Relapse

[BradyKelly]

Yes, I have relapsed. For the first time actually - when I went AF before, it was "just a month and I can get shitfaced again", but my last time was "just a month then I can moderate".

It started out OK, a few beers once or twice a week, but last Wednesday I threw myself into a week long bender. Being unemployed I cant afford my anxiety meds, so withdrawals come quickly and come hard, and until tomorrow, my only recourse is an early morning glass of wine, after lying awake wracked with anxiety for a few hours.

Yesterday morning I didn't have to endure the full wait; I woke at 6:30 into straight terror. The half hour wait for the Spar to open so I could buy a bottle of wine was intense. Today I woke at 3am, but having drunk much less, the wait was more bearable. I arose at 4am and passed the wait working/seeking work online. It's now 7:45, and my first glass of wine is working its magic. I might even get a good nap before the bottle is finished.

Tomorrow I visit the doc for some tranqs to help with stopping again until the booze season is over. I've decided to move to Cape Town, where I will have much more to do in contact with more friends. I'm sure that and some willpower will make my second attempt at moderation easier.

[startingover]

Relapse

Hello Brady

Just wanted to send you some good wishes this morning.
Really hoping you find your way soon.....

[mollyka]

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Hi Brady - sorry you've had a tough time. Why don't you go into your next 30 days with an open mind re. whether you moderate or abstain afterwards? Just an idea
Molly

[BradyKelly]

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Thanks - I still plan on keeping an open mind, abstaining until new year, then trying mod again. That will keep me out of harms way until a bright new year, then, if I have another short binge, to still stop again.

[mollyka]

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It's a good idea to get Christmas out of the way alright! Just know that my first couple of attempts at getting sober - I now know that in the back of my head I always 'planned' being able to have a 'few swift binges' here and there - I was never a 'just one' sort of person. But I found that getting back on the wagon each time got more and more difficult - nigh on impossible by the last time, knowing that another day's drinking would cause havoc in my life, but doing it anyway - it just kept getting trickier. Anyway Brady, we are all different creatures, I just wanted to relate my experience - not in anyway to be judgemental or anything.
Molly

[Mish]

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BradyKelly;1006790 wrote: Thanks - I still plan on keeping an open mind, abstaining until new year, then trying mod again. That will keep me out of harm's way until a bright new year, then, if I have another short binge, to still stop again.

Brady, I am so sorry you had this relapse. Molly's advice, like that which I am about to offer, comes from genuine concern and is the voice of experience, both of us having used your exact line of thinking. How do I know this, having never met Molly? Because this is the exact kind of talk our alkie brains use to keep us from accepting that we need to completely abstain from the toxic substance, alcohol. It's terrifying to think we will never have that buzz ever again, so we say things like "abstaining until new year." You even acknowledge that once you try to mod you will place yourself back in harm's way. By saying "if" you have another short binge, you are setting yourself up for it.
Brady, you're still young enough to not completely screw up your life with alcohol, and you're armed with a great deal of information, insight, experience, support, understanding, support and love at MWO.
From my :h, I sincerely hope you won't let go of this.
I had to stick my hand in the fire a lot of times before I got the message that it was going to be hot every time...I wasn't ready to stop hurting myself yet. Maybe that's where you are still. I hope you are one of the lucky ones who can moderate, but if you're not (and only you can know that for sure), make the connection quickly and deal with it accordingly.
I highly recommend you read Coochie's thread on why it takes a long time to start feeling well after a period of abstinance (and why I kept slipping back into relapse time and time again).
Love and best wishes.

[Choochie]

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Brady, willpower is not what you need and in fact will undermine your sobriety. IMHO one's opinion about alcohol has to change before they can overcome the desire to drink. The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Allen Carr helped me make this mental switch. I wish you would consider reading it -- otherwise you're always going to feel like you're giving something up by not drinking. This book made me realize that I'm giving absolutely nothing up by not putting poison into my body (ethanol is poison). It also will help you understand the ramifications of moderating and getting on and off the roller coaster of stopping and starting drinking. It's up to you, of course. No one can make you want to quit permanently. But, all knowledge is good. Since you're playing with your brain chemistry it can't hurt to know what you're doing to yourself before you decide to do it.

Sending you peace and strength,
Choochie

[dlw]

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Brady, look at today as a new beginning. Its a one day at a time thing! We have all had our ups and downs battling the demons of AL. I wish I can say that the demons will go away someday, they don't - so keep close to MWO as I do. we are all in this together!

[Guest]

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Getting Christmas out of the way.

Did you know that March/April (Easter) is the peak time for treatment and rehab admissions?

Why?

Because we those with drink problems get through Christmas without getting drunk, or drinking at all then all hell breaks loose as we breath a sigh of relief saying "I'm ok now I can relax a little ,or "Well done for getting through New Year"..............have a nice couple of beers.

I had to see it in others before I recognised it in myself. Quite often the last week in December I don't drink at all, or certainly not on Christmas day itself but come February I'm in the middle of a huge bender(last couple of years one that's lasted best part of 1 month to 6 weeks).

So be aware and be careful.

[BradyKelly]

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Mishmash;1006993 wrote:
From my :h, I sincerely hope you won't let go of this.

Thanks for your words, Mish. I'm definitely not letting go. This sounds like the junkie I am, but next time I try modding, I will keep some standby xanax. That way if I do slip, I won'tneed a drink the next morning.