a plan to fail

[spuddleduck]

i was sat at work this morning and suddenly started planning to take a holiday tomorrow... i have some time to take off so why not tommorow. as i was innocently filling out my holiday form i realised what i was doing. I WAS PLANNING TO DRINK. I honestly hadnt realised what was going on. i knew i had a trigger day coming on. mr spuds was out with his mate which usually involves lots of drinking on there part which i always find a bit difficult. i realised a thought at the back of my mind was planning to take time for a hangover... just in case i got tempted... just in case i had '1' drink.. WHAT THE F**K. Im not sure what made me realize cos i really didnt have the thought at the front of my mind at all but when i started thinking about it ,it was definately on the cards. anyway.... i didnt put in for the holiday and i came home and took the dogs for a good long walk and had a bath. then bugger me, while i was cooking dinner i found in the cupboard half a bottle of wine..hidden away from the bonfire party (probobly me hiding my stash . ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! was i tempted.... o boy was i tempted. glad to say IT WENT DOWN THE DRAIN... i know where it would have ended.... a place i dont want to be. this has made me realise (though i already know) how much i have to be on my guard... all the time.... al is lurking there at the back of my mind (and the front of course) just waiting to catch me out in a weak moment.

[spuddleduck]

a plan to fail

oh and mr spuds didnt go out and get plastered so all well all round

[Wagoneer]

a plan to fail

Good for you Spuds! You're right about being on-guard. ALL THE TIME. So tiring, but well worth it, right?

[Accountable for Me]

a plan to fail

Good for you!! Dumping it down the drain!!

Enjoy your day off tomorrow! Waking up sober ready to enjoy the day - there is no better way!

[tlrgs]

a plan to fail

awesome spud .. you are realising and thinking and staying on your guard is the key.. there bis al in ever store and all most every sign... but knowing whats right for you ... you are doing spud keep it going

[Chillgirl]

a plan to fail

Well done Spuds! Recognizing the evil voice of the AL monster is a crucial part of the recovery path. Tell him to go take a **** to himself!!

[spuddleduck]

a plan to fail

this has made me wonder how many other times ive subconciously planned to fail. this may sound silly but pot noodle is one of my hangover foods. its quick, easy and crap and salty.. and i add extra soy just for badness. recently ive been keeping them in stock in my cupboard....along with alka seltza. now why am i doing than unless im foreseeing a hangover coming on. today has really opened my mind to how my thoughts may actually going. i think ive been waddling along blind with blinkers on recently. TIME TO OPEN MY EYES.. AND MY MIND TO WHAT IS GOING ON!

[K9Lover]

a plan to fail

Good job Spuds!
I have tomorrow off also, and I couldn't believe that I actually had a "drinking thought"...after all this time. So yes, we definitely need to be on guard ALL the time. It's such a habit to associate a day off with drinking the night before (for me anyway). Instead I will wake up tomorrow refreshed, and enjoy my day, and if I decide to hang out on the couch all day, it will be by choice, and not because I'm feeling like sh*t!!!
Keep up the good work my feathery friend!
K9

[Choochie]

a plan to fail

Bravo, Spuds. You'll thank yourself when you wake up refreshed and unhung! The worst, though, about even drinking a little alcohol (in my mind) is that the craving would start all over again. I don't want to keep battling the roller coaster of craving!

[mollyka]

a plan to fail

Good for you Spuds. I find I now recognise triggers and that makes a big difference. Sling the Pot noodles I say.
I'm going to stay in a hotel tomorrow night with my daughter and I haven't a notion of drinking but there is sort of 'a hole' in the plan -- hotels and drinking always went together. I'll get over it tho!!
Molly

[fennel]

a plan to fail

I'm glad you recognized the situation, and thwarted it, spuds! :l

[techie]

a plan to fail

Spuds those are wonderful posts. Its great when we get that insight into our behavior. I was one for sabotaging myself on a regular basis too!

[Mish]

a plan to fail

:happy::wd::yougo::wave::kudos::cheering:
Oh Spuds, what a wonderful post. I set myself up for a fall and saboutage my efforts around about the time my self-esteem starts to grow. I have to be most on my guard when I am feeling good about myself. It's as though positive feelings are unconfortable and the negative ones are unpleasant but still within my comfort zone.
I know it's because I am unused to internal dialogue that says I am a good person with a right to be here on the planet with the rest of the human race. I am not the scum lying on the surface of the pool. It's also because I haven't learned how to fill my thoughts with real activities apart from drinking...like you, a holiday means sitting around the pool with a lovely cocktail. Or sitting in a restaurant with a lovely wine.
Alcohol stunts our emotional growth and keeps us imprisoned with feelings of utter worthlessness. When we develop self-awareness and look deep inside to find authenticity of self, we can unlock the prison door and walk free into a brave new world, seeing the saboutage for what it is. I read once "The prison into which we bind ourselves no prison is." Whoever penned that did not know the suffering of addiction.
Spuds, let's break out together from that lying, deceitful back brain voice and run free, throw our arms into the sky and yell..."Wooooohoooooo."

[spuddleduck]

a plan to fail

mish that is so true ... i had kind of identified that feeling but not quite understood it. you get so used to feeling crappy about yourself that its hard to feel like a good, useful person... or just a person who has the right to be and be themselves. amost like you have to squash the feelings because it isnt right. how freaking nuts is that. i know i always feel i should be able to sort everything and everone out.. hells teeth what chance is there of that if i cant even sort myself out. i know there are a few good threads on here about such things.. i must go find them and remind myself. didnt have the holiday but when i came out of work that old feeling returned ... wehey no work (dont work fridays).. i can have a drink... NO I BLOODY WELL CANT!!!! im really having to get to the root of these ridiculous drinking thoughts

[mama bear]

a plan to fail

good for you spud....I am doing the same introspective thinking and trying to figure it all out. But the bottom line is this, I cannot drink. Period. I am allergic to it.
I am proud of you my friend for dumping the bottle you found. I am sure that was hard.