Well, it has only been a few weeks since finding this site, the support, the new tools ... and today, I can finally say I am
NO LONGER STUCK IN STUPID!
Some days have been very difficult, some days I am so proud of and almost in awe of myself ... a couple days just made me mad at myself.
But in all of those days, I have FINALLY come to understand better, myself and what seems to be some of the issues that drive me forward in drinking. It's been quite an eye opener.
The beginning of the week, I seemed to just slip away from here. My old, bad habits were beginning to surface. Again, never fall-down all out binges ... just that afternoon to bedtime buzz .. everyday. Some how justifying that first drink that just kept it going ... I'm not certain why I didn't come here ..
Then a few days ago, I received a few PMs from a couple of people here .. asking how I was doing. I let them sit in my mail box for a day ... I felt ashamed a bit. That was the wrong thing to feel .. and I finally read them .. and re-focused again. To those who wrote me .. bless your little cotten socks!
I NEED to be here everyday. I NEED to keep on reading... and posting. I NEED this support and interaction bacause I recently had to face the fact, that a big part of my drinking is Loneliness!
Some if it brought on by dynamics out of my control ... but much of it brought on by myself. You see, my very best friend in the world, for years now ... has been my bottles of wine.
I went from being a VERY social person, lots of friends and people around me, always on the go ... to one by one cutting people and things out of my life because I was staying home drinking instead ... after a long while .. people stop asking you.
Someone posted here about missing her husbands 60th birthday .. boy, I could relate! I have missed SO much because I didn;t have the energy or interest to even get dressed and get out the door ... because of the wine.
There remained two important men /people in my life ... my very best friend of 20 something years who lived right down the hill from me, with his daughter who I helped raise. Always there for me, he would comment on how he wished I would drink less ... but no matter what, he was still there for me.
The other was a relationship that I really thought in the beginning was "The One". Being divorced for many years, with no kids, I had dated a bit, on the verge of serious a few times ... even did the Match.com thing for awhile. (awful .. just AWFUL!) LOL He was quite special .. so I thought.
Then there was my sweet golden of 14 years. She was literally with me 24/7 .. at work, church .. everywhere. In the past few years, it became more difficult for her to get around. It because another excuse to not leave the house if I didn't have to. It became another reason to sit home and drink.
I felt pretty "happy" in my isolated little world. I run four business, but three are pretty much on the phone and computer. My shop is "hands on" .. so that got me out of the house ... and around others ... but my team of seven are not the people that I should socailize with. For me, employee / boss freindships are a bad idea. So it was me, the dog and "my guys".
The end of June, I had to put my sweet pup down. It is like losing a daughter to me. A fews weeks later, my friend's move took place to AZ. .. and he is now 6 hours away, instead of walking distance.
As for the realtionship, the rocky three years finally came to a conclusion. I had to let it go for my health and sanity. For years I knew it was bad ... but it was a comfort zone. Getting the strength to cut that off was difficult .. but each day that passes gets better and I know in my heart it was the right thing to do ...
But, OMG, am I lonely! I drink beacuse I am lonely. Or I am lonely because I have drank so much?!
It's hard to admit to being lonely. It's like admitting no one really requests you into thier lives or activities. So this is a biggie for me... and I can type this here .. with tears and finally admit that I don't like my life with just that old grape juice best friend.
How do I change it? I have no flippin idea. I am certain that will be baby steps as well. I have a pretty outgoing personality ... I just have to start using it again ...
So ... from Stuck In Stupid ... to the "Ah Hay" moment of admitting to being lonely ... I will turn this thing around and gain better control of all aspects of my life .. starting with controling that best friend.
I am actually off to take a walk this morning .. something I have been very bad about doing! It will be the start of what I hope will be another "controlled" day for me ...
I will be back later .. because I now I NEED you guys here.
Gratefully,
WaitingToExhale
NO LONGER STUCK IN STUPID!
Some days have been very difficult, some days I am so proud of and almost in awe of myself ... a couple days just made me mad at myself.
But in all of those days, I have FINALLY come to understand better, myself and what seems to be some of the issues that drive me forward in drinking. It's been quite an eye opener.
The beginning of the week, I seemed to just slip away from here. My old, bad habits were beginning to surface. Again, never fall-down all out binges ... just that afternoon to bedtime buzz .. everyday. Some how justifying that first drink that just kept it going ... I'm not certain why I didn't come here ..
Then a few days ago, I received a few PMs from a couple of people here .. asking how I was doing. I let them sit in my mail box for a day ... I felt ashamed a bit. That was the wrong thing to feel .. and I finally read them .. and re-focused again. To those who wrote me .. bless your little cotten socks!
I NEED to be here everyday. I NEED to keep on reading... and posting. I NEED this support and interaction bacause I recently had to face the fact, that a big part of my drinking is Loneliness!
Some if it brought on by dynamics out of my control ... but much of it brought on by myself. You see, my very best friend in the world, for years now ... has been my bottles of wine.
I went from being a VERY social person, lots of friends and people around me, always on the go ... to one by one cutting people and things out of my life because I was staying home drinking instead ... after a long while .. people stop asking you.
Someone posted here about missing her husbands 60th birthday .. boy, I could relate! I have missed SO much because I didn;t have the energy or interest to even get dressed and get out the door ... because of the wine.
There remained two important men /people in my life ... my very best friend of 20 something years who lived right down the hill from me, with his daughter who I helped raise. Always there for me, he would comment on how he wished I would drink less ... but no matter what, he was still there for me.
The other was a relationship that I really thought in the beginning was "The One". Being divorced for many years, with no kids, I had dated a bit, on the verge of serious a few times ... even did the Match.com thing for awhile. (awful .. just AWFUL!) LOL He was quite special .. so I thought.
Then there was my sweet golden of 14 years. She was literally with me 24/7 .. at work, church .. everywhere. In the past few years, it became more difficult for her to get around. It because another excuse to not leave the house if I didn't have to. It became another reason to sit home and drink.
I felt pretty "happy" in my isolated little world. I run four business, but three are pretty much on the phone and computer. My shop is "hands on" .. so that got me out of the house ... and around others ... but my team of seven are not the people that I should socailize with. For me, employee / boss freindships are a bad idea. So it was me, the dog and "my guys".
The end of June, I had to put my sweet pup down. It is like losing a daughter to me. A fews weeks later, my friend's move took place to AZ. .. and he is now 6 hours away, instead of walking distance.
As for the realtionship, the rocky three years finally came to a conclusion. I had to let it go for my health and sanity. For years I knew it was bad ... but it was a comfort zone. Getting the strength to cut that off was difficult .. but each day that passes gets better and I know in my heart it was the right thing to do ...
But, OMG, am I lonely! I drink beacuse I am lonely. Or I am lonely because I have drank so much?!
It's hard to admit to being lonely. It's like admitting no one really requests you into thier lives or activities. So this is a biggie for me... and I can type this here .. with tears and finally admit that I don't like my life with just that old grape juice best friend.
How do I change it? I have no flippin idea. I am certain that will be baby steps as well. I have a pretty outgoing personality ... I just have to start using it again ...
So ... from Stuck In Stupid ... to the "Ah Hay" moment of admitting to being lonely ... I will turn this thing around and gain better control of all aspects of my life .. starting with controling that best friend.
I am actually off to take a walk this morning .. something I have been very bad about doing! It will be the start of what I hope will be another "controlled" day for me ...
I will be back later .. because I now I NEED you guys here.
Gratefully,
WaitingToExhale
Comment