Fitting in

[mollyka]

Fitting in

Xposted Saffy, reckon I just repeated your post
Molly

[Mish]

Fitting in

Fighting, your post is a reminder that no-one knows where we are in our journey, nor do they know how far we might have come to be exactly where we are just now. Nor how fragile or how vulnerable at this one moment in time, even if we were strong and confident yesterday or even two minutes ago.
That being the case, how dangerous is it to be judgemental about where someone else is if they don't fit into our idea of where they should be, how they should be making use of this forum or how others should react to them and their posts?
It's bad enough feeling worthless because a world that doesn't understand our addiction and pain judges us, but when we are made to feel our cries for even a listening ear are under the microscope and being examined and judged by those who ought to be more compassionate (even if they don't agree with us on a personal level), well, that's enough to make anyone want to back away.
I don't feel I have the right to judge anyone. Sure, there are behaviours I dislike, but I hope I have learned enough to reach out with compassion and empathy to anyone who is suffering.
Sorry for the rant, but this gets to me every time. Nobody's opinion is more important than your sobriety, so just keep posting what you need to write whenever you need to. Despite the forum 'politics' we all care and want to help.
And maybe you aren't where others are in your recovery...maybe you're in front of them
in the empathy and compassion stakes. :h:h:h:h:h

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Fitting in

fighting back;1007287 wrote: If we are such a strong community,we are a realy strong community, why do I feel inhibited? I want to get sober, or maintain eventually, so why do I feel so scared about pressing the 'submit' button.

I want help, not a lecture. And I am sorry, but I have to tell you, I said it before,this forum is a double-edged sword. You long termers are wonderful, your advice, experience and support is invaluable for us just starting out. But the pressure can be immense. Baby steps, please.

I don't know if I will ever fit in, I hope I do. Well done to all of you :l

Hi Fighting back, firstly thank you and well done on sharing your story.
MWO is no different from any other gathering of people in real life. We get all sorts here with widely different views and opinions, not everyone is going to get on, thats just life. What brings us together however is a common problem and a common quest. Even within that you are going to get huge differences in peoples history in their styles of drinking, amounts drunk, behaviour changes when drunk and peoples own perception of how bad a problem they have/had and more importantly what is behind the abusive relationship with AL.
You say you don't know if you will ever fit in, well isnt that just typical of what AL abuse does to us? It erodes our self confidence and feelings of self worth, it makes us feel like failures when we get stuck on the roller coaster ride of stop/start drinking and trying to keep sober, as I guess a lot of us have tried before we went off into cyberland to try and seek outside help.
So I would say you fit in here just fine right now, post wherever you feel comfortable and you will start to build relationships here with people who really do get it. I do know that wherever you post you will be made most welcome. Thats the nature of this place, there is so much support, help and advice freely given it renews my faith in human nature on a regular basis. I do hope you find some where you feel comfortable and find your way out.
Keep safe
KTAB

[Mish]

Fitting in

Fighting, Ruby is an absolute treasure. Please know she would never judge anyone, if that is what you thought...she is just about as sweet and generous a soul here as anyone could hope to find.

[fighting back]

Fitting in

Thank you very much to each and every one of you for your responses. Too many to respond to individually but all saying the same thing. I know I am going to need this place more and more as the days clock up; it has helped me immensely already, especially people like choochie, madmans, and hillsidetime on the 'Nest' thread.

I re-read your post ruby and I DO get it now, sorry I didn't understand at first I guess I was feeling a little defensive.

Each and every one of your posts has helped, so thank you all. I guess the gist of it all is as wally said 'take what you need and leave the rest'

Nothing is more important to me right now than getting through ODAT, some days are easier tham others and I have to say I typed the original post when I was at a low point, thinking about getting through another weekend AL free and struggling with it.

I know each and every one of you want me to achieve my goal, or you wouldn't have taken the time to post, would you?

So thank you all again (I got that story about my Dad with the hammer of my chest, I have never told anyone but my OH that story!) I really hope and pray that I can emulate the success and the sheer courage of a lot of people here in dealing with thier AL issues.

All I can say for now is, I will not drink today, no matter what.

