Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

i concur with zen.
when i take myself or life's challenges too seriously, when i can't laugh about stuff, when others don't help me laugh, THAT"S when i'm in deep trouble.
i like this place in part for its typical lack of judgement. maybe we could keep it that way and let each other speak our peace. multi-dimensional takes on an issue are part of the beauty of this forum.

[newme2011]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

What you are saying makes perfect sense. Unfortunately I'm fixating on the "true" meaning of his text, which is: "you are ugly and worthless and I'd never consider dating you. In fact I'm shocked you have the audacity to think ANYONE would want you."
__________________
Where did it say that? Again, I think you have misread. Stay strong keep a level head.

[RudyB]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

how you doin' out there, btc?

[Mish]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

RudyB;1036137 wrote: i concur with zen.
when i take myself or life's challenges too seriously, when i can't laugh about stuff, when others don't help me laugh, THAT"S when i'm in deep trouble.

I, too, think a good look at and laugh at myself helps jolt me out of what could turn into a pity party. BTC wouldn't have asked for our help if she wasn't prepared to hear our responses, knowing that we can indeed be a bit quirky at times. RudyB, I completely concur with your take on the matter. Humour has many a time helped me take a good look at myself and laugh instead of turning the situation into a pity party -or an excuse to drink.
Medic, I can sense your concern and think more of you for your sincerity. However, you're handling this in a "guy way." Men try to "fix" things where often women just want someone to listen and give their opinions. Any advice they receive is theirs to accept or reject as they choose.
Everyone's opinion is valid here.

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Hi ladies, I'm still here. Still feeling fragile. But I've not yet had a drink. The irony here is that I know I'm not physically ugly (in my late teens I even did fashion modelling) and yet the outward appearance makes no difference. I FEEL ugly. I feel worthless. I feel like men will be initially attracted to my physically but then will quickly SEE that I am worthless and not deserving of being treated nicely or valued. And I suppose this episode has just played into those feelings I have about myself. Unless I am severely mistaken, this man was attracted to me physically (hence him asking me out, asking for my number and so on) but once he saw how worthless I am inside he backtracked and decided to tell me cliched lies about "I'm not dating right now." What that really means and we all know it is: "I don't see you as dating material because you're not good enough."

Quite randomly he has sent another text inviting me to go round to his house to have dinner and drinks with him and his flatmate.

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

I would like to thank every one of you who has replied to this thread. Thank you very much for your support.

I guess these are issues that I need to work on in therapy. I have a very deep sense of insecurity and an extremely poor self image.

[Bean]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

Hi BTC

Some years ago after a love famine, I suddenly found myself in the strange situation of dating three men at the same time (never rains but it pours eh?!). One liked me but I wasn't interested in anything further, I liked the other one but he wasn't interested romantically in me and the 3rd one...well we just mutually disliked each other (that was one my Mum set up...maybe why I have moved abroad to stop the interfering!).
Anyway...it was an important growth moment to experience rejecting someone and being rejected at the same time. It made me appreciate how very very important it is to handle it sensitively and honestly, whichever side you're on. Also, stopped me from taking it so personally when I was rejected by the guy that I liked because I knew that the other one that Iwas turning down had nothing wrong with him at all. I just didn't feel that the spark was there.

I know it's really hard when your confidence is low to start with but PLEASE don't keep telling yourself that this outcome is because you aren't worth it, unattractive etc. As others have said, he obviously liked you else he wouldn't have agreed to have coffee with you. It sounds to me like your friend that introduced you stirred up a lot of feelings and excitement because she was so happy you had got on well. Underneath it though, perhaps he wasn't emotionally in the place she thought he was.

What IS good is that you are willing to put yourself out there and meet new people. Meeting this guy has taught you something about what you are/aren't looking for in a relationship. That's got to be a good thing right?

A friend once made the comment to me that "you are already perfect for the person who is perfect for you". I love that. I think he's right.
There's NOTHING wrong with you. You just haven't met the right one yet.

I'm sure that drinking will only reinforce your negative feelings about yourself. Don't go there!!
Keep on keeping on
Bean

[fennel]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

newme2011;1036109 wrote: WHOA, this is what you said he texted:
"Regards a coffee - yes I can, but just in case I should mention I'm not dating at the moment - maybe that's not what you had in mind (in which case I feel silly) but just thought it best to mention."
Translation:
Yes I can meet for coffee When he said he was not dating at the moment that meant he wasn't dating anyone regularly. So he wants you to know that maybe you would be interested in something MORE than a cup of coffee. If that's not the case he feels silly.

This is how I interpreted his text, too.

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

I'm actually stunned at quite how worthless I feel. It's like I'm experiencing the full extent of my self-hatred for the first time. I guess in previous years the alcohol has served to numb all those intense feelings. So now being sober it's hitting me HARD and I'm realizing the full extent of what a trainwreck I am psychologically!

[nancy]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

ugly!

So it sounds like you are like me. I have definitely been there. Feeling physically attractive but defective.

It's something that's not true and you just have to work on this. It feels real but that doesn't mean it's true. Sounds like you are sensitive, which is a nice quality, but overly sensitive.

People have to like you for what you really are. What use is a love object if they don't love you back? Did you do anything horrible on the date? I doubt it. Did you do something that shows lack of compatibility? Maybe and that's ok. He's inviting you around with other people so it doesn't seem like a date. If you really like him I think you should decline politely, espcecially seeing as the impact he's had on you.

Just remember, everyone gets rejected. I think people with low self-esteem and high emotions are vulnerable to drinking more and blowing things out of proportion. This is something you need to work through. This is a learning experience for sure so learn from it.

The movie "He's not Into You" is cliched but may help you laugh and get things into perspective.

