I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

[BellaC]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a little while since I've posted. I had 103 (!) days AF and I did something STUPID...I planned to relapse. Don't get me wrong...I don't believe that getting hit with a craving at a vulnerable time is an excuse to drink (that's why we have our sobriety plans). But I DECIDED that after day 100 I would take a drink to "see".

Well I have seen, and it isn't pretty! I only know two things for sure- I humiliated myself and my boyfriend is seriously, seriously pissed at me. Aside from that, I don't know. Because I was trashed.

I'm an adult, not a 17 year old kid at my first party. It is not cute.

I can't moderate and I've known that in my gut since I got real with myself about my addiction. Yet I tried anyway. It was a combination of things. 'Relapse is a part of recovery' is I think what really fucked with me. And of course, the classic - 'I've been able to stop for months...am I really an alcoholic?'

Yes! The answer is yes! If you're counting sober days and fixating on alcohol, then yeah, you're an alkie. And guys, the rational part of my brain told myself all of that. And I did it anyway.

The only possibly decent thing to have come from this is that now there is no question in my mind that I'm capable of moderation. I knew it before, but now I can't even kid myself. Because a couple of drinks at a wedding turned into a three day binge.

I am still proud of myself for going 103 days. I wasn't happy, to be honest. No pink cloud for me. But I was clear. I saw what was wrong with my life that I had used alcohol to numb and decided to fix it.

I'm going to start my AF days back at day 1, starting tomorrow, since I drank after midnight last night. Might sound silly to some, but I think a lot of you understand-this is how seriously we must take the relapse. It wasn't a blip on the radar for me; it was a huge fuck-up and there are consequences to that. So day one, here I come. But I'm still really proud of the 100+ .

BTW; I read One2Many's post about the wake up call and I LOVED IT. I need the tough love kick in the ass. personally. It was wonderful for me to read today. If you see this, One, thank you!

[one2many]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Hey bella,

Here's a big FAT kick up the hole for ya love! You KNOW that you cannot drink now....and yes it was a big FUCK up but you are back and being HONEST and you KNOW where you stand.

I understand about starting your AF days tomorrow, I would be the same, I am a stickler for things like that.

Good on ya Bella! You did 103 days...you know you can do it and now you know you cannot moderate!!!

Always here if ya need a chat or a kick in the arse xxxx

[KateH1]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

BellaC, Thank you for sharing your experience so eloquently. This sort of sharing truly helps everyone. I especially appreciate how you have taken full responsibility for your decision to drink. I know, when I decided to try drinking again when I was only 28 days AF, it was my decision. I did not slip, no one else caused my drinking, and I did not drink because of stress, (even though I was under tons of stress at the time!). I drank because I chose to drink.

BellaC, it sounds like you have learned and gain a lot out of this experience. These Lessons that will serve you well in the future! I hope the issues with your boyfriend smooth out quickly!

I am wishing you much success in moving forward!
XX Kate

[rubywillow]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Bell, I've been wondering where you were. You REALLY were a different, new person recently, one I enjoyed talking to. And I look forward to that again. I can't tell you how happy I am you've taken this deep dark look at yourself, and maybe that awful fall will reinforce what you know you need. Thank you for coming back and sharing with us.

[momof3]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Bella,

Many of us have relapses even after we have made a serious decision to no longer drink. My last relapse was after a 45 day stretch of being AF. Even though it was only one night, I learned alot from that experience and finally "got it" that I could no longer even entertain the thought of drinking. It sounds like you are at that place now.

I'm not quite sure what your plan is for not drinking other than your connection here at MWO. But, I do know it is important to have one and to reassess how well it is working for you. I am going to repost this article from the "Toolbox" thread in the Monthly Abstinence Thread. It is a very comprehensive and wholistic approach to staying AF. One of the best I've seen.

51 Things You Should Know About Addiction Recovery

The more sober time I have behind me, the more I realize how alcohol screwed up my brain and distorted my thinking. Once the physical cravings are gone, your mind can still play some serious tricks on you.


M3

[Meech]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

You can do it Bella. I have been slipping back to my old ways and sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Today I'm with you. No AL. ODAT!
Meech

[techie]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Ok Bella. You were doing so well, but you wanted to test the water? Jeez I've done that many times. Not good. You know, that so get yourself back on your plan...simple right. I wish you the best and keep us informed as to how you're doing....John xx

[Doggygirl]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

BellaC, I think you are viewing this relapse in a healthy way, and learning from it. Taking responsibility rather than blaming people or circumstances is really important. Good for you. I can relate to the decision you made to drink. I did the exact same thing at 60 days AF. I wish I would have made my way back on the wagon as quickly. I learned a huge lesson and that experience squelched any small notion I had left about a hope of drinking normally. That was a blessing.

Congratulations on seeing this situation truthfully and not through some rose or other colored glasses.

Onward...

DG

[Choochie]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Bella and Meech - just wanted to offer words of encouragement. Sending you peace and strength.

Choochie:l

[Peacefull]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Good for you for stopping right away :goodjob:

I relapsed after 5 years and now 4 years later I am back to square one. I forget what day I am at now, over 60 anyway and the only thing is I do feel stronger than I did last time I quit.

So, bravo to you for not letting it get out of control and realizing what slippery slope moderating is.

[momof3]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Peace,

Posts such as yours really humble me and make me aware that I cannot be complacent. I wonder if you would consider sharing what led you down the path of drinking again after 5 years of sobriety and how you are getting yourself back on track. Just a thought. We all could learn so much from it.

M3

[mama bear]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Bella...thanks for your honesty. I am beginning to think that I am "allergic" to alcohol....that helps me rationalize that I cannot drink.
Be strong, and got another 100 days under belt!

[greeneyes]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Bella I did that too. After a year I thought maybe I could drink like a normal person. It was very pre-meditated. Very cautious. I drank (sipped a bit - no buzz) at a a couple wedding events over a weekend and didn't drink again for a month or so. But the damage was done; I'd opened Pandora's box. It was just a matter of time before I was back to my old ways. I never wonder about modding now. In that sense, I'm OK with it. Not wondering anymore was a relief. But I don't encourage anyone to test the waters because the danger of drowning is very real.

[KateH1]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Hi Peace,
I am happy to hear that you are getting back on track after your relapse. That must have been a difficult period of time for you. If you ever feel like sharing your experience with relapse after such a long period of sobriety, I for one, would like to hear it. I think it would be helfpful to know if you saw a shift in your thinking, if so, can you describe it. Did you change your support network? Did you experience any major life changes?

Though I do not "Fear" relapse every day, I am always acutely aware that it can happen. I try to remain vigilant as to my own thoughts and to remember that rest, hydration and eating properly are basics, along with exercise and meditation. I also know that I must stay out of the "drama zone" as that wears me down emotionally. Any way, I would love to hear more of your story.

Best Wishes to You on Your Journey Back!

xx Kate

[Pink Angel]

I pretty much JUMPED off the wagon

Bella, Im am so proud of you and your journey and i will continue to be proud of you even with a 'fuck up' under your belt! Who doesnt have one? You are human and it is normal to relapse from time to time. The fact is you learnt from it so it wasnt a waste of time hun.
Best wishes to you on your fresh start!
Luv Pink xxoo