better off not having a spouse

[dlw]

my spouse drinks as an average drinker always has, always will. . can stop when he wants. but I cant follow his path after 30 years of marriage, So I drown in booze and he can't figure that to help me we both need to keep booze out of the house. UGH so I drink in my closet without him knowing, and he can't figure out why when he sees my bloodshot eyes. . He see's that I am drunk ( I am a closet drinker) and I go on total defense. I deserve no pity, but deserve not to be judged, so therefore my husband becomes my enemy when I drink. He deserves better but I cant give him more that what I have

sorry to vent This is all my choice. The good thing is my sober days are better than my drunk days. The only thing I worry about is my marriage, which could suffer great consequences.
If my hubby doesnt give a bit, we could be doomed

[Pride before Fall]

better off not having a spouse

If my hubby doesnt give a bit, we could be doomed. >>

DLW, hubby's give is the one thing you don't have control over; only yourself, your actions, and your response to his concerns. AL's the enemy for the alcoholic, ultimately; not the people that love us.

Maybe you could let him know specifically what he could do that would help. He might just be feeling helpless, and expressing his anxiety the only way he knows how. "Get off my back" lost me several people who gave a damn about me, and the most important one, my best friend, I haven't got back. Look hard for the straight path.

xoxo Pride

[EnglishWriter77]

better off not having a spouse

Hi DLW,

I have lost some wonderful women and friends as they couldn't handle to see me destroy myself. Not because they didn't love me but because they DID.

I don't think he judges you but wants to help and doesn't know what to 'give' exactly.

My exes and I tried the 'no alcohol in the house'. If you think you could make that work, perhaps ask him to go out on a lads night once a week so it's not around you. But in my personal experience, where there is a will there is a way and I would sneak it back in using extraordinary devised plans!

Good luck and hope to hear how it goes.

[dlw]

better off not having a spouse

He is so mean and nasty to me- and gives me a great amount of guilt. So much so I cannot face him, he makes me feel worthless. I want to feel like a whole person, he does makes me feel less than an ant'
I am better than that and only feel better when he is not around

[EnglishWriter77]

better off not having a spouse

It's the tough love syndrome and I know that doesn't usually work too.

They think you will then snap out of it so make you feel bad, so want to feel good and quit. Maybe explain this just makes the cycle worse for you?

Think, why does he want you to stop? Because he wants YOU, the real wife, back cos he loves you DLW.

[greeneyes]

better off not having a spouse

dlw;1024180 wrote: he makes me feel worthless

It is said that in our journey, we hook up with people (other souls) who in love, offer us opportunities to heal. Spouses, relatives, friends, enemies, bosses, neighbors.... when you feel conflict with one, it is because it is an issue within you that needs healing and they are fulfilling a role to bring it to the forefront to assist you. Often it is about feelings of self-worth. I've been doing some work in this arena and have found a method I like. Maybe you will like it too. Here's the link if you'd like to take a look. The video on the home page may be helpful. Forgiveness at Radical Forgiveness.com :l

[dlw]

better off not having a spouse

ok so I guess he loves me
No fair, he can drink and I cannot
got it

[KevFromCanberra]

better off not having a spouse

Hi it certainly sounds an unpleasant situation. I can relate to a certain degree.

I have a wife who is virtually a non-drinker. She can have a glass of wine with a meal, occasionaly two. Any more and she is ill. She just doesnt see the point in drinking any more than that and has been pretty judgemental and unforgiving when I have screwed up over the years with drinking too much and making an a$$-hole out of myself.

But on the other hand, her being that way has probably kept me from ever really hitting rock bottom because I think if I had been married to a drinking woman it would have been too easy to become a pair of drinking buddies and then there would have been no stopping me.

By contrast, I have two brothers and their lives have been a long slow descent of broken marriages and relationships and financial loss.

They have always been involved with women who liked to drink as much as them. usually they picked them up in bars anyway and the relationships developed from there. Eventually all of their relationships have ended in bitter drunken fights with their spouses where they have said utterly vile things to each other and in one case ended in physical violence. Also with their drunken party animal lifestyles has come the infidelity which has put the final nail in the coffins of their relationships.

So in her own way, my wife's total lack of interest and understanding of alcohol has been a positive force over the long run and is very welcome to me now that I am looking to become a non-drinker myself. I hated it at the time when she would not come to parties with me or would come but would refuse to drink and would not join in the festivities.

She really is blissfully naive about this condition. She knows that I have always had concerns about my drinking being out of control and has seen my condition after all night sessions. She knows that I am currently on this program of tracking my drinks and aiming at moderation / abstinence. Yet tonight she was preparing a meal using liberal quantities of wine and waving a half full bottle of red under my nose. Its lucky that I have some very serious motivation this time around and was not tempted by it. I would love to have the sort of indifference to alcohol that she has.

I guess it is just going to make it a bit more of a challenge knowing that there will always be alcohol in the house for her cooking. I really dont think it would be fair of me to make her change her lifestyle just because I dont know when to stop.

