Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

[Mish]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

nancy;1036198 wrote: Mish, she has been off booze.

Nancy, I know, I acknowledged that in my post and I'm delighted BTC isn't drinking. However, the title of her thread is "Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free."
I'm only trying to help her see that by picking up that drink now, she's only going to perpetuate feelings of worthlessness. And she really deserves much better. When we've had alcohol issues it's all easy to reach for the bottle when we're feeling down, but it can help to be reminded that it really doesn't solve anything, just speeds up the downward spiral.
I'd hate to see BTC miss out on the real possibilities life can offer her. This guy was never a real possibility so he's not really the problem she needs to worry about.

[Bean]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Hey BTC
Another few quick comments before bed...

One of my teachers has a saying: "your mind is a bullshit machine". Just remember that!! Our minds feed us crap ALL DAY LONG and it is up to us what we choose to believe or not. Sounds like you need some help to work on your self esteem because even though I don't know you or what you look like, I would stake a very high bet that you are way more attractive, worthy and loveable than you are giving yourself credit for.

The other important thing you flagged up was that you haven't been on a date for so long that when this 'averagely' attractive man showed interest, you were all systems go. There is no shame or embarrassment in feeling like that. Hell, thank god you still HAVE feelings - some people have numbed themselves SO much with AL that they can't feel anything, much less express it any more.

I was in a similar situation to you a while back and decided to try internet dating. I didn't meet anyone that I had a relationship with but I did meet some really decent men and made a couple of friends that I am still in contact with. Just getting used to hanging out and talking with men was great for my confidence. Ironically I then met my boyfriend in a bar and struck up conversation because I wasn't feeling so much angst about what the whole interaction might mean. I never would have done that in a million years before the internet dating. That said, it's not for everyone and it can be tiring/disappointing when you meet someone promising but it doesn't lead anywhere.

Lastly, my belief is that good relationships are easy and don't provoke the kind of overanalysis that drives us all crazy. You just know that things are ok and where you stand. Hold out for that kind of feeling. You will find it...
Good on you for not caving.
Bean

[oceansize]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

BTC it can hurt a lot to have someone not reciprocate attraction, but at the end of the day, if he isn't looking to date anyone you should certainly not take that as a definitive "I'm ugly and unlovable" vibe. I'm sure that is simply not true at all and a product of many changes going on in you right now with being AF.

I'm only new here, and have had a fucker of a final hurrah to my drinking a few nights ago, but it inspires me to see people here dealing with things that upset or worry them and still holding their sobriety as paramount. That is so important, and no man (or woman for that matter) should be able to shake that because they aren't worth your time.

I'm swearing off men for a while until I get my act together and a lot of AF time behind me. I feel that is the right move for me right now as I din't need the distraction and truthfully wouldn't have that much to offer a partner whilst working so hard on myself.

Best of luck and cheer up! There's plenty of fishies in the sea my dear

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Thanks again everyone. I didn't drink in the end !!!!! I woke up feeling quite positive.

This whole episode has touched on some REALLY deep issues. I am in therapy right now and I have touched upon my feelings of ugliness with my therapist. My therapist - who is very good - has not seemed to understand the full extent of how wounded I am on this issue. My therapist said "but you're a beautiful woman. Of course lots of men are going to be attracted to you." My previous therapist said similar things. I do accept that on the outside I am actually considered as a good-looking/very pretty woman. But what even therapists have not so far seemed to understand (or maybe I haven't made it clear enough to them) is that while I accept that a lot of other people claim I'm pretty I feel nothing but ugly, dirty, utterly worthless and somehow tainted on the inside. I do not feel attractive, I do not even feel like an acceptable human being on any level. I feel deeply ashamed of my history - I was abandoned as a baby and raised by people where I was quite often abused. As a tiny girl, from around age 3, I began being molested and then raped by some paedophiles. I remember one of them used to tell me what a pretty little girl I was and from that moment I became deeply, deeply ashamed of myself as a person and I became in my own mind ugly and disgusting.

For my whole adult life I've felt like a fraud in that (to my surprise and confusion really) when I go out I will attract plenty of male attention but I will feel the men staring at me would want nothing to do with me if they knew about my past. I feel as soon as they find out anything about me or speak to me, their attraction will die. Why would any man want a woman who is so worthless that her own parents disowned her shortly after birth, so worthless that she could be raped aged 3 and the authorities not even bother to prosecute the rapists? A woman who seems confident and attractive on the outside but until very recently would go home alone at night and drink a bottle of wine all by herself in her cluttered little flat?

