Those who know me here know that I'm a waffler. At times I have expressed a strong commitment to remaining abstinent for good, and at other times I've hung around the "moderation" threads, practicing "harm reduction" and "damage control". It seems like my history is one of less drinking than many here, but more and more I can see that amounts don't mean as much as I might like to think.
Tonight is a good example of what I mean. I have certain rules for myself with regard to my drinking. One of them is simply "don't drink on a day when you've decided not to." I had told myself early in the day that I would not drink tonight. It's a week night, and my plan is not to drink on weeknights. But by 5:30, hungry and a little stressed out about relatively minor problems at work and the sound of my kids fighting with each other, a glass of wine started to seem like a good idea. My husband wasn't home yet, and I have told myself in the past not to drink until he gets home. But he called and said he was on his way, and I thought, "well, he'll be here soon, I could have one glass while I cook dinner." So now I've broken four of my own rules: Don't drink today since you committed to not doing so, don't ever drink on weeknights, don't drink because you're stressed out, and don't drink when hubby isn't home.
As I drank the wine, I started to think that maybe I didn't want him to know I had had a drink before he came home, and so I finished it quickly (rule # 5, "drink slowly" ; broken). I cleaned and dried the glass and put it away, and brushed my teeth. (So much for rule # 6, "don't hide or be sneaky"). When he came home I served dinner to the family and poured myself another glass of wine. Okay, my limit is two, and I did stop at two. After dinner, the kids were wild. Hubby started looking through the cupboards for something else to eat, which irritated me, since I'd just served dinner. To be honest, everything was irritating me. I blew up at my little family, demanding more help in the kitchen and more appreciation for my cooking, and less rough-housing by the boys. Rule # 7: Don't ever let drinking effect your parenting or your marriage; broken.
And so tonight I had a moderate amount of wine. Two normal sized glasses. But was I drinking in a "normal" way? No. Was it a problem? Yes. And I feel almost as guilty as I would if I had drunk the whole bottle. I alienated my husband for the night, I yelled at my precious children, and I broke 7 of my own rules. All of those things tear at my self-esteem. An evening turned unpleasant. A never-to be lived again evening. None of this would have happened if I'd just stayed alcohol free. So is it worse to drink two bottles than two glasses? Of course. But can two glasses be a significant problem? I'm afraid so.
None of this is to say that I'm not still waffling. On Saturday I had two glasses with friends who were at our house for dinner, and there were no ill effects. None that is, except that I opened the door to the two I had tonight.
Tonight is a good example of what I mean. I have certain rules for myself with regard to my drinking. One of them is simply "don't drink on a day when you've decided not to." I had told myself early in the day that I would not drink tonight. It's a week night, and my plan is not to drink on weeknights. But by 5:30, hungry and a little stressed out about relatively minor problems at work and the sound of my kids fighting with each other, a glass of wine started to seem like a good idea. My husband wasn't home yet, and I have told myself in the past not to drink until he gets home. But he called and said he was on his way, and I thought, "well, he'll be here soon, I could have one glass while I cook dinner." So now I've broken four of my own rules: Don't drink today since you committed to not doing so, don't ever drink on weeknights, don't drink because you're stressed out, and don't drink when hubby isn't home.
As I drank the wine, I started to think that maybe I didn't want him to know I had had a drink before he came home, and so I finished it quickly (rule # 5, "drink slowly" ; broken). I cleaned and dried the glass and put it away, and brushed my teeth. (So much for rule # 6, "don't hide or be sneaky"). When he came home I served dinner to the family and poured myself another glass of wine. Okay, my limit is two, and I did stop at two. After dinner, the kids were wild. Hubby started looking through the cupboards for something else to eat, which irritated me, since I'd just served dinner. To be honest, everything was irritating me. I blew up at my little family, demanding more help in the kitchen and more appreciation for my cooking, and less rough-housing by the boys. Rule # 7: Don't ever let drinking effect your parenting or your marriage; broken.
And so tonight I had a moderate amount of wine. Two normal sized glasses. But was I drinking in a "normal" way? No. Was it a problem? Yes. And I feel almost as guilty as I would if I had drunk the whole bottle. I alienated my husband for the night, I yelled at my precious children, and I broke 7 of my own rules. All of those things tear at my self-esteem. An evening turned unpleasant. A never-to be lived again evening. None of this would have happened if I'd just stayed alcohol free. So is it worse to drink two bottles than two glasses? Of course. But can two glasses be a significant problem? I'm afraid so.
None of this is to say that I'm not still waffling. On Saturday I had two glasses with friends who were at our house for dinner, and there were no ill effects. None that is, except that I opened the door to the two I had tonight.
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