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    #1

    a drinking marriage ....

    Anyone here in an alcoholic marriage? This is good and bad. Good things are:- mutual understanding, sharing attempts, giving in to the bottle together - and loving it! Then both resolving to quit, trying to help one another and supporting positively. Then one cracks and takes the other with him or her. The bad bit is definitely maintaining commitment which is sooooooooo hard, there will always be one of us with a reason/need/celebration/craving to drink whilst the other is is no strong position to deter.

    I read so much on individuals working on themselves, and I (the female) have been told by WFS to only care about ME - but I have a great marriage and cannot disentangle the whole picture. Anyone else in the same boat? Any thoughts? Success stories? Thanks, Cherrabah
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    #2
    a drinking marriage ....

    Hi cherrabah and welcome to mwo,This is a Great community with lots of good advice & support,

    I was married to alcohol and thought i was in love and so happy,but then realised that it was all falsh ,everything about it,

    I am now a happy divorced non drinker and hopefully every day i will stay that way.


    keep reading and posting you are not alone :-)


    :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

    Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
    I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

    This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

    Comment

      #3
      a drinking marriage ....

      Thanks Mario - and looks like you're on the way to two years AF! Great for you! My post may have sounded ambiguous because I don't feel married to alcohol, but share a couple of bottles of wine every night with DH. Kind of cosy but nothing really too cosy about addiction, is there? Just wondered if other couples may have found THEIR way out? Cherrabah X

      Comment

        #4
        a drinking marriage ....

        Hi Cherrabah,

        The trouble with giving up together of course, is that we are not the same. Our level of addiction, and specific reason/s we drink can be similar, but alway's stem from different circumstances, and our own experiences, so one partner's alcohol issues, whilst possibly similar in part, are essentially different from the other's. Giving up the booze, and healing our mind, body, spirit and soul, in my experience, is a very personal, and necessarily personal journey. Your 'way out' and what work's to get you sober, could be fairly different to what will work for your partner, or someone else.

        Best wishes on your journey. G-bloke.

        'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

        Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

        Comment

          #5
          a drinking marriage ....

          I'm in one and it's a nightmare. I've been told numerous times to get out of it - no physical violence between us which is probably rare but here are some fun points:

          Coming home from AA meetings to a drunk wife who herself refuses to get help
          Being in rehab and getting phone calls from the wife when she's drunk
          When I drink she really drinks
          When I'm sober she hides her drinking
          Having her take me to the ER for detox while she's drunk
          Having to take her to Dr. appts. for minor injuries sustained because of her drinking while both half loaded (broken toes 3x)
          Her taking me to the ER for unreal abdominal pain which turned out to be nothing while both loaded

          A drunk feeding off a drunk - you better have some incredible medical insurance or deep pockets. If one gets nuts while drunk, that creates a whole new universe that I cannot fathom.

          Best of luck ..... success stories, I would love to hear one. Not being a jerk by any stretch, just telling you my side as a husband of an alcoholic wife who is in turn the wife of an alcoholic husband.
          Dean Wormer to Bluto (John Belushi) from the movie Animal House: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son."

          Comment

            #6
            a drinking marriage ....

            Hi Cher,

            I think you have to think about your priorities. How is your health? Any negative repercussions from drinking yet? How about DH? Is he overweight? High blood pressure? If you answer any of these questions 'yes' you probably have a problem.

            How much do you drink? Why do you want to quit? Do you really want to quit? When was the last time you went for 3 days without a drink? Have you talked to your doctor?

            Did you ever wonder what your marriage would be like without AL?

            Sorry to pepper you with questions but it helps to know more about you, dear.
            AF since May 6, 2010

            Forget the past, plan for tomorrow, and live for today.

            Comment

              #7
              a drinking marriage ....

              Cher,

              I have a success story (kind of)........Alcohol was a huge part of my life with my husband. When I decided to quit, so did he. It has made things so much easier, as you can imagine. However, his reasons for quitting were two-fold. (1) He wanted to support me and was much better at moderating than I and (2) he has had cancer and a major surgery so he wanted to do it for himself too.

              We are both so much happier now. I don't know if your husband has the desire to quit, or if you do for that matter. If you do and he doesn't maybe he could commit to at least stopping for a couple of months until you got strong enough to resisit the temptation if he goes back to drinking.