Peace to all xxxx

[gyco]

Fitting in

icecream

fighting back;1007287 wrote: To cut a long story short, have been lurking, drinking again, lurking again......stayed AL free for six days, blew it on the seventh and in spite of that slip I have clocked up almost two weeks AL free.

I need a hand. I don't suffer terrible withdrawals, have never had a DUI, I am the classic, high functioning...........person who relies too much on drink to help her through stressful times. Am I am alcoholic? My Dad thought he was, yet when he got to the age I am now, he never drank again.

He said that when he was growing up, there was nothing else. You drank, you were sober for a while, and then you drank again when it all became too much. My Dad was a real family man, and me being the youngest, I was his favourite, yet when I was twelve years old I grappled with him, trying to stop him breaking into the gas meter with a hammer to get money for drink. I had beautiful teeth; he smashed one of my front teeth with the hammer, broke it in half. He was very remorseful when he sobered up, offered to take me to the dentist and get it fixed, I made him wait five years before I got that tooth fixed. I wanted him to see it everytime I smiled, every time I opened my mouth.

He was two people. When he was sober he was loving, supportive, hard working, yet when he was drunk he didn't give a damn about anything but getting his next drink.

My Dad got to fifty years old, despite drinking heavily since his early teens, he transformed his life.

I am not in any way comparing myself to him. My dependency is well controlled, I drink, I work, I function.

But do you know what? I witnessed first hand what a gift sobriety can be to a person like my Dad, for the last twenty years of his life he was a wonderful support, the strong father figure he always wanted to be and was capable of being.

I don't want to throw the better half of my life away. I want to kick the poison completely, absolutely and totally. I want to be like my Dad and live what's left appreciating everything, letting the old regrets go, and savouring each wonderful day at a time. That's why I am here.

I need to hear postitive, reinforcing messages, but I have to say, the politics of this place make me nervous. Aren't we all trying to achieve a mastery of our addictions and aren't we all at different levels of addiction? And perhaps, just perhaps, some of us aren't even addicts but have strong, underlying issues that we need to address? Abstainers v Moderators, what is your plan, etc etc.............well, I am sorry, but if you think back, your plan is to get through today and then, tomorrow, if you are lucky.

If we are such a strong community,we are a realy strong community, why do I feel inhibited? I want to get sober, or maintain eventually, so why do I feel so scared about pressing the 'submit' button.

I want help, not a lecture. And I am sorry, but I have to tell you, I said it before,this forum is a double-edged sword. You long termers are wonderful, your advice, experience and support is invaluable for us just starting out. But the pressure can be immense. Baby steps, please.

I don't know if I will ever fit in, I hope I do. Well done to all of you :l

hi fighting,:welcome:your story is not much different then the rest of us,ive been here for a few years,i dont beleive we try to cut people down,as now im int o disecting what people write,i couldnt disect yours much and its not that i want to,in ealrly sobriety we tend to do the wo is me thing and are stories are incredibly long,after years of sobriety and tries at moderation,ive lerned a personhas to make life simple as can be,specially our kind,we drownedourselves inour own misery and blame it on everyone else,for xample your father said everyone drank,and yet he hit you with a hammer,does everyone hit there kid with a hammer,you hav a good grasp on your addiction,:goodjob:this is a great site,there are other alternatives,try AA,most dont try it,and still critsise it,but theyve never been there, ? rehab is another,psychiatric hospitals,youve answered your own Question,you havent gotten to the place some of us have been at, Y ou dont want to either:thanks:gyco

[Choochie]

Fitting in

FB,

I really hope you'll stay on the site. I hear what you're saying about the dichotomy between people who believe there is only one way (being totally sober) and people trying to drink in a controlled way. To me moderating would be torture (and was for many years) - the constant battling with the schizophrenia in my brain - one part saying it wanted to drink, the other constantly trying to control the amount. But, that doesn't mean it's not achievable by others??

I think the reason the threads have attracted one or the other type of person (Affer/Abber vs Moderators) is normal. We like being with people trying to achieve what we're after because we get strength from their posts. HOWEVER, I think we also all benefit by talking to each other. So, I don't look at it as a political schism as much as people naturally drawn to others trying to achieve similar goals.