So this whole episode has confirmed my worst fears. At first, this man was all over me. Once he started asking me questions about my family, I felt things change a little. I didn't go into detail and certainly didn't tell him about the abuse or the alcoholism but I did say that I'd grown up in foster homes and he looked surprised and feared he was judging me. Then at dinner a very young woman stood up at the table behind us to go the loo or something. I just saw his eyes light up as he stared at her (she was wearing a very low-cut dress). Isn't that kinda weird to stare openly at another woman while out wtih a woman? Of course I immediately brushed that aside because I thought 'someone like me doesn't even deserve to be out with this clean-cut, upper-class man anyway.'

There's another secret I haven't shared here yet but that my friend has probably told him about. It's about the fact I had a child when I was still a teenager myself.

The thing I guess that really does hurt me quite deeply is.... I don't know about you but you know how you know when somebody fancies you (or is physically attracted to you)? In this case, the man actually was attracted to me, I could tell in the body language etc etc. And he changed his tune after he found out more about my baggage.

The reality is that there are plenty of "nice" men out there who won't want to get into anything with a woman who has as many problems and as much baggage as me.

I do work for a child abuse charity. When you type my name into Google (as everyone seems to do these days - Google each other, especially potential employers and potential love interest) it immediately comes up: the facts about my childhood and that I was sexually abused and raped and so on. Also the struggles I've had with PTSD and the fact that I once briefly entered a psychiatric unit after having a mental breakdown. All that info is available in the first hits on a Google search on my name.

I'm presuming the right man for me would feel protective of me and love me and not just feel put off once he learned about the serious issues I've been through and continue to deal with.

[oceansize]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

"I'm presuming the right man for me would feel protective of me and love me and not just feel put off once he learned about the serious issues I've been through and continue to deal with."

I reckon you are dead right with that presumption. Any man worth your time will accept your past and any associated baggage and care enough to support you through healing. I'm so sorry to hear of the awful things that have occured earlier in your life, but the actions of others truly have no bearing on who you are now or your worth as a human being.

I'm sorry this has dredged up so many past hurts for you, but maybe it is the universe telling you its time to deal and heal. We all have our baggage, some more than others, but I think if you are working for a child abuse charity, open with your life experiences and open to being loved you are definitely someone who is compassionate, honest and caring, moreso than the average person. Those are fantastic personal attributes that are unfortunately all too rare.

Oh, and I'm so happy you didn't drink!!! Well done

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

I haven't had a drink. At least not yet. And this man's significance is fading....

The experience opened up a window into areas I desperately still need to heal. It is something to work on in therapy ASAP.

[stirly-girly]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

BTC - I just read your large post that you made a bit earlier. I'm no expert on molestation or child abuse or anything like that nor am I any kind of psychiatrist or counselor. But I do know this. What those people did to you had nothing to do with you as a person. Not your parents who abandoned you, nor the people who harmed you physically and emotionally. I don't know if you are aware of why you were abandoned but sometimes people have babies and aren't able to care for them properly, or at all, depending on their circumstances. There are mothers who are alcoholics and drug addicts who cannot care for their babies because they can't even care for themselves. Pedophiles are sick people. It was nothing that you did that made them molest you. They are people with serious mental problems who do unthinkable things to small children. I won't state what I think should be done with them. Too often tho' they are protected by their own family members so as to not bring shame on the family. For whatever reason, they were not punished. But none of that reflects on what kind of person you are and whether or not someone can love you. Unfortunately you were a victim of various very tragic circumstances. You need to talk this over with your therapist and try to understand and believe that you are not to blame for any of those things that happened in the past. The wrong was done to you, by others. You are not ugly and disgusting - they are. Look at the person you have become in spite of such a difficult childhood. Just the fact that you can open up and talk about it here is a first step. I'm truly sorry that you suffered so much and I hope that your therapist can help you on the journey to getting to like and then love yourself. As for AL - good for you on not taking a drink. I wish you all the best as you continue your journey. It won't be easy as you've got a lot of "baggage" as you say. But maybe slowly unpacking one bag at a time will get you to a place where you can move ahead and leave your past where it belongs - in the past.
Stick around and talk about this as much as you need to. I see you've had lots of answers to your thread and I'm sure others will be offering advice as well. Be strong....Stirly

[KundaliniGirl]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Stirly, your post was so right on - BTC, I hope you can resolve these issues because as Stirly says, they have nothing to do with you as a person. You have been resilient and risen above what others did to you. I wish you the best of luck and hope the therapy can help you put all this in a compartment in your brain so you don't have to think about it any more.

One last thing: I know what I would do to these people:

I won't state what I think should be done with them

I could easily pull the plug on someone who molested a child. Sorry, but to me that's a more heinous crime than murder. The victim is left to suffer their entire life!

