15 beer

[KatBlois]

15 beer on Wednesday night
brought on by anger, frustration, and hopelessness
stayed in bed all day, partly because I couldn?t function, woke up still drunk, partly because I was so depressed I had done it again. Didn?t have a drop last night, which I guess is a good thing, problem is if I don?t drink, the next time I do drink I over indulge.
I was doing so good there for a couple of weeks, starting feeling really positive, hopeful, then about a week ago, it started again, I don?t have any smiley faces on my calendar this week, I?m feeling very disillusioned with myself, and at times like this I wonder if my boys would be better off if I wasn?t a part of their lives, what kind of an example is a useless, dysfunctional Mom, I have been thinking that maybe I should go to the hospital, (not for the first time) but I wonder what good it will do in the long run, because I can?t seem to predict when I?m going to get into it again. You know, if it happened once a month, I could shake it off, and stay positive, keep on keeping on, but one bad night seems to lead to more. Maybe it?s stressors, I had to call 911 on my sister about a week and a half ago, she?s schizophrenic, and off her meds, she had me in her house and wouldn?t let me leave unless I listened to what her voices were saying, which I wont do, anyway, it was upsetting, but I really thought I was ok with it, my sister has been lost to me for a long time now, my husband picking a fight with me that night didn?t help but although that day would explain one night of drinking too much, it doesn?t explain the continued drinking. My Mom taking her anger and frustrations out on me only lasted a couple of days, I finally convinced her to call the support group instead of me, again, none of these things are out of the norm really, and I thought I was ok, but the drinking says different. The funny thing is that these things aren?t what got me going Wednesday, on Wednesday it was the everyday things that got me, my inability to focus on work that needs to be done, housework, and taking care of school stuff for the boys, I was overwhelmed, and as a result unable to do anything productive, and that made me frustrated, and angry at myself, and very, very, depressed?.Drinking just makes it worse, in my head I know that, so why do I keep doing it? And now I?m sitting here, thinking to myself ?I didn?t drink last night, what is going to happen tonight? Is it over for now? And if it isn?t how long is it going to last this time? My sisters son is coming for the weekend, and I just put his Mom in the hospital, and had to find a new home for her dog (his dog) , I am Not looking forward to this weekend at all.?

[YoungAtHeart]

15 beer

Hi Kat,

I don't want to sound like I'm saying it's okay to drink, but I do want to say that you don't recover from all these stressors in just a few days. Just the fact that you seem to describe them in a "business as usual" fashion says a lot about how much you have to deal with. Sometimes you can handle the big things okay, and then something relatively small will just be the last straw. I know that's been true with me, and sometimes, I really have to watch myself several days after something difficult, because that seems to be when I will cave in and drink.

I hope that you can get some more positive supports in your life that help you to take care of you when the sh*t hits the fan!

Take care, Kat!

Hugs,
Kathy:l

[bestlifeldms]

15 beer

Kat,

My therapist told me recently that it is very common to fall back into old drinking patterns in time of stress. Sounds to me like you are really SRESSED! Maybe that day it was the day-to-day things that got to you, but the underlying problem was probably the "biggies", like your sister. Not just stressful, but how sad that must be for you.

When I have something percolating in the back of my mind, I can be very fragmented and non-productive. When I drink, on top of that, it compounds the problem. This is frustrating for me, especially when I need to be in high gear. It sounds to me like you need to be in high gear, as well, with all of the demands placed on you.

Most of us slip. When we expect perfection, we only set ourselves up to fail. That was day before yesterday. You didn't drink last night and you have each night ahead of you! Take a deep breath and just to be the best you can be.

I hope you can look forward to your week end with your kids and nephew. Maybe plan something fun! Get rid of the despair and go forward knowing that things WILL be better!

You can do this. We are with you - supporting you!

Hugs,

Best

[Beaches]

15 beer

Hi Kat,
I can relate to your story full heartedly. I was going along very well and then not so good. I am still not where I would like to be. I have never gone a month without a drink much less a couple of weeks.

Stress in whatever form calls to the very back of our brains and it says...drinking will make it better. It does for that moment. Not for the long run. Not for us. Not for our families. Not for our work.

I can so relate to you and wish us both the best in this long journey. I often wonder why I chose the name I did..."Not Powerless". Interesting.

[KatBlois]

15 beer

Thank you

Thank you for being there, is all I can think of to say, to be understood, and able to speak freely, this place, and you, have given me something I don't think I've ever had, support without judgements, accusations, insults, ..... Thank you for listening, and caring

I need to fix this, the problem extends further than the drinking, although the program is wonderful, and with out added stress, I was really doing well, but If I really want to suceed, I believe I have to take care of my life, and find Good support systems, something that is seriously lacking in my life.