I think if you'll stay you'll find kind, loving, supportive people who generously give their time and advice. I personally KNOW I would not be sober now without this website. It sounds like you're headed for trying to stop completely. But, if you end up trying to moderate there are threads that are geared toward that.

I'm so glad you shared your story with us FB. I think opening up is a very positive thing to do and may be essential if we are to heal the issues that have contributed to our using alcohol to numb out our feelings.

Hang with us honey, it's all good!!

Choochie:l

[Popeye]

Fitting in

Hello Fighting Back.

Everyone has posted so eloqently and I can't add much but to wish you well.
Like Mollyka, I have to pause for a second before pressing the 'submit' button. Sometimes my turn of phrase isn't quite right and I have to change a word or two, just to avoid being misunderstood. I've been here a long time and have made some very good friends, but like real life, their will always be those who don't like me or what I have to say and aren't averse to letting me know.
Just be yourself. You seem like a lovely person with a lot to give us.

[momof3]

Fitting in

HI FB,

Welcome and thanks so much for posting your story. My dad was a heavy drinker/alcoholid. He quit on his own when he was in his 50s and went to his grave with 20 plus years sober.

I would echo what KTAB, Mollyka, Popeye etc have posted. Alcohol erodes our self-esteem and confidence. I know I was certainly full of shame and doubt when I was actively drinking. I think messages often get misinterpreted here because of this. We are feeling sensitive and badly about our drinking (because we are our own worse critics) and any type of response or advice, etc is interpreted from this frame of mind.. This creates a legend of sorts where people feel they can't post because they are afraid of being criticized. In actuality, I don't see much of that happening here. I do see people becoming more forthcoming with their advice when there is someone who has communicated a serious intention to quit drinking, they've had a good stretch of being AF, and then have a big relapse or a series of relapses (and our looking for help). I don't read many posts where people are critical of or making demands of moderators, newbies, etc.

For the most part, I see lots of kind, intelligent, and loving people here who are trying to find there way out of the misery of being ruled by alcohol in one form or the other. Some are hoping to moderate, some have reached the conclusion that they must abstain, some are ambivalent, and others are testing the waters. There are plenty of ongoing threads on this forum. Find a place (or places) where you feel comfortable and post away.

M3

[Samantha T.]

Fitting in

Hi, Fight
I, too, have been drinking, and I have been feeling the same despair as you. I am also high functioning, like you. For what it's worth, when I first started seeing my addiction therapist last year, she actually told me to keep drinking if that is what I felt I needed to do. She came highly recommended by someone in AA when I was attending AA, and he said "You can take her words to the bank. Trust her!" So when she told me that, I was curious (and pretty happy!) about what her plan was. She said in her 30 years of working w/ alcohol abusers, she could count on one hand the times she had told someone it was okay to keep drinking. She also said she didn't believe I was "an alcoholic"; and that people have varying degrees of relationship w/ alcohol and that there are a million different ways to get sober; that everyone's process is different.

This week she told me she thinks I have come to a place in my process where I am "in a position of power to make a decision on whether I want to keep drinking or not." I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to hear her say that I am "in a position of power" (versus what I was taught to believe in AA, that I was a "victim." When she told me to keep drinking if I wanted to, she knew eventually I would get to this point of despair and that the time would come to make this decision.She also has told me along the way that it is normal, when trying to quit, that we have a few days or weeks sober, followed by more drinking; that it is a normal part of the process of quitting.

I think it sounds like you are kind of where I am and your feelings are identical to mine. Have you read Allen Carr's book The Easy Way to Stop Drinking? If not, I highly recommend it. It casts a whole new light on what alcohol really is. It helped me take a more objective viewpoint of it and get my mind into a better place to want to quit for good. I am with you....I want to be done with it altogether. You have a great role model in your dad and I would keep your eyes on his lead Also remember that you are his flesh and blood, so if he had the capacity to get out from under it, you do, too. I am trying to do the same thing using my mom as a role model. She is not a lush like me but she has overcome great obstacles in her life.