[Ringing Cedars]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

KundaliniGirl;1036571 wrote: Stirly, your post was so right on - BTC, I hope you can resolve these issues because as Stirly says, they have nothing to do with you as a person. You have been resilient and risen above what others did to you. I wish you the best of luck and hope the therapy can help you put all this in a compartment in your brain so you don't have to think about it any more.

One last thing: I know what I would do to these people:



I could easily pull the plug on someone who molested a child. Sorry, but to me that's a more heinous crime than murder. The victim is left to suffer their entire life!

Hi BTC-I remember you sharing your firing of your therapist thread a while back. Sounds like you've been sober since that time. Congratulations on being sober and moving on to another therapist. My heart goes out to you having had to live through what you have. As the others have said, you have survived this albeit with the aid of alcohol but it's obvious you keep moving forward and gaining strength! I know that KG said the above with the best of intentions but I just want to turn it around and say that you do not have to suffer your entire life. It will take work which you are obviously willing to do. What has happened to you is like brainwashing and you need to re program your brain to stop the negative self talk and build a self esteem you never had a chance to do under the circumstances. You are a brave girl indeed to keep fighting and sharing your story. Applause to you BTC!:l

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Stirly, Kundalini and Cedars - thank you so much. Those were wonderfully encouraging words. I'm sitting here sipping nothing stronger than herbal tea, so that is a good sign for sure

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

btc,
it's hard to not take rejection personally. my two little cents here, after so much incredible input, is just to share my most recent experience which i'm coming out of more quickly because i'm not drinking (day six!). i was seeing a guy for almost six months (!) before it dawned on me how unaffectionate he was. we were intimate, yet he never told me i'm pretty (though men in the past always have), never expressed in words or caresses that he was attracted to me. he told me his deeds (helping w my son, helping w cleaning, fixing things around the house) should say how he feels. maybe that's his approach, all he's able to do, but it took me many weeks to notice that i felt like crap when i was with him. i was letting HIS actions affect my feelings about myself. i've broken that one off, and i feel much better. i don't have a history nearly as traumatic as yours (ouch. i'm so sorry for your pain.), but i do have the self-esteem issues. fortunately, my confidence and self-love are sprouting back as i'm not reaching for the bottle. good for you for doing the same.
stay strong. may your journey be upward!
rudy

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

RudyB;1036659 wrote: btc,
it's hard to not take rejection personally. my two little cents here, after so much incredible input, is just to share my most recent experience which i'm coming out of more quickly because i'm not drinking (day six!). i was seeing a guy for almost six months (!) before it dawned on me how unaffectionate he was. we were intimate, yet he never told me i'm pretty (though men in the past always have), never expressed in words or caresses that he was attracted to me. he told me his deeds (helping w my son, helping w cleaning, fixing things around the house) should say how he feels. maybe that's his approach, all he's able to do, but it took me many weeks to notice that i felt like crap when i was with him. i was letting HIS actions affect my feelings about myself. i've broken that one off, and i feel much better. i don't have a history nearly as traumatic as yours (ouch. i'm so sorry for your pain.), but i do have the self-esteem issues. fortunately, my confidence and self-love are sprouting back as i'm not reaching for the bottle. good for you for doing the same.
stay strong. may your journey be upward!
rudy

That is brilliant Rudy! Do you find your self esteem has naturally improved the longer you are sober?

I'm a bit concerned about how quickly I put people who aren't especially nice on a pedestal really quickly and easily and act like I am not worthy of them. I get upset when people who aren't even really worth my time reject me, when they didn't even deserve to be in my life in the first place. I've certainly got to raise my standards.:l

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

deleted

[gyco]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

hi B T C, i being a man find your thread quite amusing,how others as in men or women can have such a control over how you feel,and do do you really feel a drink would help,alchoholism is an addiction,most dont understand,amagine how peope would make you feel,if they new you were ? whatever,because they dont understand,even your councillors dont understand,i think youve done a wonderful job holding up hwether you drink or not,never forget your special and no one can take that from you, i wish you well my dear and ugly is in the eye of the beholder ? gyco

[Ringing Cedars]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

breaking_the_cycle;1036739 wrote: Oddly this same individual who said he's "not dating at the moment" has now messaged me to ask if I'd like to go over to his place tomorrow evening for dinner. I find that very strange. I thought his previous text about not dating at the moment was universal code for "Sorry but I don't find you at all attractive"?

If he is sending you mixed singles like this already--RUN THE OTHER WAY! You're self esteem does not need this. You are worthy of better!!:l