Friends

[Wagoneer]

I always here about people having to change the people they hang out with - the friends who drink, party etc. I never really had to do that since I don't have a huge ciricle of friends, mostly lots of family to hang out wth who don't really drink. But I have one friend who I had strange conversation with last night. She lived a few doors down a few years ago and was a big influence in the escalation of my wine consumption (althought she did not force me of course!). She thankfully moved last year, but of course I kept drinking. She was way too much drunk drama anyway. She called to say Happy New Year etc and told me that she would be having a party at the end of January. It would be a "wine tasting" which just means that her friend that owns some liquor store down the street will provide all the free wine. She said I could stay the night - she lives three hours away now. I said that I would not really need to stay since I am no longer drinking. She said "again?? WHATEVER." and her tone changed dramatically. She kept saying "well you don't have to drink alot" (she is a 2-3 bottle a day drinker) and "that's stupid, just don't worry about it"....I finally told her that no matter what she thinks, I am sober now whether she likes it or not. I told her my reasons, but then realized that throughout the conversation she was drinking wine and her words were slurring. It made me kind of sad that the only thing really we ended up having in common was wine. So this is what people are talking about when they say that you will need to change your friends....

[brightlite]

Friends

Aww Wagon,

I had a neighbor girlfriend exactly like that. She moved in after her divorce/separation. Our kids were the same age and genders. We hit it off immediately. She was a smart, funny lady and I liked hanging out with her. I was still married at the time. We drank together on Wednesday nights, Friday Nights, sometimes Saturday, Halloween, Christimas, Easter....you name it. We became drinking buddies and even excluded other neighbor moms from joining up. Not that they wanted to, I'm sure as they were not winos.

We have both since had several moves. I divorced, she is on marriage number 4. We only have an occasion hello on facebook. I don't know if she still is drinking, I get the feeling she has toned it down.

It is sad that your friend's life is still revolving around wine and drinking. Maybe you will inadverdently inspire her and she will come back to you for advice. I'm sure you will help her as much as you can...cause that's the kind of person you are.

BL

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Friends

Hi Wag, your drinking buddy was probably sitting there half cut, thinking what is wrong with this woman? I know my thinking got totally distorted when I was drinking heavily and wanted others to keep me company. I couldnt count the time I have lost in my life to drunken BS talk in a pub with so called friends who really have nothing in common with me except the desire not to drink alone like some saddo.
You have done the right thing, the only thing you could, for you. Hopefully it might spark a line of thought in your friend to the effect that there is another way and it can be done. You will probably find it easier to make friends now, people whom we have more in common with, those who can see life clearly and not through a fog of AL.

[KundaliniGirl]

Friends

Wag - I have a girlfriend that I've parted company with because she is such a heavy drinker. I told her what I am doing now and we just both agreed that it would be better that we didn't get together. I am glad, really. The basis for the relationship revolved around al, so there is really no loss in not having her in my life anymore.

I am having lunch Monday with a woman who doesn't drink. She will be my first nondrinking friend ever! I'm anxious to have someone in my life like that.

KG

[Chillgirl]

Friends

Waggy I hope you are not going to get together with this girl. Sadly when we drink excessively we love others to do the same as it validates our behavior and fuels the denial we live in.

I was totally prepared to lose friends when I quit but I soon realized most weren't big drinkers and it had always been me instigating the "one more drink" routine. The ones who were I now see much less but I do think they respect my decision.

[choice]

Friends

Hi Wagon,
Yeah, I think this is exactly the type of relationship to avoid at the moment. It would make me sad too. I don't think you should go to this wine tasting party 3 hours away from home. It doesn't sound like you will be in a supportive environment for what your trying to do right now. Good for you in being honest with your friend and giving her a chance to understand. It is sad that she just has tunnel vision for the wine right now and is taking your friendship for granted. I hate how AL can come between relationships. It is just a brutal fact. Hopefully you guys can plan something healthy to do together in the future.
:l:h

[RudyB]

Friends

I had a friend, well, have, with whom i used to drink a bunch. we had a sloppy summer together, when she lived with me. she has since moved in with her boyfriend and gone sober, is going to nursing school and getting her life on track. sadly, she lost custody of her daughter to the girl's wicked father. his rationale, the mother is unstable and has an untreated drinking problem (somewhat true, but not anymore; too late. now there's a five year old with no mommy).

why am i telling this story? well, the subject of friends. now she is too busy for me, interesting, and it's really not about the drinking. she almost always used to drink much more than i, and i held myself somewhat superior to her for it; i didn't drink to pass out, for example. i didn't have sex with friend's husbands and take drugs. how righteous i was! i'm glad she's sober. funny that she would turn into an example for me to follow. ya just never know. and i sure am glad i haven't lost my son because of booze. i was headed that way. yikes. there are many things for which to be thankful. i'm thankful that i got out by the skin of my teeth! day two sober, and counting.

btw, i need new friends, now that i'm done isolating. i feel like this forum is a great place to start, so thank you.
rudyb

[KundaliniGirl]

Friends

:welcome: Rudy! Nice to meet you.