I wish you all of the strength and determination that you need to keep FIGHTING BACK :thumbs:

[momof3]

Fitting in

Samantha,

Great post!! The quitting and relapsing has certainly been part of my journey to becoming AF. I hope it does not happen again but if it does, I will draw from my experiences of being AF to get back on the wagon.

My dad was a role model for me too.

M3

[fighting back]

Fitting in

Thanks everyone. Mom of 3, I always adored my Dad, but didn't really get to know the real 'him' till he stopped. When he did he was the most positive, happy and influential person in my life. He was my rock. He had 25 years AL free and died of cancer aged 75. His grandchildren never know him as a drinker and find the stories of his drinking days impossible to believe. What he achieved in his life was amazing considering the mad alkie he once was!

Samantha, have been AL free for the last twelve days, and my life is better in every way for it. I am a fitness freak (ironic for a drinker, I know!) and have had so much more energy, sleeping better, eating well and taking my supplements has helped. I love that phrase 'a position of power'. That is how I want to feel. It sounds so much better than being a 'victim'! I am still nervous about committing to long term sobriety, I fear letting myself down as I have in the past. But as I said in my OP, it's ODAT and baby steps for me right now. I can just about cope with that, but hoping to find as the AL free miles clock up I will finally let go of that fear.

I appreciate the thoughts and words of everyone who has posted here. I also appreciate the fact that each and every one of you has felt at some time the way I feel right now, and that you all have taken the time to share with me. Thank you all. xxxxxxxxxx

[Samantha T.]

Fitting in

FB - "fitness freak." Me too! I did a few triathlons awhile back (got injured so no more of that). My BF at the time got me into it. I was always secretly amused by the fact that after we would ride our bikes for 3 hours, we'd end up having Mexican food and margaritas :H

I also came to learn that a lot of Ironman triathletes are ex drinkers, druggies...who found a way out through fitness. I want to get back to that place.

12 days is FANTASTIC :goodjob: I know you can continue it!

[momof3]

Fitting in

Samantha and FB,

Exercise, particularly running, has been a huge factor in my ability to remain AF. One thing I did the first year was to sign up for races and have them as a goal/motivator to remain AF. Ran a 1/2 marathon and several 5 and 10 mile races my first year of being AF. I also do a "boot camp" in the morning and in the past year have added yoga to the mix. It helps quiet my busy mind and keeps me in the moment.

I was also into running and exercise prior to quitting. I recall training for a marathon and coming home after a long training run, soaking in the bathtub with a HUGE glass of wine (that was bottomless). Crazy, huh?

Keep up the good work!! Glad you're both here. Being in a position of power is key. I never have thought of myself as being a victim but I do know that I have "crossed the line" so to speak and have no control over my consumption of alcohol once I take that first drink.

I also considered myself a "high functioning" drunk. I never lost of job, got a DUI, etc. I think there are many of us out there. Most people think that a alcoholic or alcohol abuser is the drunk on the corner but in actuality, I think the great majority of us are "functioning."

PS FB. My dad was 75 when he died of cancer. When he was drinking, he was not a "mean drunk" but a quiet and withdrawn one. He remains my hero and inspiration. He quit drinking in his own quiet way with no demands for praise, etc. Just did it. Even when my mom died ten years prior to his diagnosis of cancer, he never touched a drop and I was afraid he would.

M3

[fighting back]

Fitting in

LMAO @ the margaritas Samantha! I am a runner first and foremost, there is nothing in this world like running outdoors in the early morning, it is a better high than AL even! (and I really used to resent AL when I felt too bad the next morning and couldn't do it!) But when I did, I would also 'reward' myself later on for being so fit and healthy with a huge glass of something!

Unfortunately, winter is upon us, and I fear that I won't be able to run much for a few months, but there is always the gym

Fitness, food analysis, and general health are very much a big part of our lives, hubby enjoys a glass of wine, but he can always stop at one. (He 'takes' it like he does a supplement, for the anti-oxidants, never gets drunk)

I wish I could. I don't know if I would ever be able to.

Triathlon is gruelling, I really admire you for being able to do it! :goodjob: