I like the outcome to situations or not, I need to continue being honest with those close to me otherwise I fall prey to being caught up in the illusions that my ego creates.
I?m happy to say things are going far better than I could of imagined with this new relationship and that has only come through my self honesty. To quote a line from one of my favourite movies ?Into The Wild? ? ?I?m going to paraphrase Thoreau here? rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness? give me truth. This line just about sums it up for me. Yet that truth today has no attachments of being manipulating in order to paint the picture I want to portray of myself. What you see is what you get today, warts and all. I am who I am, with all my little imperfections and insecurities and I?m learning to love those things about me today because after all I?m only human. It's okay to be me today and that's only come through some hard work and many tears in order to be more accepting of myself. I can share things honestly today without fear of judgement, without shying away from the the truth because somehow I may not be 'loved' by others. I can stand tall and be proud of my achievements because I know I'm a worthwhile person today. I know my past; and I'm not ashamed as I once was to admit my faults. When you want something in this life you have to reach out and grab it with both hands, no matter how scary the thought is of failing. It's no good trying to do sobriety by half measures because you'll always tell yourself you're not good enough to grab it with both hands. You have to give it 110% or life will be one of continuous swings and roundabouts. I'd rather choose the roller-coaster ride any day of the week!!
Many Blessings
xx
If I listened to my ego I would still be hiding behind all my insecurities and not living my life and taking risks in order to move forwards in my life. I?ve often wondered at times whether ?forwards? actually exists; or do I just keep moving sideways all the time, shuffling along the fence in a haphazard fashion, yet still ?playing it safe?
Well nearly 3 weeks ago I decided to stop listening to my ego and also to the ?voice of reason? within fellowship that seems to frown upon the idea of anybody getting into a relationship. Unless of course you?ve been sober at least 20 odd years and are now rid of your co-dependency issues!! I was tired of ?playing it safe? or waiting until I?m ?well enough? to have a relationship. What is ?well? anyway?
This recent situation reminded me of when I first attempted to get help many years ago when I was struggling with my drug of choice at the time, amphetamine. I?d just come out of hospital and was thinking that I need to recuperate first before I go and get help. Which of course, during that time I?d convince myself I didn?t need any help. It felt as though I was doing the same thing regards sharing myself intimately within a relationship. I kept telling myself I wasn?t ready because I hadn?t done enough work on myself. ?How can you love somebody else if you can?t even love yourself? kind of thinking. Well maybe I don?t completely love myself unconditionally right now. But I?m learning, I?m growing, I?m accepting, more and more of my imperfections and this has only come about through taking risks and allowing myself to feel vulnerable and to be honest about that. I've spent the last 21 months of sobriety concentrating on my own recovery and this new found 'zest for life' is one I want to share with someone intimately. That for me is where the real intimacy is, is in our vulnerability. I used to think being vulnerable meant being weak; and more so being a man. Yet allowing myself to be vulnerable within a new relationship has done more for me than sitting back and waiting to resolve my issues by ?talking them through?. We gain wisdom through experience, in my opinion, not through reading books. Reading books will give me knowledge but without the experience of life on life?s terms and to feel what it is I?m feeling I?ll never be able to move forward (or sideways!!). It?s almost like being a ?dry drunk? or ?powder-less junkie? where the thought of having a drink or a fix scares me so much that I have to shut myself away from the world and hang on for dear life. That is certainly not the way I intend to live my life and thankfully I haven?t since that obsession was lifted through God consciousness and the 12 step program of AA.
I posted a while ago about how I?d mixed feelings around a friend whom I?d started to see as more than a friend. This experience was very much a stepping stone for me to see how easy it is for me to get my feelings confused with developing friendships with women. I gained a lot from that experience and it was a hard one to bounce back from. Yet I learned much in the process. Being honest about my feelings is really important for this recovered alcoholic. Whether I like the outcome to situations or not, I need to continue being honest with those close to me otherwise I fall prey to being caught up in the illusions that my ego creates.
I?m happy to say things are going far better than I could of imagined with this new relationship and that has only come through my self honesty. To quote a line from one of my favourite movies ?Into The Wild? ? ?I?m going to paraphrase Thoreau here? rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness? give me truth. This line just about sums it up for me. Yet that truth today has no attachments of being manipulating in order to paint the picture I want to portray of myself. What you see is what you get today, warts and all. I am who I am, with all my little imperfections and insecurities and I?m learning to love those things about me today because after all I?m only human. It's okay to be me today and that's only come through some hard work and many tears in order to be more accepting of myself. I can share things honestly today without fear of judgement, without shying away from the the truth because somehow I may not be 'loved' by others. I can stand tall and be proud of my achievements because I know I'm a worthwhile person today. I know my past; and I'm not ashamed as I once was to admit my faults. When you want something in this life you have to reach out and grab it with both hands, no matter how scary the thought is of failing. It's no good trying to do sobriety by half measures because you'll always tell yourself you're not good enough to grab it with both hands. You have to give it 110% or life will be one of continuous swings and roundabouts. I'd rather choose the roller-coaster ride any day of the week!!
Many Blessings
xx
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake,
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