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[Dewdrop]

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K9 sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment, but it's only the moment and you will get past this just remember 'this too shall pass'. I say that a lot to myself these days. We are on a journey and the path isn't always smooth and no one can take away the 229 AF days - jesus that's a lot of time sober and a lot of determination each and every one of those 229 days. Get back on the horse and take the friggin pill :l

Dewdrop :h

[K9Lover]

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Gosh...just thinking about what led up to Monday night. Nothing in particular, but I did "Google" how many Ounces are in a 750ml bottle of rum. Found out it was about 26. Then I thought "Hmmm, one bottle could last me 3 days, I'll just measure". Even spreading it over 3 days would be about 8 shots...damn, that's a lot! Well, as it turns out, I went way beyond my "allotted" 8 shots! When I woke up Tuesday morning there were about (maybe) 6 shots left. As I cringed and held my head, I could NOT believe I did that. I had to call in sick because I felt SOOO bad, and I had my sister take my daughter to school because I'm sure I was still technically drunk!!!
I spent yesterday recovering (by sleeping ALL day). What a waste of money and time.
I guess I just wanted to get all the details down so I can look at this when I need to....I never want to forget the truth of what happens.

[Meech]

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K9 - I am glad you are back on the antabuse and will focus on a full year AF. You are incredibly brave and own up to your ups and downs. You are honest and I think you are full of integrity. And we are human, let's not forget. Humans who have an alcohol addiction. But we are fighting this instead of letting it swallow us whole.

You will beat this. How many long term absteiners have never had a bump in the road? Probably none. You are making the effort to get the antabuse again and you keep fighting.

:l

[Guest]

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K9Lover;1005769 wrote: Gosh...just thinking about what led up to Monday night. Nothing in particular, but I did "Google" how many Ounces are in a 750ml bottle of rum. Found out it was about 26. Then I thought "Hmmm, one bottle could last me 3 days, I'll just measure". Even spreading it over 3 days would be about 8 shots...damn, that's a lot! Well, as it turns out, I went way beyond my "allotted" 8 shots! When I woke up Tuesday morning there were about (maybe) 6 shots left. As I cringed and held my head, I could NOT believe I did that. I had to call in sick because I felt SOOO bad, and I had my sister take my daughter to school because I'm sure I was still technically drunk!!!
I spent yesterday recovering (by sleeping ALL day). What a waste of money and time.
I guess I just wanted to get all the details down so I can look at this when I need to....I never want to forget the truth of what happens.

I read this and cringed..omg, why do we do it to ourselves. Its so good to see out, black and white, I never want to go back to that and neither do you. Only today I was looking at candles that were in the shape of wine glasses and wine bottles and I thought how the jeeze can I even think of getting through christmas without a drink , im really hoping I will and Im hoping you will . Wouldnt it be divine to have a cringe free christmas.
You are a great mum, I admire you alot. I read recently you really wanted to foster a relationship between your daughter and God, it made me think. I want that too for my kids, a relationship with God and all thats good. Giving up drinking is a large part of that, thank you for your honesty in posting that and this.
Im rambling , but K9, good luck! You are a great mum and a great person xx

[Wagoneer]

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Aw K9 I am so sorry for your struggles. Freakin BEAST AL IS!!! I know that if I decided to start back drinking - even once, it would end up worse. Everytime I have tried to cut back on my wine, I end up drinking much more than I planned. I am not a moderator now, and most likely will never be and that kind of makes me sad in a way. I certaily loved relazing wth a glass but I know what that leads to for me... But not sad enough to drink again. It IS hard. I am glad you got the antabuse again. Not only for you but for your daughter. I am AL free for me, but mostly for my kids. God, how I love them.

Anyway, good luck to you friend. Just remember how shitty and low you felt a day or so ago - you really don't want to go through THAT again, do you? NO WAY JOSE!!

Take care. Love Kat

[spuddleduck]

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keep on trying k9. ive been struggling myself lately and know exactly how you feel. keep with the antabuse, it was working for you. i too felt worried about coming here and feeling rubbish....its all part of this horrible cycle.... WE CAN DO THIS K9

[momof3]

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Hang in there K9.

I am happy that you are writing you experiences down. I still vividly remember the very last time I relapsed. It was only for 1 night but once I started, I could not stop. It was if someone/something else took over. It was very scary.

Curious to know if you have a revised plan other than the antabuse. It's your choice and your business of course but you may want to consider that something in your current plan ain't working. Don't get me wrong, I think the antabuse is an excellent external deterent. But, there may be some internal shifts you may want to make as well. I remember that the first few AF months were tough. I felt deprived because I couldn't drink. Looking back, I now realize that I was grieving. Even though alcohol was not doing me one ounce of good, it was still an old (but rotten) friend that I had for a long time and had to let go.

