Startingover's fall from grace.....

[greeneyes]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Starty, you are a very kind soul and I just love you for that.

[spuddleduck]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

whoooaaaahhh. sorry. ive been misunderstood there. ive nothing but great respect for starts. i was just wondering if it would have helped and why she felt she couldnt post. sorry .. ill zip me beak up

[dancelot]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Thanks so much for sharing this, Starty. I can only imagine how hard that was to go through, and I appreciate your honesty. Wishing you serenity. :l

[beagle]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

you deserve all the love,respect & gratitude in bucket-loads starty for this.
you've had the amazing humanity to help me when i am stuck in my own little private hell, when i am unaware of yours. if i could be half the person you are, well, that'd be something.
what wonderful support from everyone here too. amazing place.

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Wow! I am amazed at the support and generostiy of everyone here. Ive said it before and Ill say it again, you are absolutely amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Wish I could multi quote, because there are a few points that I would like to respond to but I cant, so you'll have to bear with me here

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Accountable for Me;1002749 wrote: You are a very strong and brave woman, Starty! Not many would have the slightest bit of courage, such as yourself for posting something so honest such as this.

Although you did what you did, no one, who hasn't been through it, or through such a loss, can really understand the complexities of emotions that go along to watching someone die, such as you did. It is completely physically and emotionally exhausting. Although you knew what the outcome was going to be, it doesn't make it any easier for when that day comes.

To be perfectly honest with you, with my own father dying of cancer, I am scared to wits about what I will do when that day comes! Sure, I can be all strong right now, but as time goes on and when he gets to the stages of impending death, where will my own head be?

Your post really, really, really, helps me raise awareness within my own self of what could happen, and I realize that I should prepare myself for the worse. Which means that although, I am being strong and supportive of everyone else during this time, I am really going to have to start looking for support for me as well. I have a number for Hospice here, and they offer grief counseling. Maybe I should start looking into it now.

Thank you so very much for sharing. I cannot express you how much I appreciate it. We all really have to fight this fight ALL of the time.

You are so very wonderful. Again, I am sorry for your loss. Many hugs to you, hon. xoxoxo

AFM, I just wanted to hold out my hand to you. Such a difficult harrowing time for you just now. All I can tell you is what gave me comfort.
Being with my mum for her last weeks was an incredible comfort, the actual day she died was beautifully peaceful, she slipped into unconcsiousness that just went deeper and deeper. I knew she was aware of us as she could still squeeze our hands, as time went on, this passed. The support and advice that I had from her doctors, Macmillan nurses and carers that came to check on her daily was an absolute godsend and I will always be grateful for that. As far as asking for support now, I really think you should. You have many fears and questions that may be alleviated by knowing what to expect. That might take away some of the worry for you. Grief counselling and talking to the people at the hospice is a great idea.
If I can be of any support to you at all just now, please let me know :l

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

SKendall;1002969 wrote: Hi Starts, thank you for sharing. Your courage doesn't surprise me at all, you have shown us many times that quality in yourself.

My father died 2 weeks ago. I felt so orphaned. My older brother who was drunk and ugly at my mother's funeral created a rift that has never been healed. As a result, I made the decision not to return for the funeral and my sister supported me on this decision. Actually it was more of a small celebration of life than a funeral. As a result of my decision I avoided the potential conflict that may have occurred and sent me spiralling downwards. My sobriety has been elusive and I've been on a good track lately. However, I don't have the "closure" or whatever that means of not seeing his final goodbye.

Like you, my sister was the carer and was an absolute star. She felt privileged and honoured to be part of his final journey. You must think about that Starty, because I you had such a wonderful opportunity to make your mother's last days filled with love and care.

Yes, I understand how the addict reacts to loss, it is such a blow. Your flirting with drugs is over, but don't dwell on that. You were part of a much larger picture in yours and your mother's life.

Love you to pieces and you will come out stronger and more aware. Addiction is a monstrosity.

Love,

Hilary

Hilary, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent has got to be one of the worst things we go through. Dealing with other family members can be doubly trying I know.
I get an enormous comfort from the time I gave my mum. I honestly believe that we made our peace during that time. We both apologised and just got on with loving each other for the time we had left. That is the most amazing gift ever.
Wishing you much strength and love Hilary

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Doggygirl;1002970 wrote: Starty, I have so much respect for you. Your honesty and candor have helped me today, and for that I thank you. I sometimes wonder whether there will be a time when drinking again WOULD make sense. I know I am not alone in having those thoughts from time to time. You have given us your answer - it's not worth it even under the most difficult of circumstances. I'm so glad you are a member of this forum and I'm honored to share your path to sobriety.

This is one of my favorite passages from one of the personal stories in the Big Book of AA. I have no real idea why I thought of it in connection with your posts. But it came to mind like I'm supposed to share it here, so I will.