I think I am going to put myself in the hospital, at this point I really believe it's the best thing for me to do.

:thanks:
Kat

[YoungAtHeart]

15 beer

Go for it Kat! All the best! I think that it would be a good thing for your family to know that you are not invincible and that you have to look after yourself for a change.

Hugs,
Kathy

[imnewhere]

15 beer

Kat I can relate I went to my highschool reunion & had myself soooo worked up (in my head) that I ended up DRUNK turns out my bar tab was $16.00 and I always leave a good tip -- so why was I soo drunk? I think our adrenals contribute to our chemistry ... has anyone read POTATOES NOT PROZAC? I am so vulnerable... right now I am mad at myself b/c I did not prepare it is almost as if I chose not to... what makes me mad is that I cannot remember most of the evening... a once in the lifetime event...

[imnewhere]

15 beer

Kat I have reread your post & please know that I recognize that you are dealing with a very severe situation -- my reunion really does not matter.

[KatBlois]

15 beer

Iamnewhere

Dont ever tell yourself that your fears or hurts are any less internally than someone elses, while my stuff is pretty serious, I can remember times in the past when I have had such a deep emotional reaction to something "unimportant" it actually made me very distraught, and physically ill.

A little example, and it may sound "small" but effected me very deeply; I'm 41 yrs old, but people put my age in my early 30's, a few times even went as far as putting me in my mid-late 20's.... I dont look my age and I am the type of person who can get into a kids game, or what ever, and enjoy it as much as the kids do...
And you are saying to yourself, so most people wouldnt think that is a problem, but,

A few years ago my older son was in a different school, the parents of his class mates, most very close to my own age, and they were all very active in getting programs etc going for the kids, I lived in that area for 10 years, and kept trying to be accepted, to participate, I had things I wanted to contribute, but because they saw me as so young, their attitude towards me was that I hadnt gone through everything they had, that I couldnt possibly have anything to contribute, they would actually cut me off when I would begin to say something, exclude me when making decisions, ignore me when I would offer to help with something, anyway you get the idea, If you are wondering how I know how they saw me, One of them told me at one point, years into it, not in a mean way, because I dont think they were trying to be mean, but matter of factly, (the look on her face when I told her she was only 2 yrs older than me, and enlightened her to my own sons heealth issues, was priceless)

Every function, meeting, social activity for the kids, (and these things were important, deaf kids dont have a lot of social opportunities) that I went to I'd alternate between insecurity bordering on fear ( more so If I had something I wanted to say) profound hurt, and a real deep seeded anger, and more than once (not at the functions, etc them selves) I came home cried and got right tanked,

but you know something if had ever been invited to one of the Adults fun get togethers, I could so easily see myself being so nervous, and bound bent and determined to have a good time I would've over done it same as you, and I would have been kicking myself, wondering how I could be such an idiot.

Maybe you were just nervous, and determined to have a good time, but you know something if that's the case, I have a strong suspicion that it's been a long time since you've had a good time... and hon, That is No small thing. Cut yourself some slack....

I look back now, and I wonder why it was so important to me to be accepted by these people, I did end up with two of the other parents as friends, (the ones that helped me get my ideas and opinions out) and having the 2 good friends, the others really shouldn?t have been important to me at all.

Kat

[KatBlois]

15 beer

Oh, by the way Kathy...

I think you're a sweetie
Kat

[imnewhere]

15 beer

Thanks Kat -- you are correct I had not had fun in such a long time and in highschool I was so involved & engaged ... I felt like an outsider I did carry on many a conversation that evening but as time went on I found myself just saying things for the shock value .. I have since seen my Dr. & know that I have work to do... I just do not know where to begin...

[shedot]

15 beer

I too had a major slip this weekend. I hadn't touched a drop in 3 weeks, then got this terrible compulsion and couldn't control it. Started out with a shot of whisky, then 2, felt pretty good, then decided it would be a good idea to fill my flask with Vodka for a "just incase" drink later. As I was filling that, the bottle was almost empty so I said what the hell, I'll just finish that off, proceeded to pour that into my Diet Coke, from there I"m not sure what happened. I remember pouring out a beer after my husband yelled at me, saying that I was slurring, and asked me what did I take, that a few sips of a beer wouldn't do that. At that point I said I didnt feel good and took a nap. Woke up a little later and was back in a somewhat clear head, feeling guilty as hell. I'm remorsfull, but not totally beating my self up...... yet. I just want to stop this nonsense. Tried topa, can't really stand that stuff, but the kudzu and other stuff really seems to help, maybe some of the other meds (other than topa) will help.

Anyway good luck to ya, do what you feel you need to do to get off the stuff. Know that you are not alone and we will be here when you come back and when you do please tell us all about it. Take time to take care of yourself and let people who love you help you out.