[dlw]

better off not having a spouse

Good Point Kev, I guess I need to get my act together, Its a sober day for me
DAY 1

[Sunnyvalenting]

better off not having a spouse

I was unable to stop drinking in time to prevent divorce after 29 years of a marriage I wanted. He just couldn't deal with it any more. I, too, drank in the closet. I believe he loved me but just couldn't watch me self destruct as I certainly was.

Any guilt you feel is not given to you by HIM but, rather, is your own moral compass telling you that you are acting selfishly and irresponsibly. I know, most of us have been there. We are so frantic and ashamed that we project our chaos onto others and blame them.

Get help and stop drinking. You may need a program, medicine, or both. Meanwhile try to remember that there are many things in life which are not "fair". Some kids get cancer, some people get addicted, some get loads of silver spoons, some not even a plastic one or anything to eat with it. We each get to and must play the hand we are dealt.

After about 12 years of failed sincere attempts to quit my alcohol abuse I was able to easily quit using baclofen. You may want to consider all the approaches now available. Self pity isn't one of them but self understanding and self compassion do help.

It has been 3 1/2 years since my divorce. It has been 11 months alcohol free. I am still grieving the loss but trying to and mostly succeeding on moving forward. Ex and I are on reasonably good terms.

I wish you well and hope you can learn from your past and draw strength and encouragement from those who have walked similar paths.

Welcome to MWO

Sunny

[greeneyes]

better off not having a spouse

Sunnyvalenting;1024813 wrote: We are so frantic and ashamed that we project our chaos onto others and blame them.

Absolutely. Good post, sunny.

You can do it, dlw! It's time to start living your life!

[Doggygirl]

better off not having a spouse

dlw, my husband got sick of my drinking too. Looking back, I don't blame him and it's a miracle he tolerating my bullshit as long as he did. Sometimes we get sober in time, and sometimes we don't when it comes to our relationships. At the end of the day, we have to get sober for ourselves first, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.

Sunnyvalenting;1024813 wrote: Any guilt you feel is not given to you by HIM but, rather, is your own moral compass telling you that you are acting selfishly and irresponsibly. I know, most of us have been there. We are so frantic and ashamed that we project our chaos onto others and blame them.

EXACTLY. That is exactly what I did too and you have summarized that more elequently than I ever could.

Strength and hope to you dlw.

DG

[KateH1]

better off not having a spouse

Yes, I agree completely with Sunny, as well. No one else can make us feel guilty or ashamed, this comes completely from within ourselves. The defense mechanism for these feelings is to project on to others and this does nothing to resolve the heart of the matter.

It sounds like you are at a crossroads in your drinking....you will either choose to get the help that you need and to stop drinking, or, you will continue to exert your Right to drink, blame others and watch your life continue to spiral out of control. The choice is yours.

Best Wishes to you,
Kate

[gyco]

better off not having a spouse

tolerance

dlw;1024149 wrote: my spouse drinks as an average drinker always has, always will. . can stop when he wants. but I cant follow his path after 30 years of marriage, So I drown in booze and he can't figure that to help me we both need to keep booze out of the house. UGH so I drink in my closet without him knowing, and he can't figure out why when he sees my bloodshot eyes. . He see's that I am drunk ( I am a closet drinker) and I go on total defense. I deserve no pity, but deserve not to be judged, so therefore my husband becomes my enemy when I drink. He deserves better but I cant give him more that what I have

sorry to vent This is all my choice. The good thing is my sober days are better than my drunk days. The only thing I worry about is my marriage, which could suffer great consequences.
If my hubby doesnt give a bit, we could be doomed

hi dlw,this is a good post,:goodjob:[heavy]drinkers as most of us were or are,are the ones that have to lern to understand where are significant other half is coming from,they dont have the problem we have,nor will they ever undrstand it,my wife or i could have just got up and left years ago,i remember saying to her i dont no whats wrong with me,until i went to treatment,it was like going back to grade school,i was 4 months sober when i went there,and i still had a hard time,evryone has faults,ours just happens to be the one that is looked down the most at,one of the things i said in treatment was,if it werent for our kind many people in are society would be looking for new work,are society is at an epidemic level now,and it will get worse b4 it gets better,think about it,has anyone told you today your special,you are and i just did :thanks:gyco

[medic]

better off not having a spouse

Hi DLW,

I'm sorry you're in that situation. It sounds tough. You say you can't follow your spouse's path after 30 years of drinking because you can't control your own drinking. My response to that is, then don't drink at all.

The key here, I think, is communication. It's one thing wanting to keep your marriage but you need to be honest with your spouse. If your spouse is unsympathetic to your needs then they clearly need to be reconsidered as a spouse.

Drinking, in it's most benevolent form - the way all the alcohol companies secure our compliance with their industrial poisons - is a social lubricant not to be abused. For far too long it has been given this kind of benevolence by society in turn. Your spouse perhaps falls into this category of drinker.

Your spouse needs to be told that what you are experiencing is not this benevolent form of alcohol consumption but an addiction which is not helped by their open consumption in light of your problem. There is no need to feel your marriage would be threatened if your spouse cares more about you than alcohol.