Choice, are you still broken up with your boyfriend? I've been away for a while and was just wondering.

I hate how AL can come between relationships. It is just a brutal fact.

KG (aka Choochie)

[allswell]

Friends

Wagoneer,

When we strive to improve our lot we need to think of what is best for ourselves and the rest can take care of itself. No one knows what is best for you other than yourself and anyone who is a real friend will not minimize important decisions you make for yourself. Perhaps one day this former neighbor may see the light.

[Wagoneer]

Friends

Thanks everyone. I won't go down there to visit, probably ever. When I was telling her my reasons for stoppint the drink, I could tell that some of it resonated with her. Maybe someday she will cut back or stop because as it is now, her life continues a ridiculous crazy spiral. I can only hope that something changes before she does something really stupid. Probably not though. When I was hanging up the phone yesterday, I thought to myself "I wlil probably never see her again." and I actually felt peaceful. Sad, but peaceful. I will keep it to phone calls and emails. Don't need that kind of influence in my life for sure. You guys made me feel so much better (like always). Thanks again sweet friends.

[Zeppie2]

Friends

Hiya Wag - KT is right - you may not have a lot in common with your friend now that you are not drinking. True friends will still want to hang out with you whether you have a drink in your hand or not.

[byebyebridgetjones]

Friends

Hi Wag.
I always relate to your posts
I was a quintessential 'party girl' for so long that almost every one of my friends was an alcohol frequent flyer. I also had some very controlling and manipulative folk around me who must have known that I had a problem, but gained a certain sense of superiority through seeing me lose control, and were heavily invested in that. So naturally enough they would try to recruit me back to that situation as their 'little drinking buddy'.

Now. Only one person is responsible for me, and that's me. Consequently all of the above was the result of my poor decision making over a very long time, not theirs.
But part of our fresh start here is surrounding ourselves with like minded people who nourish and don't drain us. Lots of my old friendships have gone by the wayside, and that's just life.

I will be actively seeking out people who are a better fit for me friendship wise this year.

I will still have to endure drunk phone calls from relatives and friends, which I once found funny, and now find boring, irrational and irritating. But I'm in control of when the phone goes down.

I'm so glad you're not going to that party. What could it possibly have to offer the new you ?

Bridget

[choice]

Friends

I think you've made a smart decision not to go. I really agree with allswell. I just think it's really great wagon that you were honest with your friend. You never know, she may think about what you've said and in the future it could help her down the road. For now though I think it's fantastic that you are at peace and are choosing to protect yourself from that kind of influence.

Hiya Choochie aka Kundalin good to see you back on the boards. :h I'm in Mexico for 3 months staying with my mother. I'm in contact with my fiance who is now going to AA. I think it is good that we are apart at this time. After NYE he talked with me the next day and came to terms with the fact he can't moderate. He did okay for a while, and I felt like I'd made a mistake leaving him. I felt harsh not accepting that he wanted to moderate. He could do 30 AF days, 45 AF days, 6 months AF ... all very impressive... so I wondered if I was just up tight. Now I'm glad I was honest and firm. I love hearing about his experiences in AA. I was always too chicken to go. Overall, I'm very happy that I took a chance and did what was right for myself. I feel so strong that I put my sobriety first even over the love of my life. He's going to visit me in 6 weeks. For now... I'm just happy to totally focus on myself and my recovery. I think it's cool that you are moderating now. I hope it goes well for you. :l

[KundaliniGirl]

Friends

Choice, so glad to hear your update. Wagon, not meaning to hijack your thread, but was interested to hear about Choice's situation with her fiance.

Wow, C - you were certainly brave. I really admire what you did because you're talking serious rest-of-your-life potential problems if you don't get this worked out before you get married. Sounds like taking dramatic measures was the thing to do. I really hope it works out for you. Things do have a way of turning out like they should even if we can't always see it at the time.

Wag, sounds like you've made a good choice also (no pun intended with our Choice's name.)

xx,
KG