This is a grim subject but......

[breaking_the_cycle]

who else here is an abuse survivor?

How many of us were using alcohol to escape the memories of abuse?

In my case my mother used to invite local pedophiles round to abuse me. God knows why (maybe they gave her money?) She has implied that she too was raped as a little girl. She doesn't appear to have addiction issues herself but she is extremely mentally unstable.

When I would sit there getting drunk on my sparkling wine I could pretend that all this stuff didn't really happen to me. I could find life funny and light. Now that I'm sober I gotta face the harsh reality.

I've been through two years of therapy with my spiteful therapist and I have improved somewhat. But all the time I was in therapy I've been using alcohol as a crutch. In fact, now I think about it, the only time I drink heavily is when I am in therapy!!!! (I was in therapy for a few months some years ago and during that time I drank an enormous amount of booze - it's like I can't cope with all the feelings and memories stirred up in the therapy?)

Maybe I should bite the bullet and go on anti-depressants to help me deal with it instead of turning to alcohol. Anti-depressants do have nasty side-effects but I suppose they're probably not as bad for you as alcohol?!

[K9Lover]

This is a grim subject but......

Hi Breaking,

I just wanted to give you a hug :l and let you know I feel so bad for what you went through. Pedophiles and child abusers should be shot!

It makes sense that you are hiding from your feelings through alcohol. Most of us here have done that. I would talk to your Dr. about the anti-depressants. I have been on Celexa for over a year and haven't had any side effects.

Good luck to you, and keep us posted!

:h
K9

[breaking_the_cycle]

This is a grim subject but......

Thanks K9!:l

[mollyka]

This is a grim subject but......

Breaking, I am so sorry that you have been through so much. I have no experience of abuse, but I'm sure you are not alone among alcohol abusers. Just to let you know I am thinking of you and I hope that someone can talk with you. Regards anti-depressants, I have been taking a fairly hefty one for a while now and have no side effects whatsoever. Don't know if that's what you need but just responding to the bit about side effects. If you don't like or get on with your therapist I have to say that would be the first thing I would change:l:l
Molly

[one2many]

This is a grim subject but......

Breaking,

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that this happened to you, no child should have to endure horror like that.

I applaud you for ditching the drink and facing your past head on and I wish you the very best in getting a new therapist and maybe trying some anti depressants.

Love

Oney x

[Choochie]

This is a grim subject but......

BTC,

I've been posting to you on another thread but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're having to figure out how to cope with what went on in your childhood. It's amazing how much abuse there is, and I can feel smoke come out of my ears when I think about someone taking advantage of a child. And, then on top of that, a mother that let it happen. I can't imagine. Just hope you can compartmentalize it, put it away, and save the rest of your life and make it happy.

Hugs,
Choochie:l

[Mish]

This is a grim subject but......

Breaking, I am so sorry for the things you have been through. I was not sexually abused as a child, but I experienced rape and mental abuse in my first marriage, and it leaves one scarred and damaged.
As a very young child I was left with a babysitter who used to take me to my house from hers, go inside and make me stay outside while she stole things, and then told me that if I told anyone she would tell her brother Rex, who was in gaol for murder, to come and kill my parents with an axe. To my five year old psyche this was real, and I was sick with horror and never told why. It was terrifying to think that I had the power to cause or prevent my parents being killed. I had nightmares, started bedwetting, withdrew and became sad. It changed me from an outgoing happy child into a nervous one. Whatever abuse a perpetrator uses on a child is criminal. It wasn't until I was an adult and told my mother about this that she informed me that Rex was not in gaol for murder but in a convalescent home for tuberculosis.
Be strong, Breaking...these animals have taken enough of your life from you. Don't let them take another day from the dear child you are within. Hug little Breaking and tell her you will never let anyone hurt her like that again. :l:l:l:l:l:l

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

This is a grim subject but......

Breaking, sounds like you need to fire your therapist to me. "Spiteful" is not the kind of adjective that should be part of that kind of relationship, IMO.