And by the way being at the mercy of the whims of a hot man (regardless of how you look yourself) is very bad and is something you need to work on. Hot men reject attractive and even beautiful women all the time.

Nancy
By the way, liked what Bean had to say.

[nancy]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

and

If this guy was a jerk and was physically attracted to you enough to go on a date but not to want a second. He could have taken advantage of you sexually and then thrown you away as so many men do and didn't.

[breaking_the_cycle]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

nancy;1036175 wrote: So it sounds like you are like me. I have definitely been there. Feeling physically attractive but defective.

It's something that's not true and you just have to work on this. It feels real but that doesn't mean it's true. Sounds like you are sensitive, which is a nice quality, but overly sensitive.

People have to like you for what you really are. What use is a love object if they don't love you back? Did you do anything horrible on the date? I doubt it. Did you do something that shows lack of compatibility? Maybe and that's ok. He's inviting you around with other people so it doesn't seem like a date. If you really like him I think you should decline politely, espcecially seeing as the impact he's had on you.

Just remember, everyone gets rejected. I think people with low self-esteem and high emotions are vulnerable to drinking more and blowing things out of proportion. This is something you need to work through. This is a learning experience for sure so learn from it.

The movie "He's not Into You" is cliched but may help you laugh and get things into perspective.

And by the way being at the mercy of the whims of a hot man (regardless of how you look yourself) is very bad and is something you need to work on. Hot men reject attractive and even beautiful women all the time.

Nancy
By the way, liked what Bean had to say.

You are right about me being sensitive. I very, very sensitive and it does make life feel very difficult sometimes. I take things to heart so much.

As for this man, he is perhaps averagely attractive. A couple of my friends saw his photo on FAcebook (before his text messages etc) and even then they were like "he's not that cute."

I think I'm quite emotionally unstable and I also realized that I'm EXTREMELY lonely. So when a halfway decent-seeming man showed interest in me it's like all my hopes were raised. I had not been on a date in at least two years, probably even coming up three years now. So when a slightly attractive man showed interest in me emotionally it was all systems go for me.

In the end, when I replied to his text where he said that thing about not dating right now, my reply said:

"I just meant a coffee to be honest. Hope I didn't give wrong impression?"

(Clearly I was lying hahaha)

He then said that he felt embarrassed for having assumed I meant more than that. So I have even 'saved face' and I really don't think he thinks I'm interested in him now. Which is good. Fuck him!

But I need to do something about my fragile emotional state for sure and this episode has highlighted that fact.

I'm not really in a good place.

:l:l

[nancy]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

tough times

Oh I see so the picture has changed a lot. He's not hot. You are not ugly after all.

I really know exactly how you feel. But the most important thing is learning how to be a friend to yourself. If you don't have that, it's going to be hard to have a relationship. I don't know how old you are and maybe you should say. While two years seems like a very long time it's not unusual in my experience and maybe not of others either. Finding the right person is hard. It's not necessarily something personal about you. One of the best things about cognitive behavioral therapy is teaching you not to take things personally.

I see why you responded the way you did denying your feelings but do you think your mutual friend has already told hinm the truth? anyway, he could feel your attraction. i think it's an exercise in maturing to tell the truth and bare yourself for rejection, not easy, but a growth experience.

[Mish]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

breaking_the_cycle;1036182 wrote: You are right about me being sensitive. I very, very sensitive and it does make life feel very difficult sometimes. I take things to heart so much.

As for this man, he is perhaps averagely attractive. A couple of my friends saw his photo on FAcebook (before his text messages etc) and even then they were like "he's not that cute."

I think I'm quite emotionally unstable and I also realized that I'm EXTREMELY lonely. So when a halfway decent-seeming man showed interest in me it's like all my hopes were raised. I had not been on a date in at least two years, probably even coming up three years now. So when a slightly attractive man showed interest in me emotionally it was all systems go for me.

In the end, when I replied to his text where he said that thing about not dating right now, my reply said:

"I just meant a coffee to be honest. Hope I didn't give wrong impression?"

(Clearly I was lying hahaha)

He then said that he felt embarrassed for having assumed I meant more than that. So I have even 'saved face' and I really don't think he thinks I'm interested in him now. Which is good. Fuck him!

But I need to do something about my fragile emotional state for sure and this episode has highlighted that fact.

I'm not really in a good place.

:l:l

BTC, I've said this before but I'm happy to say it again. AL is a liar and a thief. He tells us lies about ourselves to keep us vulnerable and more likely to feed him with booze. He tells us we're unloveable, worthless, unattractive, stupid, fat, ugly, boring, untalented, useless, hard done by and tragic. These things are all lies.
AL robs us of all positive feelings of worth and esteem. By doing this, he also robs us of opportunities to experience the full joy of grown up relationships and appreciation of the wonderful things that life has to offer. AL keeps us unmotivated and insecure, which enables us to find 'reasons' to drink.
You are no less worthy, loveable, unattractive or intelligent than the rest of us. However, we've all pretty much felt the exact things you're feeling right now.
I try not to take myself too seriously. I try to be less of a tomato and more like a pumpkin with a thick skin. You're not drinking so feel good about yourself. You deserve it.
If you let this feeling cause you to drink you'll just be getting sucked right back into the vortex and feeding your feeling of worthlessness. We all think you deserve better and we're pretty good judges of character.

[nancy]

Pls help - I'm about to reach for a drink after so long Alcohol Free!

but

Mish, she has been off booze.

One more thing I wanted to suggest is that you really need to face this terrible fear that if someone doesn't want you that means you are bad. The world will not crumble because someone you want rejects you. You actually can face that. Think about it. you will become a much stronger woman if you do this, trust me.

Someone needs to challenge you on these gross exaggerations (hot and ugly for example) and personalization distortions. Read the book Feeling Good, cognitive distoritions.