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    #1

    Dreading my alcoholic mother.

    Hi All,

    I have posted about this subject on a different thread but as xmas time comes perilously closer, I really feel that I need all the help I can get.
    I'm going interstate in about 10 days to visit my mother over Christmas. I'm not looking forward to it because she is an alcoholic herself but in complete denial and very defensive about it. I know she'll to try push me to have a drink and I don't know how I'll cope with this at such an early stage in my recovery.
    I feel very positive now after almost 2 weeks AF but don't feel ready to face this kind of pressure. She knows of my struggle with AL but will not acknowledge it for what ever reason. I'm unhappy because I know what?s coming and I don?t feel ready for it. I can't ask for her understanding, and I can't back out of the holiday either.
    ANY suggestions would be very much appreciated as I feel quiet bereft at the thought of ruining all my hard work to stay sober.
    Shanny
    Don't tell me it can't be done until I'm finished doing it.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Dreading my alcoholic mother.

    Hi Shanny,
    I think your smart to look for support and make a plan so far in advance. Your right you don't want to ruin all the hard work you've been able to achieve AF for anyone. Good for you on putting your needs first. You can do this. I know it's your early days so your going to need to make a good solid air tight plan to get you to the other side of this holiday. One thing you can count on is that in another 10 days you will have added up even more time sober. You will be even stronger. So that's something to look forward to as you strengthen your resolve to be sober under all circumstances. (If that is your desire). Saying no and hearing no are so hard for alcoholics.. but it's not the end of the world. Your mother is addicted to alcohol, she'll do anything not to drink alone. She may not accept your decision or understand why you won't drink with her, but that's really her problem not yours, and she will get over it. She'll have to right? I'm sorry the thought of this holiday is bringing you stress and making you unhappy. It would be weighing on my mind too especially if it were my mother. I have a feeling you will get through this without drinking if that's your plan.
    take care, Choice

    Comment

      #3
      Dreading my alcoholic mother.

      You're going in forewarned .... you know what is likely to happen, so maybe you can work out a few strategies to protect yourself.
      Trust yourself that you are able to handle whatever emotional pressure is put on you.
      And perhaps take your own juices/soft drinks etc with you.
      Maybe when your mum sees your determination she may ease the strain a bit.
      Do you need her understanding ?
      By knowing she has problems she doesn't want to acknowledge may make it a bit easier for you to accept she cannot acknowledge your problems........ as they are too close to her own problems.
      It's all too easy for me to sit at my keyboard offering advice .

      Sorry.

      Comment

        #4
        Dreading my alcoholic mother.

        Hi Shanny,

        Congrats on your 2 AF weeks - good job

        I think if I was in your situation I would plan to arrive at your Mother's house armed with your favorite AF drink & a positive attitude! Tell her you feel so much better now that you are no longer drinking & won't ruin that feeling now - for anything or anyone. I never let anyone pressure me about drinking - you shouldn't either. You will be so proud of yourself for sticking to your plan

        Wishing you the best & keep up the great work!

        Lav
        AF since 03/26/09
        NF since 05/19/09
        Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

        Comment

          #5
          Dreading my alcoholic mother.

          I think Lava is spot on Shanny. A positive attitude and smiles will do better than your begrudged self-compromise to please another person. Don't drink AL for anybody: like the old story goes, if I told you to jump off a bridge would you do that too?

          If she asks you about you not drinking just tell her that it no longer does anything for you. If it makes you feel better in the short term, even lie and say you feel under the weather and that the drink will make you feel worse. The longer your mother associates you with not drinking, the easier she will find that image to cope with.

          Protect yourself and your sobriety at all costs. You may end up being the role model for her.

          Comment

            #6
            Dreading my alcoholic mother.

            Heck..Just say youre taking antibiotics or some other meds that prevent you from drinking alcohol. Even if you have to, just ring her up a few days before you go there, and say you went to the Dr.{make up something believable, like an infection of some sort}. Then it will be easier for her to think you are taking antibiotics or whatever when you get there. Just a thought
            AF since 10/14/2010...

