Jealousy

[Holding On]

Hi everyone. This is probably a question for a therapist but I've gotten so much advice and encouragement here before that I thought I would just post this and see if anyone can relate. This sounds really petty and I'm ashamed to admit my feelings really: I have a sister who is very pretty, I am not. On a good day I can look ok I guess but I am simply not "the pretty one". I am forty three years old...I know that there are much more important things than beauty to be judged upon. But yesterday I went shopping with my sister and time after time, guys would stop and stare at her, and I almost hated her for it...Just once I would like to feel pretty...to not be overlooked. I look at her and then myself and try to see where the differences are so maybe I can fix what's wrong with my appearance. I am still holding on to my sobriety, finding it more difficult as the holidays approach, but I am looking forward to my first sober Christmas in 18 years. I realize this post sounds pathetic, I am just so tired of feeling this way.

[madmans]

Jealousy

Hi holding on great job being sober from feb. what one man finds pretty another will not just the same for women, we all have different likes and dislikes. it really is only skin deep, i know you have heard that before but its true. when you make a connection with the right person looks dont really matter

[fluff]

Jealousy

What a good answer, Madmans- I don't find men who others deem attractive, heart fluttering for me- it's just "'meh"-he's okay...personality and humor are far more attractive to me...

[Wally22]

Jealousy

Hey Holding ON
It's okay to feel a little jealous. Society judges us by a certain ideal and some of us are closer to that ideal than others. It's hard not to feel shortchanged. I know I tend to look at attractive people and judge myself against them. I also tend to check out how they have styled their hair, what makeup they're wearing, what clothes etc etc etc.
It's probably not our best trait, but hey, who's perfect anyway?????
Enjoy your sister for what she is, and try not to reflect on how her appearance compares to yours. In all likelihood you are being too hard on yourself in that department, but then again I think we all are. You have acknowledged it, now let it go!!!! You are 43 years old, you have people who love you and people who like you. They see someone they want to be with, give them a little credit.
Hugs

[one2many]

Jealousy

Finding your inner beauty while unleashing your outer goddess
Inner beauty is the one form we usually fail to recognize as the most important. Inner beauty cannot be surgically altered or injected with silicone, it cannot be transformed by makeup or a new fad diet, nor by the latest fashion trend or your financial state. While all of these might improve some areas of your life it can never truly define who we are as spiritual beings. Inner beauty is not bound by age, race or creed.

True inner beauty does not fade, it only gets better with time.

Why is that?

Because inner beauty is built on a foundation of character, it is the sanctuary of the soul. No one can alter the soul, you can deny it, you can mask it, you can hide from it, but you can never change the truth about who you are. And the truth is, you were born with a capacity for beauty on every level. But in order to experience it, you must first accept yourself for who you truly are. Thus being the hardest step of all. Accepting your flaws and weaknesses can be the very state that has placed you in self denial in the first place, however when you come to the place in your heart where you can stand before yourself and truly say I accept myself for all that I am, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, you have found your way to true inner strength and beauty. Peace will enviably follow you because you have lost your need to be something you aren’t in order to please others, or appear as something the world cons eves as more valuable.

External beauty is always heightened when someone is comfortable in their own skin, they allow their inner beauty to shine, they expose the lies of society with the truth of their soul. They do not allow society to tell them who they are. They know they are good enough, they are lovable, accepted, talented, gifted, favored and worthy of their dreams. And when they stumble they choose to rise again understanding that failure breeds success.

What is inner beauty?

It is the champion within us all, to rise, to fall, to seek, to stand, to love or to simply not love. We all have a soul and our soul is the rarest form of beauty. It exists without a need to be anything more then what it is.

We all know someone who can fill a room with their presence, they might not be the best looking, nor the smartest or even the richest, but they are the most spirited. Why? I believe it has a lot to do with inner beauty. They have removed the mask that most of us hide behind. The mask that we feel will help us to fit in, or sound important or give us an advantage. Inner beauty says, I’m good enough just as I am and I’m not afraid to be myself. We all deep down inside know this inner voice, this inner being which tries to expose itself, and when we let down our guard and allow this being to shine we feel at peace within ourselves, but insecurity and fear can cause us to run for the hills, forcing our being back into seclusion. Learning to accept and become comfortable with our true inner selves should be the quest of our existence. You are the only person you can be sure you will spend your entire life with, shouldn’t you learn to accept and adore yourself, instead of judging and sabotaging your beautiful being with negative self talk and hurtful comments about who you should be or could have been, or simply never will be.

Visualize for a moment...
Picture the last time you felt really beautiful. You felt you could accomplish anything. You looked in the mirror and what you saw made you feel alive. What did that look like? Where were you? What were you doing? And most importantly, would you like to experience that again?

What could you do right now that would bring you closer to that experience? Is it as simple as a new haircut? Gaining control of your nutritional values? Hitting a gym 3-4 days a week? Learning some new makeup trends? Cleaning out your closest? Speaking more positive affirmations to yourself? Learning to focus on the things you want, instead of the things you DON’T want?

I believe it’s possible to have the inner beauty of ones soul mirror our outer beauty. The more you choose to take care of yourself the better you will feel about yourself, not simply because you will look better, but there is an innate sense within each of us to care for our inner and outer beings. One does not exist without the other. You will always have a yearning to become a whole being. Servicing the self as a whole, lacking in nothing. You can spend all your time building a perfect appearance, and still lack any real depth within, just as you can become a selfless being who looks like they just stepped out of a time machine.

Why is the beauty industry so huge?

