Having a crap day and feeling :upset:
I'm one of the many who was using booze as self-medication. I've got horrendous PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. I'm also now noticing that I feel a lot of anger about what was done to me. When I was drunk I didn't feel angry at all, life seemed something to enjoy and I laughed a lot. Now I'm sober I'm having to face the realities. I'm in my 30s but I've never had a proper romantic relationship, never lived with a man etc because I am afraid of sex because it brings back memories of the childhood horrors. I will probably never marry or have a relationship now. To add insult to injury my bitch of a mother (she who used to invite pedophiles round to rape me when I was little more than a toddler) is UNREPENTANT! She's not in the slightest bit apologetic for what she did. She has a go at me for not just forgetting about it all. "The past is the past," she says. But I have nightmares about the abuse nearly every night.
I saw a therapist who is supposed to be an expert with child abuse for two years. I stopped seeing her about three weeks ago. I stopped seeing her because she's not very nice. I even tried to get her to help me with stopping drinking and she said, "four bottles of wine a week's not serious. It's not going to do you any harm." She also insisted on saying to me, repeatedly, "your mother SET YOU UP TO HAVE SEX WITH MEN when you were a little girl." I corrected her and pointed out that a three year old girl cannot and does not HAVE SEX - it is rape. I told her to stop saying it but each time she forgets. I am supposed to see her every week. For the past 3 weeks I have simply not turned up. She has not contacted me to see why I'm not going. For all she knows I could be dead.
Also her usual fee is about ?45 per week. Because I was unable to work full-time due to the PTSD, she was letting me pay a concessionary rate of ?25 per week. However, she took every opportunity to remind me how wonderful of her it is to help me out and let me pay such a low fee. She also frequently lamented the fact that so many of her clients are in no fit state to work and therefore are not paying her the money she feels she deserves. She also told me that she could not live in the smart house she lives in if it was not for her wealthy businessman husband. She is frustrated that being a psychotherapist doesn't pay a higher salary. This is the sort of shit we'd talk about during my sessions with her: - her disappointment re her salary, her many physical issues etc etc. If I dared to complain she would refuse to apologize and would become fairly defensive. Also I am scared of men and some times she'd let her husband open the door when I arrived for my appointment - he's a huge man and I was startled and felt afraid. She knows I feel afraid of men. After my sessions with her I would immediately go buy a bottle of wine and drink the whole bottle immediately.
I'm one of the many who was using booze as self-medication. I've got horrendous PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. I'm also now noticing that I feel a lot of anger about what was done to me. When I was drunk I didn't feel angry at all, life seemed something to enjoy and I laughed a lot. Now I'm sober I'm having to face the realities. I'm in my 30s but I've never had a proper romantic relationship, never lived with a man etc because I am afraid of sex because it brings back memories of the childhood horrors. I will probably never marry or have a relationship now. To add insult to injury my bitch of a mother (she who used to invite pedophiles round to rape me when I was little more than a toddler) is UNREPENTANT! She's not in the slightest bit apologetic for what she did. She has a go at me for not just forgetting about it all. "The past is the past," she says. But I have nightmares about the abuse nearly every night.
I saw a therapist who is supposed to be an expert with child abuse for two years. I stopped seeing her about three weeks ago. I stopped seeing her because she's not very nice. I even tried to get her to help me with stopping drinking and she said, "four bottles of wine a week's not serious. It's not going to do you any harm." She also insisted on saying to me, repeatedly, "your mother SET YOU UP TO HAVE SEX WITH MEN when you were a little girl." I corrected her and pointed out that a three year old girl cannot and does not HAVE SEX - it is rape. I told her to stop saying it but each time she forgets. I am supposed to see her every week. For the past 3 weeks I have simply not turned up. She has not contacted me to see why I'm not going. For all she knows I could be dead.
Also her usual fee is about ?45 per week. Because I was unable to work full-time due to the PTSD, she was letting me pay a concessionary rate of ?25 per week. However, she took every opportunity to remind me how wonderful of her it is to help me out and let me pay such a low fee. She also frequently lamented the fact that so many of her clients are in no fit state to work and therefore are not paying her the money she feels she deserves. She also told me that she could not live in the smart house she lives in if it was not for her wealthy businessman husband. She is frustrated that being a psychotherapist doesn't pay a higher salary. This is the sort of shit we'd talk about during my sessions with her: - her disappointment re her salary, her many physical issues etc etc. If I dared to complain she would refuse to apologize and would become fairly defensive. Also I am scared of men and some times she'd let her husband open the door when I arrived for my appointment - he's a huge man and I was startled and felt afraid. She knows I feel afraid of men. After my sessions with her I would immediately go buy a bottle of wine and drink the whole bottle immediately.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake,
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