Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

medic;1036008 wrote: This is wagoneer's question to answer but I feel somewhat responsible to answer it since I called this guy a "tube" first, which is the same thing as a "tool" in the U.S.

BC, you said this: I met this guy I thought was really nice, respectful, intelligent and...hot...a couple of days ago. We went out for dinner and had a nice time. He then drove me home and parked his car, got out his phone and asked me if he could have my number.

You had dinner and he asked for your number. If he wasn't in to you he shouldn't have led you on by asking for your number. Even if he was just being nice, he failed to communicate on the level with you and left it too ambiguous. This is what has dented your self-esteem.

Best wishes,

med+c

True. Thanks. My poor old self-esteem was already fragile and I just feel very bad now. It's hard to live with the thought that somebody finds me quite so severely ugly :upset:

[medic]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

re: It's hard to live with the thought that somebody finds me quite so severely ugly

BC,

Please don't jump to this conclusion. It's not helpful for your self-esteem. You really need to stop thinking this is all about you. The guy is a tube, tool, whatever. That he can't communicate shows he is incapable of being authentic. Why base your own self-esteem on his actions? The guy is daft!

Hugs,

med+c

[mylife]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Breaking--this silly man is SO not important in the story of your life! But breaking your sobriety is. Really, I know it seems like a really big deal now, but when things like that happen to me, I have learned to believe it wasn't meant to be, and continue to focus on positive things in my life. Harder said than done in the moment, but when you look back on this maybe a month from now you won't even remember why you were upset!

Hang in there and stay positive for YOU!

[medic]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

It should also be said that this guy texted you back such sensitive information. He never had the decency to tell you to your face or even by phone. This is the actions of a cowardly, disrespectful man (actually manboy).

Take courage and satisfaction in the knowledge that you avoided getting into anything serious with someone so immature.

m

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

everyone's responses are so heartfelt and real and true!
BTC,
i'll add that he sounds honest and the 'in which case i'll feel silly' part is kind of endearing and suggests a bit of humility. he's probably just scared. don't take it personally. rule number 1!
and don't let it get to you. i'm 41 now, single, freshly broken-up, sober five days, and i'm haunted by moments in my history -many, many of them- when i drank about some guy who now means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to me. had i gone through those little bumps sober, imagine what kind of growth i might've experienced! and i sure know that i would've been decidedly more attractive to whomever next might've rounded the corner (as there will always be someone round that corner). a sober, grounded, self-loving person is far more appealing than a drunk.
chin up, dear!
rudyb

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

i do feel a little silly for calling him honest,now that i've read the others' posts that i didn't see before. they make very good points. he sounds confused. best, as the others say, not waste ANY energy on this one. and my gosh, i repeat self and others, it will not mean a thing in a short time. promise. by contrast, your sobriety will continue to support you. you who are surely NOT ugly, nor are your appearances WHO YOU ARE. stick around for someone straightfoward and clear. he'll be along.

[medic]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Rudy,

don't feel silly for saying he was being somewhat honest because there is a hair of truth in that statement and I can tell you are trying to be positive about the matter. That being said, I'm glad to read your additional post.

[newme2011]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

WHOA, this is what you said he texted:
"Regards a coffee - yes I can, but just in case I should mention I'm not dating at the moment - maybe that's not what you had in mind (in which case I feel silly) but just thought it best to mention."
Translation:
Yes I can meet for coffee When he said he was not dating at the moment that meant he wasn't dating anyone regularly. So he wants you to know that maybe you would be interested in something MORE than a cup of coffee. If that's not the case he feels silly.

I think you misread this and are overacting and maybe using this as a reason to have a drink?

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

medic,
you're kind. i'm thinking that with my sobriety my self-esteem will grow. i am so quick to second-guess myself. i think many of us problem drinkers have really eroded a fundamental belief in our own goodness. looking forward to shedding the need to always say and do things "just-so."
rudyb

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

in response to what newme just said:
beware the printed word! so many possible interpretations. best to deal with delicate matters face to face. short of that, don't interpret. and definitely don't drink over it. one misplaced comma can change the whole meaning of a sentence. words have no intonation. keep your sobriety.

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

zenstyle you're hilarious

[nancy]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

dealing with rejection

Hi Breaking
Your thread really touched me. I feel sorry that you feel so bad about this. I don't agree that he is a tube or tool or led you on. The first date is always a trial run. He obviously likes you as he wants to see you again but it sounds like he is just not into you romantically. It's never easy to reject someone so I think his line of "i'll feel silly" was actually good. You could have written back something jokey in response like you should feel silly.

I think you feel bad because he lied to you, said he wasn't dating when he is. Well it sounds like he was trying to smooth over an awkward situation.

But the most important thing here is that you really need to work on how you deal with rejection. That's been a big issue for me, huge in fact. I never would think I was ugly but I would feel like there was something horribly undesirable about me inside, which is almost worse in a way, and it would take me a long time to recover. Ha ha, just had an idea maybe you should focus on some personality defect instead! Totally just joking.

Attraction is so incredibly fickle. You could be gorgeous and still be rejected. Some of it's objective of course. But a lot of it really is personal. It's a wonderful gift to be able to accept rejection and to give it with grace where necessary. A therapist could help you with this.

Good luck and don't resort to drinking.

[medic]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Zen and Rudy,

I understand the irony/sentiment but I don't really find this funny.

Our girl is upset.... a little tact please.

m

[medic]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

It's apparent to me you're not being serious enough Zen. Lets just agree to disagree.

[medic]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Maybe not everybody shares your sense of humour Zen. I'm just trying to look out for our girl. Let her decide what is funny. It's her thread after all.