dropping back in

[medic]

Hi all,

I've been pretty out of it for over a week - just thought I'd come back and report any findings after the experience.

I have no doubt that alcohol is making me worse mentally and physically. I found the only real advantage of being there is the initial stages of anxiety reduction with the buzz and the onset of exhaustion that pre-empts my introspection/rumination about life problems/issues.

I have anxiety problems and suffer from low self-esteem and a bizarre self-consciousness where I am constantly scrutinising certain people to see if they are picking up on my inner panick - this latter thing is what makes me drink moreso than the other things. Common sense would dictate that this kind of behaviour is brought on by self destructive tendencies but I feel like a victim to them instead of in control of them.

I drink because this is the way I deal with too much thinking/feeling/imagining. I am a frustrated artist and not great at anything. I think if I excelled at one thing I would have more of an outlet for my creativity which I think is being hijacked by my demons.

Just thinking out loud and not promising sobriety because as much as this shit is killing me it's also performing a containment function till the enlightenment, which I'm hoping for, comes. I'm waiting for the enlightenment (not the historical period you understand - laughs).

If anybody has any seeds of wisdom which might make my stupid brain default to sensible feel free to post - I need lots of Mallet's mallets. You know what I'm talking about...

[Choochie]

dropping back in

Medic, welcome back!

Here is the best initial advice I can give you. If you want to change your thinking and escape having to have willpower (which doesn't work long term) to stop drinking, read this book. It is based on intellect and will change the way you view alcohol. I attribute this book and MWO to my sobriety (day 48 today). The book by Allen Carr, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking turns the idea of needing willpower on its head. Instead, the author shows you why giving up alcohol is not a sacrifice at all. To the contrary, it is an extremely positive move and will enhance your life enormously. It worked for me and several others here, so I just wanted you to know about it. Certainly worth a try if you're serious about quitting.

I had terrible anxiety which is now gone!

Do this for yourself. Getting sober is the best gift you could ever bestow upon yourself!

Hugs,
Choochie:l

[medic]

dropping back in

Thanks C. Unfortunately I have read Carr's book and it didn't really help me. It certainly made me think but most of what he said about cultural traditions and conditioning were things I had discovered on my own years ago. I'm glad it helped you though. I guess I'm just a little bit more screwed up.

[fighting back]

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Common sense would dictate that this kind of behaviour is brought on by self destructive tendencies but I feel like a victim to them instead of in control of them.

Don't be too hard on yourself Medic. We are there or have been there at one point. It's good that you are back here, and also good that you recognise that AL is making you suffer mentally and physically.

You say that you feel like a victim, and maybe that could be a starting point for you. Think about how that makes you feel and the things you can do to empower yourself maybe?

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. I hope 'the enlightenment' is close for you, in the meantime I'll hit you round the head with one of Timmy's malletts if you like. :H

Peace is the best thing I can wish for for you, I hope you find some.

[medic]

dropping back in

Thanks FB. I'm sorry for maybe being a drag to readers - panicking here. I know my post reads crazy and that's because I think I am (after all, who actually consciously wants to put something not too much less toxic than drain cleaner into their system?). In the meantime receiving your mallet over the head whilst listening to the dance version of Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini (AH Yeah!)

[sapphire1]

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Hi Medic,

I am a very strong supporter of the biochemical inbalance causes of anxiety/depression and other mental illnesses as well as alcoholism. I have been following a very detailed program in a book called "Seven Weeks to Sobriety" written by Joan Mathews Larson Phd. It addresses a whole range of physical conditions from hypoglycemia,diabetes, thyroid and hormone problems and a whole range of vitamin mineral and amino acid deficiencies. It is a fantastic program and I would recommend that you have a go at it. Best of luck Saff x

[medic]

dropping back in

Thanks Saff. That's definitely something I'm going to look into.

[RedThread12]

dropping back in

Medic: I also think Saff's on the right track.

Here's my kind of "out there" take on what's happening to you, which happened to me: We have no freakin' idea why our individual bio-neuro-chemistry demands the drink. It probably has very little to do with us, personally. My explorations tell me it's primarily genetic, although not necessarily in the sense that we inherit the disease - but in the sense that we inherit knowledge and experience that is unintegrated (through generations?) into consciousness and cultural ideals that seem appropriate but are more fiction than fact.

I totally agree with Fighting Back. Don't be too hard on yourself. As one of my favorite meditation teacher's says, "You are not your fault." If we could just get that, enlightenment might be close!

However, if it shows up in our lives, it's obviously up to us to deal with it, so keep on trying whatever seems possible, go to whatever lengths . . .

Baclofen works for me. Many other things work for many others. Don't worry about being crazy - "to be sane in an insane world is to be insane." And if you haven't noticed, it's pretty nutty out there!! Take as much care as you can. Keep looking and asking. Good luck.

[choice]

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Hi Medic,
I really relate to how you described your drinking experience. I had this relationship with my inner self when I drank that I really missed at first. I too am an artist and have a lot of artist friends who have problems with AL. Some of them struggle in and out of rehab. We all would hang out night after night and drink and make art and talk about art. It was a time in my life that I'll always remember. It all had to come to an end because I suffer from anxiety and depression. I just almost couldn't pick my head up anymore. I don't think I even drank as much as my artist friends, and they didn't seam to suffer from guilt. I don't really know why. All I do know is I had to stop and I wish some of them would too as I worry for their health and sanity. I've felt highly creative while intoxicated and created good work, but really.... I've also wasted a lot of time not creating and feeling like a failure because I'm sick of being a starving artist. There are so many famous artist who's stories involve an addiction. Those are just the very few ones we know about. How many unknown artists out there just drown in a bottle? Too many.
:h Take care,
Choice

[medic]

dropping back in

Thanks RT12 and Choice. It's reassuring to know that people may even relate to what I'm experiencing, never mind understand.