confession

[spuddleduck]

i have to confess. i dont like talking about this which is why i havent posted it but i feel i should put it out there as yet another example of why not to drink. ive had a few bad binges lately. my last one i got myself upset (over nothing no doubt) felt useless, down, everyone hates me etc etc etc. and took a huge amount of insulin (im diabetic) writing message on my mirror in lipstick about how sorry i was blah blah blah. but i couldnt go on. to cut a long story short, mr spuds found me and we spent all night feeding me sugar so i wouldnt go into a coma. now i feel utterly disgusted at myself about this, it happened in the past before i tried to cut down and i ended up in hospital twice, being assessed etc etc. THIS IS PURELY DOWN TO DRINK. did i want to die, i guess at the time i did. was it a cry for attention, i dont think so cos i dont need attention, i have friends, family, mwo, absolutely no reason to feel alone in anyway at all. it scares me that i can get this way through drink. im naturally a bit negative but when im sober there is no way in the world i would think like this. EVIL EVIL EVIL ALCOHOL. im sure people here who know me, know that im usually quite upbeat and chirpy (tweet tweet). that my whole outlook can change so drastically in drink is very very scary and i should need no other reason to realize that i can not safely have one drink as this is where it can lead.

[JackieClaire]

confession

Spudders,
That's a real wake up call to any one. Mr Spuds must have been worried out of his tree.

Sweetheart, it is time to get deadly serious. I would strongly suggest you fess up to your GP. We can only help so far here but mixing Al and other drugs is so dangerous. Get back to your counsellor, start writing your drinks diary and do whatever it takes to get sober and stay sober.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

confession

Spuds I agree with JC, use this for the wake up call it is. What would have happened if Mr Spuds had not found you? I shudder to think. You are a smart, intelligent, funny lady and you deserve better than this but it's up to you to make it happen. It scares me to think where this will end if you don't stop the madness. Please make today the first day of your new life.

[greeneyes]

confession

Spuddie, I agree with JC. It's time to kick it up a notch and get yourself under control.

[spuddleduck]

confession

hi jc. gp knows about the past episodes. thats how i came to 'fess up' in the first place. had cbt councelling etc. he gave me lots of good reading about self esteem issues but i found it really hard to talk to him as my sober mind is so different to my drunk mind. my sober mind talking to him couldnt even think about getting into the dark places my drunk mind goes so i found it difficult to relate to the questions he was asking. also the drink shrink, although very nice and helpful didnt really do more for me than being here. and a know it all in my sober head anyway. bloody ridiculous i know. onwards and upwards for me

[mama bear]

confession

Jeez Spuddle..you have scared the shit out of me. Please keep fighting or you may lose the fight......

[JackieClaire]

confession

Well Spuds,
I'm at a loss to know what to suggest. Just with an alcohol problem on top of a medical condition needs more help than the on-line support we can give here.

[spuddleduck]

confession

jc, its just the alcohol problem that im here for. and of course get a huge amount of help for. i know about my diabetes inside and out... its just that i go loopy loo drinking. if drinking is out of the equation everythings fine.... oh dont we all know that so well. the problem with this episode and the others previously is easy access to a horrible way out. as i said.. this is sooo not me in my normal thinking and i feel really uncomfortable admitting my stupidity.
thanks for your suggestions, i certainly wasnt dissing them. i just kinda thought admitting to my stupidity throw more light (as if we need any) on the crazyness of this demon.

[spuddleduck]

confession

oh and by the way. i dont know if ive been mis understood. this was over a week ago. im not in a crisis now or anything. it just took me a while to get my big girls pants on and admit it

[Wagoneer]

confession

Spuds - I am so so so sorry to hear that this happened. You need to get intensive help - like JC said, more than we can give you here. There is alot more going on than just the drink - it's what made you drink to this point which is scary. You are loved and we care what happens to you. Please do whatever it is you need to do and involve your family so they know what to do as well. Blessings to you and please keep strong. We need you around.

[rebirth]

confession

Hey spuds,
wow...that was really brave of you to share that. My sister is a diabetic but she doesnt drink though. Still, she has her fair share of fighting demons. I guess we all do. ..

I use to wake up the next morning not believing the way I behaved on alcohol. Ugh. Makes me cringe even now. Kick it in the ass Spud. x

[Chillgirl]

confession

Spuds - I know we arent qualified to help you with the self esteem issues but I reckon getting sober, i mean really sober does wonders for self worth and it would be a great stepping stone for you. There are so many things we bury in the bottle which being AF makes us face up to, I think you could be amazed how much better you feel about yourself with some good AF time under your belt.

Doggygirl used a phrased the other day which I thought was brilliant and that was that "we would love you until you loved yourself",
that is one thing we can do for you :l

[Ringing Cedars]

confession

Hey Spuddles~~
Firstly, I think you are very brave to be honest about your thoughts and actions and I believe it is a cry for help, both the action and coming clean looking for support. I think that we will never know how many people that helps. I love the words Chill posted: "we would love you until you loved yourself". I hope that I continue to get that love as I try to figure myself out and completely love me too.
There are so many things we bury in the bottle which being AF makes us face up to, I think you could be amazed how much better you feel about yourself with some good AF time under your belt.
Spuddles, you claim to be quite bubbly and outgoing on the one hand but also tend to be negative by nature-all when sober. It's a bit of a conundrum that I identify with. It is when I've become extremely drunk that I go to the dark place that I have been covering up rather well sober. I think this is also why some people get sober but are still depressed/out of sorts and turn to anti-depressants-because we still need to dig deep to uncover and heal the pain we hold inside. Some of this pain we are probably not even aware of.
So I think that unresolved issues, coupled with blood sugar problems and current stress make our brains get pretty crazy when we add booze and mix. Depending on the level and frequency of alcohol intake, some of us get "crazier" than others due to the extent of neuropathic and neuroreceptor site changes that have taken place.
So for me, I believe I need to give myself some significant af time along with a complete commitment to feeding my body healthy food, spiritual/emotional/physical food to heal my brain. Simply taking the alcohol away is not enough. Personally, I struggle with abstinence forever, as I have not had an al issue forever and still have many memories of normal, fun times with friends. My behaviour becomes unpredictable at times now and I will not be in denial of that either.
At the end of the day Spuds, only we can truly assess what it is we need and it is our responsibility to do our best to get it to live a fulfilling life. I wish you success in investigating and pro-actively claiming all that you need to heal that dark place. I hope I?ve made sense with my ramblings.:l

[spuddleduck]

confession

thanks peeps for your thoughts on this. im on ad's which obviously are useless if i drink on them.
rc-wonderful post. yes i know there are issues i need to sort out... nothing serious but i know vaguely where they come from and do try to work through things. when i had 3 months sober last year my head was like a different place. i was genuinely seeing the sunny side in things rather than just trying to see the sunny side. so yes, i do know what the answer is. nothing ever gets resolved through the haze of booze.

[sunshine_gg]

confession

Oh Spuds :l

Here for you and wishing you enormous strength and success.