Startingover's fall from grace.....

[Accountable for Me]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

You are a very strong and brave woman, Starty! Not many would have the slightest bit of courage, such as yourself for posting something so honest such as this.

Although you did what you did, no one, who hasn't been through it, or through such a loss, can really understand the complexities of emotions that go along to watching someone die, such as you did. It is completely physically and emotionally exhausting. Although you knew what the outcome was going to be, it doesn't make it any easier for when that day comes.

To be perfectly honest with you, with my own father dying of cancer, I am scared to wits about what I will do when that day comes! Sure, I can be all strong right now, but as time goes on and when he gets to the stages of impending death, where will my own head be?

Your post really, really, really, helps me raise awareness within my own self of what could happen, and I realize that I should prepare myself for the worse. Which means that although, I am being strong and supportive of everyone else during this time, I am really going to have to start looking for support for me as well. I have a number for Hospice here, and they offer grief counseling. Maybe I should start looking into it now.

Thank you so very much for sharing. I cannot express you how much I appreciate it. We all really have to fight this fight ALL of the time.

You are so very wonderful. Again, I am sorry for your loss. Many hugs to you, hon. xoxoxo

[JackieClaire]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

I can offer no more words than have been said apart from thanking you for the honesty and courage for your post.
:l:l:l

[Ringing Cedars]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Starty I haven't read it all but wanted to tell you how much I truly respect and value you. Sending you hugs and I will read when I get back and settled. xox

[Popeye]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Thank you Starty and everyone else for opening my eyes a little more.
My mum died eight years ago today, which I just realised. (I had to check the date). She was an alcoholic like me and we didn't get on for many years but just before she died she made an effort to win her family back and, for the most part, succeeded. My brother still hates her with a passion for the way he sees that she gave up on us when we were small but I've come to realise that it was the disease that caught her and she didn't have the will to fight it. When she died I was already a drunk and her death was met with the usual binge but for a different reason. If it were to happen today, I can't honestly say that I wouldn't take a drink. Maybe it would be too good an opportunity to let pass, who knows??
I've never taken drugs, except for one joint when I was very drunk which I didn't like. I've never seen cocaine or heroine or any of the little tablets that kids take nowadays even though people I know take them regularly and they are readily available. My daughter is a regular 'smoker' and my son came home late one night earlier this year in bits because of a cocaine thing that he has been going through for a few years. I never knew or guessed. I really have no idea about these things and I'm glad I don't but that doesn't stop me feeling for anyone caught in the grip af an addiction because I am one of those people.
You're a good friend Starty and have helped me find my bearings and on more than one occasion and I thank you again for that.
I just wish I was more use to you.
Thinking of you too AFM.

[tlrgs]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

startingover;1002626 wrote: Gawd, i wish I could just squeeze you all to bits.
Honestly your replies and your support have done more for me than you can possibly realise
While I was writing it, and cringing and beating myself up I was wondering what sort of responses I would get and how I would feel. So when I posted it, I just hit "post quick reply" and then legged it :H
I must admit I was nervous to log back in
Well, that was madness, just another episode of distorted thinking on mt part.
Thanks everyone, this has given me a huge boost and an added impetus to keep moving on up

im so glad you took the leap of faith girl you are awesome and all i want to say .. love and big big hugs to you

[Guitarista]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Great post Start's.

I wish i was there to squeeze you tight. You being around for me has definately contributed to this, the longest period of sobriety for me.

Take care, Greg xx

[Mish]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Thank you Starty.

[hippie37]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Thanks for your honesty Starts.

Much love and respect to you for allowing others to see the vulnerable side of you. It's obvious from the responses so far that that's what people have warmed to and not that sentimental crap!!

Love and hugs
and many blessings
xx

[SKendall]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Hi Starts, thank you for sharing. Your courage doesn't surprise me at all, you have shown us many times that quality in yourself.

My father died 2 weeks ago. I felt so orphaned. My older brother who was drunk and ugly at my mother's funeral created a rift that has never been healed. As a result, I made the decision not to return for the funeral and my sister supported me on this decision. Actually it was more of a small celebration of life than a funeral. As a result of my decision I avoided the potential conflict that may have occurred and sent me spiralling downwards. My sobriety has been elusive and I've been on a good track lately. However, I don't have the "closure" or whatever that means of not seeing his final goodbye.

Like you, my sister was the carer and was an absolute star. She felt privileged and honoured to be part of his final journey. You must think about that Starty, because I you had such a wonderful opportunity to make your mother's last days filled with love and care.

Yes, I understand how the addict reacts to loss, it is such a blow. Your flirting with drugs is over, but don't dwell on that. You were part of a much larger picture in yours and your mother's life.

Love you to pieces and you will come out stronger and more aware. Addiction is a monstrosity.

Love,

Hilary

[Doggygirl]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Starty, I have so much respect for you. Your honesty and candor have helped me today, and for that I thank you. I sometimes wonder whether there will be a time when drinking again WOULD make sense. I know I am not alone in having those thoughts from time to time. You have given us your answer - it's not worth it even under the most difficult of circumstances. I'm so glad you are a member of this forum and I'm honored to share your path to sobriety.

This is one of my favorite passages from one of the personal stories in the Big Book of AA. I have no real idea why I thought of it in connection with your posts. But it came to mind like I'm supposed to share it here, so I will.

Excerpt from "Acceptance Was the Answer" page 417, Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supopsed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

I find a lot of hope in that passage and I hope you do too.

May you find your serenity again.

DG

[tawnyfrog]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Starts, from where I'm sitting, I see no fall from grace. I see a stark reminder that none of us can ever think we're totally, permanently out of the woods.

Life will continue to throw the hard stuff at us. Your story is a sobering reminder that we must be prepared for all eventualities.

Thank you for your honest post.

[byebyebridgetjones]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

You will never fall from Grace in my eyes Starty. :l

[koki]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

thanks

Thank you for being so open I NEEDED that humble reminder once an addict always an addict how quickly we forget!:l

[Miss Behaving]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Starty I cant say much more than has already been said. But I have the utmost admiration for your ability to reflect on what happened and to share it with us. :l

[spuddleduck]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

starty, thank you so much for sharing that with us. it was a truly awful time for you. i do have a question and i hope its not inapropriate to ask. as far as i know, while you were going through this you werent posting about your feelings and such like towards taking the drugs. i know this is how we tend to behave. do you think it would have helped if you had. you obviously feel better about 'confessing' how you were coping with things. just wondering what was going through your mind on that line. please dont think im being intrusive as i know you are still grieving deeply. once again, thanks so much for sharing this with us. very best wishes to you....and lots of loving quacks