              You are in a parasitic rather than symbiotic relationship if each person's drinking fuels the other's. But, one can stop only if they truly want to - so it will be hard to be on the same page............However, if you can get there, then the two of you doing it together could actually strengthen your chances. I think it's like smoking - most smokers can't quit when their partner continues?? All of this is just my humble opinion - don't claim to have all the answers, that's for sure!

              Wishing you the best of luck.

              Choochie

              Comment

                #8
                a drinking marriage ....

                Cher--I can relate.....sort of. Hubby and I were drinking buddies for many years. We have 2 sons, age 12 and 16. Like you, we would have some half-assed attempts to cut down our drinking together, and one (or both) of us would always talk the other one into a drink.

                A little over 2 years ago I quit drinking, and he did not. This is a tough situation, because I was married to an alcoholic before and some of those same co-dependent tendencies that I had been covering up with alcohol started to come up again. It hasn't been easy, and our relationship has changed, but my quitting at least gives our sons one parent that is not under the influence much of the time.

                Best wishes to you.
                _______________
                NF since June 1, 2008
                AF since September 28, 2008
                DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                _____________
                :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                _______________
                The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                Comment

                  #9
                  a drinking marriage ....

                  Hi there Cher and welcome. Both Hubs and I drink/drank. Neither of us would get drunk as such - tipsy but not drunk. he drinks way more than me. I was worried about my drinking and said I wanted to stop - he said I didn't need to (if I had a problem, then obviously so did he). I did quit for 8 months and our relationship didn't change - he still drank, but did stop drinking the hard stuff and just stuck to beer. When I started again, he went back to the hard stuff! I have just stopped again and he said he was going to cut down - SO, he is aware that he drinks too much and me stopping makes him more aware of that. He is supportive of me stopping and doesn't try to have me join him in a drink when I am stopped and I don't try to make him stop when I am AF. Do you want your Hubs to be AF? As long as you are happy with you each doing what you each choose to do I see no problem. Our marriage seems to have worked whichever way the AL has been in it - we have been married 28 or 29 years (can never remember). I think if one cracks and decides to have a drink - well, it is up to the other to stick to their guns and say no - unless they really wanted to 'crack' all along??? don't really know if I have helped you at all - you just have to be determined!

                  Hugs, Sun xx
                  How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now and there will never be a time when it is not now....

                  Comment

                    #10
                    a drinking marriage ....

                    Yup I'm in one. As others have said when we are both AF it's great, we work as a team, we enjoy each other and feel good together. When one of us drinks it's pretty hard for the other not to. Not impossible, but it's not easy. My first husband only drank a little on the weekends, as did I, with an occasional hard drink socially. But with Joe we seem to only drink to get drunk.

                    I don't like Joe's personality when he gets to a certain point, he can be annoying and easily gets upset.

                    It's a problem I'm well aware of....sigh. I feel your pain. :l

                    Comment

                      #11
                      a drinking marriage ....

                      That feels better, reading all these replies. I can certainly identify with Hart and Sunshinedaisies. We have been very happily married for 39 years (so I'm not too young!) and what started with a couple of glasses of wine when the children went to bed has slowly grown into an habitual addiction. For the most part we seem okay health-wise though I've just treated dh to a liver function test - which may end up a deciding factor.

                      I change my mind from panicking to relaxing with it. I guess that's part of the cycle of addiction, sliding from okay-ish to a bottom. Maybe if it was less marginal I would feel more committed.... but you see here, in the UK, it's 4.15 and nearly time to for the imp to remind me we have a cosy night in and how nice a little glass of wine would be......

                      I have stopped alone before. I may find it a little easier than dh but I worry the most ...but as Guitarista said, everyone's addiction is personal to their own issues so although it feels like a drinking partnership it's really perhaps two separate people drinking alone in the same room. Thanks for listening and for your replies. I guess it's through hearing what you say - and what I say too, that helps me see things more clearly. Cher X

                      Comment

                        #12
                        a drinking marriage ....

                        My partner has massively cut down on her own drinking, which has been so helpful to me. She doesn't really have the bug the way I do.

                        How good of friends are you? I think that's a key factor. As choochie says, quitting together could actually increase your chances of staying "quit".

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