Do you believe in enabling?

[Bean]

I don't.

When I talk to people about my problem with alcohol, they always tell me to call them if i have a craving. But it doesn't work like that. If I don't want to drink, even if i have it in the house, i won't. And if I want to and don't have any around, I will go and get some. I never want to be talked out of it.

That said, I have an on/off boyfriend who knows about my problem. He drinks too but not to excess and can stop after a couple of beers. He did stop me the other night when I was about to have another glass of wine. But usually lets me continue. I don't know if that constitutes enabling?

Interested to hear others thoughts on this.
Bean

[mario]

Do you believe in enabling?

Many times when family and friends try to "help" alcoholics, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.
This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of his/her actions. This in turn allows the alcoholic to continue merrily along his /her drinking ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.

What is the difference between helping and enabling? There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, here is a simple description:

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.

Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.
As long as the alcoholic has his/her enabling devices in place, it is easy for him/her to continue to deny they have a problem -- since most of there problems are being "solved" by those around them. Only when they are forced to face the consequences of there own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become.
Some of these choices are not easy for the friends and families of alcoholics. They require "detachment with love." But it is love. Unless the alcoholic is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his drinking has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.

[Pride before Fall]

Do you believe in enabling?

Hi Bean,

He did stop me the other night when I was about to have another glass of wine. But usually lets me continue. I don't know if that constitutes enabling? >>

To me, stopping you from drinking was more the enabling behavior, since it was something you can/should do yourself. Letting you drink wasn't helping, but it allowed you to experience the consequences of that choice (hangover, shame, sweats, shakes, whatever).

[Doggygirl]

Do you believe in enabling?

I'm no expert on what is considered "enabling" and what is not. But here is a couple cents worth regarding Mr. Doggy's way of supporting me in my sobriety. (He is a totally normal drinker who can take it or leave it, and usually leaves it.)

Even though he is fully capable of having ONE drink, he NEVER does when he is with me. NEVER. I cannot drink and therefore, he doesn't either when he is with me. It's not something we have ever talked about. But it's sure something I appreciate. He saves his occassions for the odd beer for when he is with his guy friends. It goes without saying there is no AL in our house.

I too can and did go to the liquor store when there wasn't booze at home. However the advantage in my opinion to living in a "dry" house is that I will have to go to some extra effort to get booze if I decide I want a drink. That buys me time to really think about it.

I relapsed when there was Vodka in the cupboard. What on earth was I thinking?

Calling a friend does the same thing - buys a little time.

Of course nothing will stop either of us if we decide we really want to drink.

Our loved ones typically do not know WHAT to do to support us in our efforts to stop. Or they deny the problem too. Unless a person has grappled with an obsession like this one, they have no idea what it's like. My husband overcame a different addiction so while he is a "normie" when it comes to AL, he understands obsession / compulsion with addictive drugs.

DG

[byebyebridgetjones]

Do you believe in enabling?

Yes I do believe in enabling, Bean.
I had a so-called best friend who didn't want to lose her drinking buddy, and would apply extremely overt measures to get me to stay and drink. I worked out the hard way that she was NO friend.
Other people rather enjoy the 'show' that we put on when out of control. Perhaps it makes them feel superior, although this is highly questionable, as is their character.
I think the most insidious form of enabling is to ignore the emerging addiction. Maybe people don't see it as their role to intervene, or feel they won't cope with the reaction from the alcoholic.
There's no two ways about it, the enabler is in a difficult position as well.
This Christmas I will be confronting a person close to me who's life is crumbling due to alcohol and prescription drug addiction. It won't be pretty, but then, I won't be an enabler will I ?

[medic]

Do you believe in enabling?

Hi Bean!

Enabling is a strange thing. I think it is somewhat a maturity issue in terms of our own self-growth. We do what we want to do and will welcome the enabler when we want them.

It is possible to have two enablers enabling each other; that is why I dropped my best male friend, because we were enabling each other and I think my decision made his wife relieved because I've never heard any complaints by phone when we ceased hanging around together.

It is also possible, sadly, to have that enabler "friend" who doesn't give a shit about you and still doesn't have the same alcohol problem as you. Those people should be out of your life asap. Judgemental? No.

Your survival depends on it.

[KateH1]

Do you believe in enabling?

I definitely believe that enabling is all around an addict. Quite often "enablers" see themselves as being "supportive" or "non-judgmental" when in fact this either enables or in some way gives the addict permission of sorts to continue the addictive behaviors.

I really like the point made by Pride before the fall.....about letting the drinker suffer the consequences for their own actions. In the long run, this can be life saving!

Just my thoughts on this topic!

[TheSunFlower]

Do you believe in enabling?

Its been said

But enabling comes in funky ways. Someone who does not want to face their own issues...so they dismiss our bad behavior. A phone call with a friend....who I talk to drunk....and they dismiss the behavior. Or encourage it....I'd heard it all....the last best one was ..."well, some of our best ideas come out of drinking". Of course this person does not know the level of my drinking...and would easily dismiss it as "out of character" for me.

And I am sure normies....enjoy the release....and be done with it. Maybe they do come up with some good ideas while drinking....I just have not really had that experience.

Sometimes people enable us...without knowing it....and it fuels us. This is when it is dangerous for us (me). Most think its ok to have a bad night here and there. And when I hear stories of a bad night...it fuels me. Until I understand this happens to them 1x a year...not nightly.

[Guest]

Do you believe in enabling?

Would you say rushing around whenever someone thinks you are having a relapse[again], to talk to you is an enabling behaviour?

I have had friends over the years who have done this and I now discourage it because I think it gets me 'attention', not to mention there isn't much point talking to me if I am under the influence or even recovering since I'm not in a sensible state of mind.

[QuitinTime]

Do you believe in enabling?

My bride doesn't think I have an issue. So there is no qualms about me knocking down as much as I'd like. She thinks I'm being a hypochondriac about it. As I am about other stuff to some extent. Makes it very difficult. So basically damned if I do and damned if I don't.