Hi guys,
After asking about it on the forum and crying about doing it in chat, tonight I attended my first AA meeting - and I wanted to share my experience.
Over the past twelve years I have attended a few random AA meetings, and fled from every one straight to the off licence. I have been vehemently anti-AA for my entire drinking life, even when I was finally trying to get better. After all, its just god-botherers munching biscuits - and anyway, going there makes me want to drink! And you have to go there even when you're better?! Give me a break!
That's what I thought until after four or five years of actively trying to get better - yeah you name it I tried it: modding, relapse prevention, counselling, white-knuckle going-it-alone, groups, 1:1s, both inpatient and outpatient, various medications, etc etc - I inadvertantly committed what is called a Step One. No matter how many times I called my mum or worked with professionals or nearly killed myself with withdrawals, I still haven't managed to remain sober.
See the problem with all of the above is that I was always doing it ALONE. It has always been a massive struggle, of course beating addiction always is and always will be. But how much harder to do it alone. When you're doing it with people who can't possibly understand - as much as they may want to - then you are doing it alone. How many of us on this forum have posted saying they feel scared and alone.
So after a big wake-up call over xmas, I woke up and realised I am not strong enough to do this alone - my alcoholism is too powerful (Step One, that) and I thought that's it I have to give this AA thing a try. But this time I did it properly. I phoned the helpline and asked for an AA member to go with me. Much less scary. Well, a bit less scary. I was still petrified at first and even as she met me at the gate, took me in and offered me a cup of tea, I burst into tears. Great heaving sobs of Why-do-I-have-to-be-here? How-did-it-come-to-this? I-thought-I-was-strong-enough. I-don't-want-to-be-any-part-of-this.
My volunteer gently took me aside, said I was brave for coming, told me it was normal to feel this way and said just to take from the meeting what I could and be open-minded. So she sat with me as my quivering lip slowly subsided, guiding me through the meeting as it went on.
And as the meeting went on and I listened to the stories of others, I heard nothing but caring between the members, things that we were all nodding to, stories about how being sober had improved their lives so much, stories about how AA had kept them sane and sober when nothing else had.
And I started to understand why AA works. And I started to understand why if you're going to do it then it's a little club you have to commit to for life (well, did you ever hear of an alcoholic who was cured? Naltraxone advocates aside
). Because alcoholism is a disease and if my medication is sitting in a group of friendly people who want nothing more than to help each other through life, especially in moments of pain, then I am prepared to take my medication.
No-one was talking about god and the ethos was to take your time. If you want a sponsor then you ask when you are ready. And with the steps you take them as you will and do them as completely as you feel you can. Again, when you are ready.
At the end of the meeting two ladies gave me their numbers to call at any time I need it and everyone else came up to me and congratulated me for coming and told me the most important thing is to keep coming back. And my volunteer even walked me home to make sure I was OK and said I could go with her to as many meetings as I needed until I felt comfortable enough to go on my own.
I had expected to leave feeling horrible, having joined some guilty little club for the terminally wretched, expected to flagelate myself for life - but I don't. I feel like I will be joining a little secret society of lovely, accepting, understanding people who want nothing more than to make their own and your life better.
So yes I am joining the biscuit brigade. I don't know for certain if it will work, but I sure as hell think it's the best shot I've got. Finally not to be alone, it feels nice.
I'm going to do 90 days of 90 meetings as they recommend for beginners and ease myself into all the AA stuff. I will keep you posted as to my progress. See you on the AA thread. Oh, and if anyone does want to try it, please phone the helpline and get someone to go with you! And going to AA doesn't mean you don't have to deal with any other issues in your life, including mental health issues - it will just be the best support brigade you have while you do it if tonight was anything to judge by.
Wish me luck,
K x
After asking about it on the forum and crying about doing it in chat, tonight I attended my first AA meeting - and I wanted to share my experience.
Over the past twelve years I have attended a few random AA meetings, and fled from every one straight to the off licence. I have been vehemently anti-AA for my entire drinking life, even when I was finally trying to get better. After all, its just god-botherers munching biscuits - and anyway, going there makes me want to drink! And you have to go there even when you're better?! Give me a break!
That's what I thought until after four or five years of actively trying to get better - yeah you name it I tried it: modding, relapse prevention, counselling, white-knuckle going-it-alone, groups, 1:1s, both inpatient and outpatient, various medications, etc etc - I inadvertantly committed what is called a Step One. No matter how many times I called my mum or worked with professionals or nearly killed myself with withdrawals, I still haven't managed to remain sober.
See the problem with all of the above is that I was always doing it ALONE. It has always been a massive struggle, of course beating addiction always is and always will be. But how much harder to do it alone. When you're doing it with people who can't possibly understand - as much as they may want to - then you are doing it alone. How many of us on this forum have posted saying they feel scared and alone.
So after a big wake-up call over xmas, I woke up and realised I am not strong enough to do this alone - my alcoholism is too powerful (Step One, that) and I thought that's it I have to give this AA thing a try. But this time I did it properly. I phoned the helpline and asked for an AA member to go with me. Much less scary. Well, a bit less scary. I was still petrified at first and even as she met me at the gate, took me in and offered me a cup of tea, I burst into tears. Great heaving sobs of Why-do-I-have-to-be-here? How-did-it-come-to-this? I-thought-I-was-strong-enough. I-don't-want-to-be-any-part-of-this.
My volunteer gently took me aside, said I was brave for coming, told me it was normal to feel this way and said just to take from the meeting what I could and be open-minded. So she sat with me as my quivering lip slowly subsided, guiding me through the meeting as it went on.
And as the meeting went on and I listened to the stories of others, I heard nothing but caring between the members, things that we were all nodding to, stories about how being sober had improved their lives so much, stories about how AA had kept them sane and sober when nothing else had.
And I started to understand why AA works. And I started to understand why if you're going to do it then it's a little club you have to commit to for life (well, did you ever hear of an alcoholic who was cured? Naltraxone advocates aside
). Because alcoholism is a disease and if my medication is sitting in a group of friendly people who want nothing more than to help each other through life, especially in moments of pain, then I am prepared to take my medication.No-one was talking about god and the ethos was to take your time. If you want a sponsor then you ask when you are ready. And with the steps you take them as you will and do them as completely as you feel you can. Again, when you are ready.
At the end of the meeting two ladies gave me their numbers to call at any time I need it and everyone else came up to me and congratulated me for coming and told me the most important thing is to keep coming back. And my volunteer even walked me home to make sure I was OK and said I could go with her to as many meetings as I needed until I felt comfortable enough to go on my own.
I had expected to leave feeling horrible, having joined some guilty little club for the terminally wretched, expected to flagelate myself for life - but I don't. I feel like I will be joining a little secret society of lovely, accepting, understanding people who want nothing more than to make their own and your life better.
So yes I am joining the biscuit brigade. I don't know for certain if it will work, but I sure as hell think it's the best shot I've got. Finally not to be alone, it feels nice.
I'm going to do 90 days of 90 meetings as they recommend for beginners and ease myself into all the AA stuff. I will keep you posted as to my progress. See you on the AA thread. Oh, and if anyone does want to try it, please phone the helpline and get someone to go with you! And going to AA doesn't mean you don't have to deal with any other issues in your life, including mental health issues - it will just be the best support brigade you have while you do it if tonight was anything to judge by.
Wish me luck,
K x
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