Have you played at all with NLP? The simplest exercise I know is to remember a traumatic event then do a play-by-play again in your mind but backwards, starting at the end. Do it over and over until it's so boring that you can't stand to do it anymore. It doesn't "cure" anything about the coping mechanisms that I learned or the way my mind works - but it did take the sting out of the memories themselves and rendered them powerless. I learned it from a therapist. And, yes, my childhood was riddled with abuse, but my mom never handed me over to people to be abused, and my heart breaks for you because that is heartbreaking stuff.

I hope you find what you need, be it anti-depressants and/or a better therapist, and I hope you find peaceful, AF life.

[Pride before Fall]

This is a grim subject but......

I am, Breaking. I eventually found a good therapist (had a couple of duds--one actually told me to drink to relax?! Another took calls during sessions). I took Effexor for panic attacks, which started in my 20s--I seriously thought I was going crazy.

I eventually did EMDR, like Zen, which really helped. I still take a beta blocker for situations that trigger the fight/flight surge, and I'm absolutely sure I drank to numb out the vigilance and fear, and but I'm so, so much better now. I told myself at some point the assholes could take my childhood, but I wasn't going to hand over my whole life. (In my case, the abusers were all in my family).

So yes, I think abuse and substance use are linked, and I know there's the right combination of help out there for you, like there was for me. Brave of you to post! :l I didn't even tell anyone until I was 28. I've been intending to write a "My Story" with the whole sorry tale but haven't gotten around to it yet. Much strength to you--you know you have it already or you wouldn't have made it this far. :boxer:

Pride

[peacenik]

This is a grim subject but......

btc, it seems natural to want to escape such horrible memories...like pride said, they can take your childhood, but not your whole life. now you can choose how to deal with what you have been through. my heart goes out to you and all children who had no responsibility or blame in the horrors that happen to them.
hugs


ps what is emdr?

[Wally22]

This is a grim subject but......

I don't think the abuse I suffered as a child was on the level that yours was. Mine was my father, and it was more like inappropriate touching. He was also physically abusive to my brother and I. He and my mother also fought, but truthfully it was pretty much a match. Shouting and fighting were pretty much continual as I was growing up.
I don't think it's the reason I drink, I think it's the reason I don't like my father.
I take Celexa and have been for several years. I also take Welbutrin. The combination of the two seems to work for me. I have had no side effects. I have also drank heavily while taking antidepressants and suffered no ill effects that I am aware of.
Like everyone else I think you should change therapists. I truly like my therapist and feel he is a positive thing in my life.
I have been AF for almost 3 months now, but it is because I am taking antabuse. I am quite certain that if I wasn't I would be bingeing every night as usual. I hope you do find a new therapist, one who is trained in dealing with alcoholics. I think we all have our own story, but we all have very much in common. I have learned that from my therapist, who is a doctor, and an alcoholic. Hugs to you.

[mario]

This is a grim subject but......

So sorry to hear that, if you think your therapist is spiteful get rid of them,you need to be comfortable and gaining trust with your therapist,

[Wagoneer]

This is a grim subject but......

BTC - I am so sorry that you have gone through this. I can relate. Completely. I went through years of therapy wth different therapists and it really helped. I don't do well on medications (my reactions are completely bizarre) so I think perhaps I used alcohol to self-medicate. It is a hard road to have all those memories stuck in your head. But in all honesty, for me, the best thing I have done is stop drinking and focus on the postive things in my life - me, my kids, my husband and my sober journey. I remember the abuse by my father and subequently my ex husband, but I cannot change that - I can only change the way I react to it. Not that I don't remember and feel horrible sometimes, but I don't have the alcohol induced anxiety I had to make it that much worse. I wish I had more advice to give you. I understand and I pray that you can find peace - AF.

[Pride before Fall]

This is a grim subject but......

I remember the abuse by my father and subequently my ex husband, but I cannot change that - I can only change the way I react to it. >>

In a nutshell, that's how I dealt with it, Wag. :l

[Pride before Fall]

This is a grim subject but......

Zen, coincidentally, I just got that book in the mail . How is it? I need to finish the one I've got, that I'm diggin' in.

xoxo Pride