All the best,
M3

[sapphire1]

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K9Lover;1005691 wrote: Thanks Mama.
I know others have their opinions on how to "count"...but the fact is, I still have 229 AF days in the year 2010. Maybe that's what will bother people.
All I know is I'm sticking to the Antabuse from now on, until I get a WHOLE YEAR AF!
Love ya Mama :h

K9 there is a saying that I live my life by and it takes away a lot of mental anguish, shame and worry : WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The reality is that if we continually guage oursleves by the yardsticks of others, we are doomed to misery. This is your life, your challenges, only you know how much effort you are putting in!!! You will never ever ever live up to the expectations of everyone, so rationally it makes sense to stop trying. It is a natural human condition to judge others (that doesnt necessarily make it o.k.). It can be seen as a defect of character that needs to be worked on and seen for what it is - (judgment of others comes from the ego trying to become more personally powerful).....if we see someone else as less than, the ego strengthens. It doesnt bring power to the judger, it makes them less empathic, less compassionate; so they lose. You look yourself in the mirror right now and say out loud...I am a worthy person; I am powerful; I am conpetent; I am, I am .............I am me and thats just fine!!!!!! love and grace Saff xx

[sapphire1]

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spuddleduck;1005898 wrote: keep on trying k9. ive been struggling myself lately and know exactly how you feel. keep with the antabuse, it was working for you. i too felt worried about coming here and feeling rubbish....its all part of this horrible cycle.... WE CAN DO THIS K9

Spuddleduck please read the post I sent to K9 and apply it to yourself, Love and grace Saffxx

[Ringing Cedars]

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Niner~~just know that I wish you well and I hope you find the answers and tools you need on your journey.:l

Another great post from Saffy.

[Mish]

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We're family here, K9. So you and I are sisters.
I don't know you personally, I don't know your experiences in life, I don't know your situation and I don't know your vulnerabilities or your fragilities overall, let alone from one minute to the next. That being the case I have absolutely no right to pass judgement on you (or anyone else). It simply is not my job. As a sister in this family I have a responsibility to support and encourage you, to understand you are hurting and to offer comfort and love. Having the same vulnerability to Al I can also offer you empathy. All of these I hold out to you in an abundance.
PM me any time and I will send you my email and other details so we can chat one day. It would give me great encouragement also.
I believe that God sees our weaknesses, but what he focuses on is the good, and that includes our desire and effort to overcome these so we can live in harmony with his will. That being the case, I am certain he sees in you a brave young woman fighting a powerful disease to please him, your family and very much so, your daughter. If he looks at things that way, who cares what anyone else thinks?
You go girl! You're golden in my eyes. :l:l:l:l:l
Love you

[fighting back]

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Incredibly honest and humbling post K9, I have lurked here for a while and always admired your posts.

I am a relative newbie, managed six days AL free and then fell off the wagon, I know how good it feels to be sober and how bad it feels to wake up like you did.

I have to put a positive spin on it because that's who I am and what motivates me. I had six AL free days, and I let the demon in, just one night, but it was a lesson for me.

You had so much more AL free time than I could even imagine. This is a journey and a learning curve as far as I can see. You can't set your expectations too high. I really haven't ventured much out of the Newbies Nest because I feel sometimes (and I love a LOT of the threads on here, they are so inspirational!) but I feel sometimes that people demand that I have a plan, that I commit to being AL free for a set amount of time, when all the time my heart is crying out, jaysus, isn't today enough?

Isn't the weekend enough? Isn't it enough that I have an AL free weekend for the first time in ten years?

I haven't even admitted to myself or anyone else that I mght be an alky, I MIGHT be, I don't know. All I know is I drink too much and I'm trying to do something about it.

This site to me is like a double edged sword sometimes; the support, the encouragement and the success stories are a wonderful inspiration, but I think we have to acknowledge that we are all individuals trying, and at different stages (baby steps for me right now!)


Don't deny yourself all those months of success for one night of failure, you are still building Your Way Out, as am I and everyone else on here. Learn, grow, adapt. And thank you again for being so honest and sharing your experience.:h

[Doggygirl]

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K9, I'm so glad you are here and working it. This isn't easy. I can relate to how you describe the slippery slope to the decision to drink the rum. I used to do a lot of rationalizing like that. Calculating things out to convince myself that my plan was "normal" or "moderate." Then pouring it all down the hatch the minute I got it home. Insanity indeed.

Antabuse helped before so I imagine it can help again. I like M3's suggestion to maybe look a bit deeper inside in addition to the AB.

Strength and hope to you!

DG

[Popeye]

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Hi K9,

You're not a fraud. You're struggling, as most of us here do from time to time.
Antabuse, for me, was a chance to get my head together and sample life without drinking. I used to set an alarm that would go off the same time every day and religiously take my tablet. It was nine months before I was confident enough that I could come off them and continue without drinking. There was so much in-grained habit and alcoholic ways of thinking that needed addressed and altered before I could try and go it alone.
Just keep fighting.
It'll come if you give it a chance.

[K9Lover]

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Thank you for all of the heartfelt replies. I am feeling SOO much better today, physically AND mentally. I took my Antabuse first thing this morning. I'm committing myself to a full year of it, and I hope in that time my drinking thinking will be less. I still find myself jumping at the chance of a drinking "opportunity"....day off work, daughter at her dads. It would be nice to not have that even come up....but I guess that's what we're all working on right?
Again, thank you all for your support!!
:h