Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

[breaking_the_cycle]

During the heavy-drinking periods in my past I notice that I would then end up with really, really toxic abusive boyfriends and that even the friends I'd hang around with were kind of off-kilter too. Strangely enough one of my ex-boyfriends from a time four years ago when I was a rampant drinker has just got in touch. I was completely shocked at the negativity of not only his emails but also where his life is at. I noticed he's got a blog up on the internet where he is posting about how shit his life is, how he wants to kill himself, how he is cheating on his current girlfriend etc. He is a really awful person. When I dated him he was openly abusive and even tried to hit me. At one point I was in hospital with a kidney infection and I needed him to come collect me when I was discharged. He refused to come because there was something on TV he didn't want to miss. Being in hospital I did not have cash or my purse with me so I wound up having to walk 2 miles home in heavy rain. When I told him I was disappointed he just grabbed some beers and told me if I didn't shut up he was going to go out to a bar and "f*ck some other chick." I dealt with his abusive behaviour by drinking and pretending it wasn't really happening....

Now that I am sober I am looking back at these toxic relationships and I feel sick and ashamed I sunk so low but also happy that I will never sink so low again! I will never let this happen again!:yay::agreed:

[Chillgirl]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

BTC - AL destroys our self worth along with all the positive energy we have. Not until we are sober do we see the world without that Alcoholic veil over our eyes and life is suddenly much clearer and in focus for the 1st time. Just be grateful that's all behind you, with your new found freedom you will start to attract good into your life and positive people.

[one2many]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

I think when we are drinking we are so full of shame that we don't think we deserve any better.
Alcoholics have no self love and if you don't love yourself, nobody else will.So we put up with crap because thats what we think we deserve...

When the fog lifts, we realise.."Hey, I aint so bad after all and our tolerance for the bad shite shifts...and we realise that we are worth so much more than we ever thought possible.

You are embarking on this wonderful discovery BTC and I couldn't be happier for you xx

[byebyebridgetjones]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Completely agree.
Alcohol pulls the wool over our eyes about the people around us. All we see is another opportunity to drink, not what and who is best for us.
Most of these folk are also enablers, and don't react well when we say that we don't want to drink. They usually have serious substance issues of their own.
There is usually a large aspect of control and manipulation to their personalities.
I ended a friendship with one such person a few years back. Of course it was in an alcohol fueled conflict. How appropriate.
I've never looked back.
Interestingly this woman was the one who continued to contact me, for years afterwards.
This confirmed what I already knew. That she was deeply invested in the toxic dynamics of our friendship, and was 'benefitting' enormously in a convoluted sort of a way.
'Cleaning up' has immeasurable benefits, one of which is seeing the folk around you for what they really are, and beginning to act in a way that serves yourself. Even if that means removing them from your life.

[Doggygirl]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Working on becoming a person I can love and respect is a HUGE part of recovery for me. And as the others have said, believing that I deserve good treatment and a good life - I haven't always been there.

They say we stop growing and developing emotionally when we start drinking. (whoever "they" are :H) I think that was pretty true for me. So I started this sober journey as an 18 year old emotionally. (maybe younger) Things are getting better. They can for you too.

DG

[Doggygirl]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

"Don't be a victim of my own drama." I really REALLY like that. I'm stealing that one.

DG

[techie]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Zenstyle;1003151 wrote: Yep... we're emotionally stunted. And that's a hard thing to take on board when you're used to being in control and giving directions.

So... I'm about 15 I guess! Ho hum... Makes for an exciting life now that I want to grow up...

I'm 48 so no spring chicken (although I will qualify that statement till me deathbed with the rider that I look 38 heh heh). But the point is that we only have one shot at it and how you spend it is entirely up to you. You can be a victim of your own drama or you can choose to be free and take the high road.

Aspiring to take the high road... that's whats made famous people famous. Being mundane is really blah... so I reckon we should go for it. Laying off the booze gives us wiggle room and clarity to move ahead... daunting task maybe but I think it's well worth the effort...

Excellent!

[Doggygirl]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

I hope you will write more material for me! :H:H

[Hypernova]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Great thread and badly needed by me tonight. I am very dark. Wish I had seen it before my last post. I will read and re-read this post for the wisdom it contains as it surely applies to me. Guess this is just part of the process and now being just shy of 2 wks. AF/ feelings I don't like are beginning to set in. Funny this thread seemed to appear just when I was in need of it. Thanks to all for posting.

[Doggygirl]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Just know that you are not alone Hypernova. Most of us drank to numb out and escape ourselves on some level. Facing the things we used to run from can feel daunting at times. But the healing, and the chance to live today in a better way is just fabulous. I'm so grateful that when I finally knew I wanted the madness of my drinking to end, there were people here who had been through it, and who encouraged me to do the same. Lots of us are here to pay it forward and encourage you to face your fears and come out the other side a stronger, better, happier person.

DG

[mollyka]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Like Oney says, when drinking our self - esteem is rock bottom. I allowed my sisters to make my life absolutely miserable for years and years - in hindsight they bullied me relentlessly, but when I was drinking, I presumed they were right and that I must be the most appalling person and sort of 'deserved' the treatment they ladled out. Even thro a drunken haze I wouldn't allow them bully my Mum tho and for that I am glad. Now sober I literally scratch my head and cannot believe I allowed their toxicity into my life - and my hubs and childrens life. I with a happy glad heart have cast them out of my life - no doubts about it being a drunken decision - IT FEELS BRILLIANT!!!!
Molly

[lil.michelle]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Oh i completely agree. After becoming sober a few years ago (with relapses) i too realise that i had to get rid of my best friend/ex boyfriend as he was the main reason i drunk. I felt i couldn't live without him as we've been close for 15 years but he is and always was abusive and horrible towards me, telling me he was going to slit his wrist when i was pregnant and i'd have to live with the guilt as it's my fault he'd done it (that was one of the nicer things he said and done) I was like a sponge and sucked up HIS depression, HIS problems... Since getting him away i've managed to stay(ish) sober and HAPPY,living a happy wonderful life with my hubby and children. He keeps coming back and trying to be friends but he honestly can't help being horribleandabusive (thank god in a way) so within minutes we're fighinh and i shut that door again. When he comesback i always want to pick up that drink but not this time, i've managed not to for the last few days and told him to stay away. I know he'll be back but until then, ican continue to grow stronger.
AL just ruins us, our lives, our personalitys an our mental mind.

[mario]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

Good post and i agree,when i was drinking i found myself being with people who were just like me,it was easier to justify my drinking when i was surrounded by people who main stay in life was bars,very very sad way to live.

[spuddleduck]

Drinking and toxic people - a connection?

great post ringing so true. feeling that 'the shit' is all we deserve as we must be such awful people. a common theme i think. so true for me. even just a short time sober made me feel so much better in myself and would no way allow any crap from other people make me feel less worthy. since a few recent binges ive found those feelings slipping back.... no no no.... more sober time=more self worth

[bwendo]

I know I would really accept pretty much any crap just to have another body to drink alongside - that's why being sober and working really hard on myself, I can see through the toxic relationships and really see who is there for growth and who is there for the drama of victimhood.

Just this week we confronted a toxic friendship from our drinking days and re-established some boundaries. It is so empowering to be able to tdo this without a hangover or without apologising for the night before.