            Comment

              #7
              Dreading my alcoholic mother.

              Thanx everyone, great advice. I especially like the idea of just saying that I'm under the weather or that I can't drink due to taking antibiotics. To be honest, when intoxicated, she wont care but I will put the idea in her head from the moment I arrive.
              It worries me that I will be so exposed to alcohol as well. It's not just the emotional pressure, although that does take on a extra twist when it comes from a parent. It's also that alcohol will be in the house and flowing freely all day, every day that I'm there. I can only stay out of the house for so long.
              The only good thing I can see that may come out of this is that if I make it back home AF, I'll have achieved something really special.
              Don't tell me it can't be done until I'm finished doing it.

              Comment

                #8
                Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                Lava,
                You nailed it!
                That was what I was trying to say, but you did it heaps better!!

                Comment

                  #9
                  Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                  Are you driving to and frome her place?
                  There's going to be a zillion RBT's out, so another reason to give your mum.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                    Oh you poor kiddo !
                    Jeez there's a strong alcohol culture here isn't there ?
                    And your Mum is so stuck in her own disease that she's hell bent on recruiting you into it ! Sad !
                    Tragic to say it, but if you plant the seed as soon as you walk in is she likely to just zone out as she gets pissed ?
                    Could you front up for a bit, but leave as early as you can ?
                    Drink a lemonade etc out of a wine glass to keep her 'company' ?
                    I really feel sorry for your situation mate.
                    Bridge.
                    If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
                    Rejoined life 20/5/19

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                      Rags;1022417 wrote: Are you driving to and frome her place?
                      There's going to be a zillion RBT's out, so another reason to give your mum.
                      No, we're flying. She lives interstate. I left when I was 14 because she had gone "off the rails" with her alcohol consumption. If we hadn't already booked the airfares, there's no way I'd be going.
                      Don't tell me it can't be done until I'm finished doing it.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                        byebyebridgetjones;1022427 wrote: Oh you poor kiddo !
                        Jeez there's a strong alcohol culture here isn't there ?
                        And your Mum is so stuck in her own disease that she's hell bent on recruiting you into it ! Sad !
                        Tragic to say it, but if you plant the seed as soon as you walk in is she likely to just zone out as she gets pissed ?
                        Could you front up for a bit, but leave as early as you can ?
                        Drink a lemonade etc out of a wine glass to keep her 'company' ?
                        I really feel sorry for your situation mate.
                        Bridge.
                        No, can't go front up for awhile and then leave. We live in different states haha. If only..
                        Don't tell me it can't be done until I'm finished doing it.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                          I'm staying with her over xmas for 9 days
                          Don't tell me it can't be done until I'm finished doing it.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                            9 days is a long time. I didn't realise the full situation. "We're flying" I assume husband, friend, partner... can they give you backup support? Can you at least get out of the house during the day.. go to the beach or something? Hire a car?

                            By the way, if no-one's invited you, come and join the Underoos... I haven't got much of a clue what is happening there sometimes, but it's all good fun...

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Dreading my alcoholic mother.

                              Hi Shanny,

                              You are in a tough spot, but you CAN handle it. If it were my mum (and she can use the odd bit of emotional blackmail too) I would tell her a little white lie about a medical reason for not drinking. Because you are in the early days of recovery, you will be very vulnerable. Are you going with someone who can help you out and provide support for you while you are there? You could plan activities that dont involve being around the house 24/7...even an early morning walk every day to clear your head and strengthen your resolve. Take a diary/journal and write down all of your reasons for not drinking every day...to keep your goal fresh and strong. Will you have internet access while you are there? If so plan to log on here and seek help if things are getting too tough. As Rags mentioned come in and join the underoos we are on the same time zone as you. Much strength and power to you, Saff x
                              I am a part of the family of humanity. Not one person on this earth is a stranger to me. Rev. Ted Noffs

                              Comment

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