I believe it’s because people want to feel good. People want to look their best. We want to experience the depth of progression within ourselves. We want to live life to fullest. We are always on a quest for the discovery of infinite possibilities within new trends, styles, and fashion forward movements. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be beautiful. It’s who we are. It’s in our nature. We are driven by the desire to allure, attract, hunt, catch and conquer. Women love to allure a man just to watch his head spin, just as a man loves to be allured by a beautiful women.

But what is beauty?

Well that can be measured through many different scales. We’ve all heard the saying “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and that statement is very true. But no matter what we perceive as beautiful we never fully experience it until we are in alignment with our true selves. If we see our self as beautiful, that we will be. To align with anything less is to rob the soul of it’s right to exist, for it does not know how to be anything less, so you must first numb your being, then desensitize yourself in order to make the agreement that you are indeed NOT the true form God created you to be, there by assaulting your dearest friend; yourself. Why go through all the effort? Why not first agree with the truth, you are beautiful on every single level, I mean if you’re going to spend the time strewing over it, you might as well concentrate on something that will benefit you.

It is in our best interest to ask ourselves, what have I done to love myself today? How can I support myself in reaching my goals? You wouldn’t choose to be friends with someone who constantly put you down, or told you your dreams were impossible, so why would you consistently make agreements that puts yourself down? Shouldn’t you defend the ones you love?

I encourage you today....

To challenge yourself, accept yourself, believe in the infinite depth of your inner and outer beauty. You are the image of the world you create. The way you present yourself to your environment is the way the world will perceive you. Your actions will always mirror your experience. So give way to new possibilities. Allow life to flow from within.

This is your day to become the best version of you!

[Chillgirl]

Jealousy

Wow Oney great post!!

Holding - I know it sound like the ultimate cliche to say beauty is only skin deep but its sooo true. My best friend is stunningly beautiful and wherever we go out together the men always talk to her 1st and ask her for dates whereas i seemed to be overlooked. The funny thing is though that she never gets more that a couple of dates and things fizzle out. Men might be initally attracted to looks but very quickly its apparent that we have to gel on so many other levels to make a relationship work. Likewise I find that the attractive men dont stay attractive to me if I find I dont like their personality and the "not so good looking" ones become gorgeous to me when I find they are beautiful on the inside. Yes it does sound like a cliche but being beautiful inside is what matters.

If people, woman is particular, spent the same amount of energy and time improving themselves on the inside we would have far more real beauty in the world.

This is my 1st sober Christmas too and im just delighted to have clear sparkling eyes for a change.......:l

[medic]

Jealousy

Holdie,

I understand your point. Unfortunately, between the media and our genetics, attraction is usually nurtured along the primal lines of "beauty". Actually, maybe you should look at what your sister experiences as something more like a curse. Chances are men are looking at her because they want to have sex with her as opposed to get to know her.

It is one thing to be desired but another to be an object of sex. I think this attention she receives also taps into the maturity of her male admirers too; I know as I get older what I find beautiful in others is expanding. I can look at people twenty years older than me and can see physical beauty in them. This is something the twenty year old version of myself would never consider.

Whilst I may still be physically attracted to younger ladies, their personalities shine through much more obviously to me and can completely put me off them (contrary to perhaps what some women think generally about men - those men being some of the same type who stare at your sister).

Really, cheer up. Set your own parameters and stop looking at how the herd behave.

[fighting back]

Jealousy

Holding On;1026327 wrote: Hi everyone. This is probably a question for a therapist but I've gotten so much advice and encouragement here before that I thought I would just post this and see if anyone can relate. This sounds really petty and I'm ashamed to admit my feelings really: I have a sister who is very pretty, I am not. On a good day I can look ok I guess but I am simply not "the pretty one". I am forty three years old...I know that there are much more important things than beauty to be judged upon. But yesterday I went shopping with my sister and time after time, guys would stop and stare at her, and I almost hated her for it...Just once I would like to feel pretty...to not be overlooked. I look at her and then myself and try to see where the differences are so maybe I can fix what's wrong with my appearance. I am still holding on to my sobriety, finding it more difficult as the holidays approach, but I am looking forward to my first sober Christmas in 18 years. I realize this post sounds pathetic, I am just so tired of feeling this way.

I can really relate to this post. I always thought my sister was prettier, better, cleverer, she sat me down one night and told me she had always felt that way about me. Have you talked to her about how you feel, and (deeper) hav you really thought about your self-esteem issues?

[Holding On]

Jealousy

Hi everyone...just wanted to say thank you for all your replies...each one really gave me something to think about and helped a lot. @ Fighting Back, I haven't talked to her about how I feel...when I think about doing so it somehow seems to validate in my own mind how pathetic I am...got to love that inner voice. It's funny, I posted some Christmas pics on Facebook and a few people said how great I look...I've lost 50 lbs since quitting drinking...and an uncle I rarely see said I am a beautiful girl...it was nice to hear but I can't accept it. I do have major self-esteem issues...On the bright side I had a very nice sober Christmas...it wasn't as difficult as I had feared...not that there weren't moments. But I am very thankful for my sobriety. I wish everyone a safe, joyful and sober New Year!

[lil.michelle]

Jealousy

Hunni, i just want to give you a hug, a big big hug. It must be very hard to feel that way. I personally believe a lot in inner beauty and the beauty in peoples personalities being a lot more important than someones looks.
Do you feel pretty when you're not with your sister?
Sometimes when i feel ugly, i go get my hair coloured and re styled into something completely different or i simply get my nails done (extensions) and i feel much better about myself. Also, i bet you get lots of looks you're just not aware of it. Funny thing is, shove any women in a mini skirt and high heals, most men would look *lol* (many women too)
I'm sorry this isn't an indebth post, i've read what everone else has said and i completely agree.