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[medic]

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Hi Mads,

that reads like a tough situation. I would recommend a choice then reinforcement. If your wife is having trouble with you new you it's a matter of time before she'll have that trouble because she will start to see you as someone who consistently doesn't drink.

In many ways it can feel comfortable, despite our alcohol issues, to have our significant other be someone who resets your decision to abstain because it lets us off the hook if we want to indulge. It wouldn't be a bad idea to put anybody in their place when they can't accept a choice. I mean it's not wrong to get pissed off.

My girlfriend doesn't know I come here. She can't really relate to alcohol problems; she hardly drinks. I've told her I have problems with alcohol but when I try to explain it more she gets bewildered. Anyway, for me it's not really anything to do with her. The important thing, I think, is for you to create your new way of life without alcohol and kind of ignore anything which threatens that.

It's so important to live for your health and if that means saying to the wife, no I'm not going round to the friends for drinks because I'm an alcoholic, so be it.

[Zeppie2]

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hiya Mads - all the above comments are right - I just got off the phone with my mum who is really worried about my sis in law who obviously is an alcoholic (I haven't seen her for years). In all our conversation I was waiting for mum to say "what did you do, you are an alcoholic" but she never did. I had a year completely sober and am now back on track again after a binge after a break up.

Surely my parents know I am an alcoholic, I just don't think they want to admit it, it took a year before they stopped offering me alcohol - this year at christmas they had brought me a great selection of non -al drinks. Yahoo - I don't think non alchies can ever understand what we feel

[startingover]

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jennyneric;1035166 wrote: Madmans, my husband drinks and our computer is in the livingroom so he watches me on here all night. I have replaced tv with MWO! He to said " you can have one or two" on xmas eve. I just said "no I can't " and that was that. I'm sorry you're having a hard time but you know what to do! One foot infront of the other ODAT

This is me to a T. My hubs didnt get it despite seeing me at my worst on a number of occasions. I think they dont like to admit we have a problem. However after 2 years sober he definitely does NOT want me to go back to my old habits, if I joke about having a drink he really gets quite stroppy...
I just had to plod on in the early days and be absolutely firm (with myself) what I was going to do with my life...
Good luck Madmans.

[mollyka]

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Wow Madmans my prob is exactly the opposite. My hubs has taken this over as HIS problem, so much so that I feel like a bold child wanting to rebel against him - how stupid is that! Have to say I agree with Medic, would rather have your prob than mine! As regards getting back on track after a binge - it is harder each time, but just to be aware of that fact and that after a week or so you'll be back on track is half the battle - deffo helps me. As regards this site my hubs was not keen at the beginning (surprise surprise) however when it came to me meeting up face to face with some members here last year he turned a corner and realised I wasn't just staring at a screen talking to all sorts of 'nutters' (his thoughts, not mine) he now thinks it's a great idea.
This is for you MM, always remember that - I'm only really truly learning that now - albeit in a round about way
Molly

[JackieClaire]

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Madders,
Mr JC knows all about this site and every now and again I'll point out a post that is pertinent to my problem, actually so do my kids. When we were over in Ireland Mr JC has met 3 members from here. It's vital to my recovery that he knows I need MWO time.

We both remember all too well the quivering wreck that he came home to on the 5th July 2009 and both of us would do anything not to relive the horror of that day. I was a mess and about 30 minutes away from pulling all the pills I could grab out of the cabinet. To this day I'll never know why he got home when he did, why I waited but I think I have a guardian angel somewhere.

He is a completely normal drinker a few pints with the lads on a Friday, but he never drinks in the house now unless we have friends over. He misses his old drinking buddy that would sit in the boozer on a Saturday afternoon watching the football but that is a thing of the past.

I'm doing this for myself but at the end of the day I literally couldn't bare the look of disappointment and sadness in his face if I ever had another drink.

[Wagoneer]

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Oh friend, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. It is hard when your other half does not understand what you're going through. My husband seriously lacks the sympathy gene when in comes to ANYTHING - he says "I am a guy, I fix things" but he has no idea what a struglle addiction is and he never will he is not wired that way. He can have a beer or 10 or none at all, it doesn't matter to him. He is the most non-addictive person I know, thankfully for me I guess. I wish he understood though. I expect that one day he will walk through the door with a bottle of wine for me thinking that he was doing something nice for me. He will never ever get it. I hope she comes around. It is stressful when you have someone who does not understand and sabotages your efforts to be sober. It makes one feel very alone. But you are not alone. Anyway, you are in my thoughts friend. You can do this. We love you Madmans!

[madmans]

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thanks everyone for the replies it helped me make my mind up, what i did was showed her this thread/ web site . to have her understand(try to understand) what this is like ,will help me so mrs madman will be lurking some were some time, (god help us all )

[jennyneric]

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Well if you are lurking Mrs Madmans welcome and read up! I'm glad you found a solution madmans!

[greeneyes]

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Welcome, mrs madmans! My suggestion would be to never offer a drink or a situation to drink regardless of you level of understanding. Just set that boundary and accept and honor it. Then let understanding come as it may.

[KundaliniGirl]

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MM - Choochie here - changed my "identity" to reflect my recently found love of yoga!

My husband knows of this site and supports me fully. He has stopped drinking at home so I'm not tempted. It's helped me trememdously!

Just wanting you to know that we are here for you and wishing you the best. You've made a lot of progress, so just remember that. Everyone here who has had success has also had trials and tribulations.

xx,
KG
p.s. Hi to your significant other - MM is a great guy who has helped many here - we are very fond of him.

[Mish]

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That must have taken some real courage, madmans, and I take my hat off to you for taking the plunge.
Mrs Madmans, welcome to MWO. You'll find lots of funny, creative, intelligent people here all struggling with a problem you very happily have never experienced. AL has a grip on us and has led to us having tremendous deep-seated feelings of remorse, shame, hopelessness and worthlessness. It's horrible. As you read and learn from this wonderful community, you'll gain insight into the battle we have with what we refer to as The Beast and our Demons. Aptly named. As you do, you'll come to appreciate what a strong man madmans is and you'll be really proud of how he's addressing the problem with the goal of making your lives better.
Best wishes on your journey together.

[spuddleduck]

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very interesting thread. mr spuds has mostly been behind me all the way. in fact he begged me to address my drinking issues a long time before i admitted i had a problem. even taking this into account though he has often suggested i could have a drink on special occassions.... or once a month etc etc. Like jc says.. he maybe misses his party buddy when im sober..... but he sure as hell doesnt miss the awful person i become drinking. its true that alcoholism also affects those close to us.

[momof3]

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Hi Madmans,

I will only echo/reinforce what others have said. If you don't have a problem with alcohol, it is hard to understand. My husband never confronted me on my huge drinking problem. I don't think he knew what to do nor did he know how bad it was. And, there were no huge consequences for him. I was a miserable person when I was drinking but the bills still got paid, the house was cleaned, homework was done, etc. At the end of the day, however, I drank myself to sleep every night and woke up with a hangover.

If I said I was going to have a drink on New Year's eve, my husband would probably not even question it. So, I have to be very careful and connect with others who know what it is like to have a problem with alcohol. My husband did end up going to a couple of Alanon meetings and I think that was helpful for him. But, he still doesn't get it and I accept that now. I think that there was some payoff for hiim when I drank because he could carry on with some of his own dysfunctional and unhealthy behaviors. Not so much now. It has caused a lot of conflict in our marriage. He does not have a drinking problem and is not one to drink alot so I am not faced with a spouse who likes to party. I am grateful for that because I know some folks on this thread have this issue.

M3