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[chartreuse_lily]

One of the things that I find myself really struggling with lately is the idea that I was better when I was drinking.

Since I went alcohol free I've been very depressed and anxious. I'm touchy to the point of tears about the littlest things, I don't want to go near people, and I have nothing to say.

When I was drinking I was much different-- I was outgoing, cheerful, adventurous, talkative and at ease.

I feel like the people I work with, my family and my boyfriend must all be wondering what's happened to me (well, if they've even noticed) and wish I'd go back to the way I was.

Every time I catch myself thinking these thoughts I try and recognize it as the voice of my addiction trying desperately to keep hold of me. I tell myself that though I'm going through a difficult time right now (a period of adjustment if you will) that in the long run I'll be a better daughter, granddaughter, employee, co-worker and all around person if I keep alcohol out of my life. I may not be as fun as I once was but at least I'm not lying and deceiving like I did when I was drinking.

[janka]

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Hi there, the drinking probably number your depression and anxiety for a bit. This should pass, go easy on yourself and take positive action to improve the way you feel. Your thoughts create emotion, whether good or bad. Be vigilant and patient. All the best, j

[Kimberley]

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Hi Lily,

I felt the same way as you when I first quit many moons ago. If you have been drinking for a long time, then it will take a while to get back to 'normal'. The good thing is, it does happen.

If I remember correctly you also have depression to contend with, so it's never going to be easy getting your mojo back. even without depression, it does take a bit of time. You have to 'learn' how to have fun, instead of hiding behind a mask of alcohol. But it can be done - some of my sober times I have been the most fun, outgoing person - all without alcohol, which is much better because it is REAL.

It sounds like you need a big old self-esteem boost. Is there anything you could try to achieve this?

Cut yourself some slack - it isn't easy. But it is worth it. Believe me- that's why I'm trying to get it back!
K x

[RudyB]

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kimberly has such great posts!
she's right, lily. my gosh. how long have you been af? it takes time to rebalance, to detox, to get back to the true you. try to be patient with yourself. love yourself. give yourself lots of treats that feel healthy but maybe indulgent, to pick yourself up. a good book, movie, lunch with a pal, a new song. whatever it takes. you deserve it.
rudy

[Lavande]

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Lily,

Be kind to yourself during this transition for your life will certainly improve!

It takes time but the new & improved you will surface. This is a journey you are on, you are learning new ways of behaving & thinking.

Take a look at this website. Dr Joe Rubino is a terrific speaker & author of books on boosting your self esteem:
Joe Rubino

Gather all the tools you need to make your transition a little easier

Lav

[lil.michelle]

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Hi hunni.
I understand where you're coming from. A similar thing happened to me. I found myself being like my 3 year old.. learning to deal with my emtions all over again. Infact, i had to learn how to live again, most aspects of life, sober. I was close to tears all the time over anything even good things, snappy and just felt like a mess. It did pass tho. Just go easy on yourself and take it day by day as you're learning to be you all over again.

[Chillgirl]

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I can so relate to this! When I went AF I felt like someone stole my security blanket, i felt so strange and vulnerable. What you have to remember is that many of us relied on AL for our social skills so in a way it's like going back and having to relearn everything. It is tough in the beginning but please hang in there, it's a wonderful feeling when the real you starts to emerge and you find you do have a brain and opinions of your own without having to rely on alcohol. The tears are common too, we numb our emotions with our drinking and you are starting to feel real again, I know it's a roller coaster but you will start to feel more alive than ever and it's all worth it. :l

[choice]

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I can really relate to this too. The first couple of months I felt like an awkward middle school student at a dance. I had a hard time looking anyone in the eye, and I couldn't think of anything interesting to say. I was shy again. I think what you said about "not sure if they even notice" (I don't know how to do that quote thing people do...

Anyway that part about not being sure if people notice.. I found to be true. I was just so aware of everyone and what they might be thinking. I don't think they thought anything. It's an awkward stage to get through.. the good news is it doesn't last long... (in the scheme of things

I've noticed a lot of this kind of thoughts and emotions posted as of late.. but the wording is different... so I'm gathering it's a normal phase?

Just be real nice to yourself especially when you feel most insecure. It will help. (at least it did for me.):l

[chartreuse_lily]

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Thank you everyone for your comments. I'll try and be patient and wait this out. Unfortunately I worry that depressed me in the normal me. One of the main reasons I started drinking was because I couldn't deal with stress or be around people and I was always frazzled and tied up in knots over things that didn't matter. Now that I've stopped drinking, my own personality flaws seem to have come back full force.

Part of it is of course depression-- I made the brilliant move of going off my anti-depressants (which I've been on since 1995) at about the same time I stopped drinking. I hadn't been depressed in two years and i thought I would be okay without the medication (also I couldn't afford them any more on my new insurance plan). Obviously I was wrong and I've gone back on a some of my meds (my parents are offering to help with the bills) but it will take a while for them to kick in. In the meantime I'm extremely brittle. I hate being this way, I'm barely functioning.

Again, thank you all for your very thoughtful comments. I really appreciate your interest and concern.

[janka]

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Hi again Chartreuse, I suffered from depression a long time before I even began to drink. Took Meds, sought psychiatric/psychological help, etc. Bottom line is this, it really is: feeling better is ENTIRELY up to you. Of course, support from others helps. Consider meditation and mindfulness. If your mind can grasp and fully hold onto those things and eliminate bodily toxins, your life will unfold and transform beyond your imagination. But these take practice, practice and self-discipline

[chartreuse_lily]

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It's funny, I refuse to admit powerlessness over alcoholism but when it comes to depression I really do feel powerless, like there's nothing I can do on my own to get better. I fight it, I exercise everyday, try to change negative thoughts and focus on the positive but it still sweeps me away.

[Mish]

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It's the nature of depression to do that. I have a major depressive disorder over a thirty year time period. Long before I started drinking. However, I've found that since becoming AF, my anxiety, depression and panic attacks etc are slowly getting better. It isn't going to happen overnight, but it will happen if you give it a go.
Alcohol is a depressant, not a stimulant, and it will keep you trapped in your dark place. I'm so glad you recognise the addictive voice of The Beast (AL) telling you that you were more fun. engaging, wittier, clever and so on when you were drinking.
Al is a liar. Don't listen to that voice. Work on loving yourself. Believe me, when you start finding the real you, you won't be sorry. We all have so much more to ourselves than we think when we're drinking.

[mylife]

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Hello Char!

I think a lot of us maybe started drinking to avoid depression or numb it somehow. Really, over time however the Al will make things worse, not better. I would recommend really working with your Doctor/Counselor and trying meds to help you get through the depression. Hang in there, it will get better!! :l:l