The every day struggle

[e-g-73]

I have been doing a lot better in the last month since joining this forum, starting taking kudzu and l-glutamine. Kudzu seemed to be working so well at first, really shutting down the cravings..... but after a few weeks the effect seemed to be tapering off. I am taking a break from it now, hoping that by taking it again in a few weeks it will be as effective.

What I am struggling with is this daily battle. I do not want to live the rest of my life thinking that I won't be able to have a drink without the fear of going overboard. I do not want to live my life planning and avoiding alcohol encounters, or vice-versa - planning strategically the ability to have a few sips because the craving kicks in and it so strong.

I did not used to be a heavy drinker - I had my first drink when I was 18 - then did not drink until I was 24 again. I started drinking out of control once I had my two kids - at age 32 - having a full time intellectually demanding position, a household to maintain, a father affected by cancer that died within 18 months. I never drank heavily before the overwhelming load life gave me. I know... you think I am trying to find an excuse. But these are the facts.

I want to be the person I used to be before all of it. I want to be the person that enjoyed a few sips of wine with some fabulous cheese, or a piece of chocolate.

Will I ever not be that person again? What changed in me? Is it the chemistry of my brain? Do I really have the gene? And why have I not had a problem until the last few years? Does anybody have the same type of experience?

I am writing this thoughts down more for myself than anything else. I would love to know how you all cope with similar feelings if you have them. I am lost - I wish I could turn the clock back in time and make better decisions.

I am lucky my drinking did not have any effect on myself (that I know of) or my family/husband/kids. I am a lucky person. I know I should count my belssings. I know I know!

How do you fight this fight everyday? How do you stay motivated? Help! With gratitude.

e-g

[Hypernova]

The every day struggle

hello e-g-73 ~~ Where to start? I think many of us here encounter the same story you tell, just different because all of our lives unfold differently by chance, choices and individual circumstances. Our lives are largely affected by the choices or lack of choices we make. I only speak for myself and like you I am writing this as much for you as I am for me. To find the answers to where a problem began or what caused it will not necessarily lead to a solution as to how to fix it. So I think that magical thinking like turning the clock back or asking why did this or that happen is a futile attempt and waste of valuable time. When I have a large project in front of me I try and chunk it down into smaller ones so that it is not so overwhelming and seemingly impossible. You can quit drinking if you want it bad enough. Me, I wrote out a plan which included why, how & when I would deal with my drinking. I found the idea for writing it out in the toolbox~ https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html ~. There is no easy way around this. I have started and stumbled many times and perhaps may still. The difference is that each time I learn and try again. You are worth it and you sound so unhappy. I wish my words could help you. I've learned that the past is gone, right now is all I have & the future may never come. So as bad as this alcohol problem is we are fortunate not to suffer from so many of the afflictions as others do because just by not drinking we can take charge and live a wonderful & happy life. Please, for yourself take a step and help yourself to become the person you want to be. All the best to you.

[K9Lover]

The every day struggle

Hi e-g!
I just wanted to welcome you! We're glad you're here, and look forward to getting to know you! :h
K9

[TrappedDad]

The every day struggle

Hey e-g! Welcome. There is a vast amount of knowledge and experience in here. Almost overwhelming at times. In the beginning, you will be just finding your footing, so don't stress about it too much. Just that you are here is a good sign. Continue to post. There are people trying to go alcohol free and those that are trying to moderate. You will find your way out too! hang in there and keep on truckin girl

[Choochie]

The every day struggle

:welcome:Hi EG - Welcome

I'm new at this so I don't have a long track record to share with you. I just wanted to answer your question about motivation as it pertains to me.

I tend to forget about how bad alcohol was for me. I never had any big life catastrophes from it. My thing was that I was hungover every day. I don't have kids to regiment me or a big social circle or family, so there was never anyone to hound me or remind me that I had a problem.

What pushed me over the edge was just feeling bad every day and knowing I could not drink little enough to sleep well. That was my vicious cycle. Sleeping badly, waking up at 3 am with terrible feelings of anxiety and not being able to go back to sleep. Then, of course, the hangover the next day, the start up again at the cocktail hour, and on it went - for a very long time. I bought books on moderation and tried that but I always ended up ratcheting my amount up.

So, long story short, what motivates me is the desire to feel good rather than struggle through every day feeling sick. I know I cannot have any alcohol because that makes me want enough to not sleep, which ruins my next day. Pretty straightforward but I still have a lot of thoughts about alcohol. That's getting better, but it's still there. If I hang on I'm hoping those thoughts will virtually go away.

I have a program in place that keeps me grounded (food, exercise, reading, hypno tapes from MWO), and I come here a lot.

My best to you. Feeling good every day is a pretty big bonus for giving up alcohol. Hope I can keep it up and hope you find your way.
Hugs,
Choochie