Excerpt from "Acceptance Was the Answer" page 417, Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supopsed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.




I find a lot of hope in that passage and I hope you do too.

May you find your serenity again.

DG

DG, I am so glad that my post has helped you in some way. That was totally my intention and to see another long termer having doubts just goes to show how easily our thinking can change. BUT it also means we can change it back.
I LOVE that passage you quoted. Its very much based on how I try to look at things these days. Everything happens for a reason and every experience we have will teach us something new. Acceptance is something I need to work on a bit more. But seeing it written there in black and white is an encouraging and very helpful message to me.
Thank you DG you are an inspiration to me :l

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

spuddleduck;1003153 wrote: starty, thank you so much for sharing that with us. it was a truly awful time for you. i do have a question and i hope its not inapropriate to ask. as far as i know, while you were going through this you werent posting about your feelings and such like towards taking the drugs. i know this is how we tend to behave. do you think it would have helped if you had. you obviously feel better about 'confessing' how you were coping with things. just wondering what was going through your mind on that line. please dont think im being intrusive as i know you are still grieving deeply. once again, thanks so much for sharing this with us. very best wishes to you....and lots of loving quacks

Spuddy, thats absolutely fine to ask me that girl
Zenny is right, I was talking a bit, BUT the truth was I didnt want help, I had made my decision and I didnt want anyone trying to talk me out of it. I didnt want help with my drug taking at that point at all.
Thinking back, my postings on MWO were more to stop people worrying about me than anything. I know when people just go quiet its very worrying for other members and I didnt want that.
I hope you are doing OK, I know you have had a rough time lately too :l

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Popeye;1002805 wrote: Thank you Starty and everyone else for opening my eyes a little more.
My mum died eight years ago today, which I just realised. (I had to check the date). She was an alcoholic like me and we didn't get on for many years but just before she died she made an effort to win her family back and, for the most part, succeeded. My brother still hates her with a passion for the way he sees that she gave up on us when we were small but I've come to realise that it was the disease that caught her and she didn't have the will to fight it. When she died I was already a drunk and her death was met with the usual binge but for a different reason. If it were to happen today, I can't honestly say that I wouldn't take a drink. Maybe it would be too good an opportunity to let pass, who knows??
I've never taken drugs, except for one joint when I was very drunk which I didn't like. I've never seen cocaine or heroine or any of the little tablets that kids take nowadays even though people I know take them regularly and they are readily available. My daughter is a regular 'smoker' and my son came home late one night earlier this year in bits because of a cocaine thing that he has been going through for a few years. I never knew or guessed. I really have no idea about these things and I'm glad I don't but that doesn't stop me feeling for anyone caught in the grip af an addiction because I am one of those people.
You're a good friend Starty and have helped me find my bearings and on more than one occasion and I thank you again for that.
I just wish I was more use to you.
Thinking of you too AFM.

Pops, thank you for sharing this.
I think that whatever habit we pick up whether it be alc, drugs, or behaviours they are all eaually difficult to get to grips with. At the end of the day we are all taking or doing these things to suppress or enhance some feeling within. We are just not satisfied with how we are.
You ARE a great help to me. Your insight, inspiration and determination always blows me away and the way you pick yourself up from from any downers.
So for that, I thank YOU :l

[Captainjack]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

I don't know what to say i thought id come back for a bit and post in the long termer's thread as thanks to you and others i am one now 13 months AL free....Starty its been so long you are and always have been a big part of my recovery ...in some ways I can never thank you enough ...too see you hurting breaks my heart but to know you and you're sweet honesty is still present fills me with joy I love you dearly girl
cap

[mollyka]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Starty, I've been missing for a few days so only read this this morning. My heart goes out to you - what you went thro, and your courage and honesty talking about it here. My mum died 2 years ago, and a lot of the time it is not even just the sickness and death of the loved one, in my case it was also like a previous poster said 'dealing with toxic siblings', and I just fell into a bottle. The only reason I 'only' fell into a bottle was because there was nothing else there to take. I so understand what you went thro, and I also understand the importance of what you are saying ............once an addict etc.
You are a true inspiration, and I also thank you for sharing this with us - it is so important that we all realise that even the apparently strongest people in our community are vulnerable. I hope all is ok with you now - the grief does go on for a while, be gentle with yourself, I still have days that the tears pour down my face out of the blue. Thinking of you and thank you
Molly:l:l

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Cap!!
Now this is truly heartwarming. I often wondered what happened to you. And now I know. Absolutely delighted to hear your news and thank you so much for posting.
Miss you Cap xxx

[startingover]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

Thank you Molly for your compassion and understanding. Those damn tears eh?

[Marshy]

Startingover's fall from grace.....

So sorry to hear about your mum. I totally understand your reaction to it - I'm an addict too.

Can I suggest if you're not doing it already that you look into bereavement counselling? I know several people who it's really helped.

Best wishes.