Since being sober, my problems and difficulties continue to rise to the surface. Life was easier when I didn't have to face ALL of this, to be perfectly honest.
I've already posted quite a bit about my childhood and some of you have probably read about it.
In a nutshell, I think the main problem is that I have no "foundation" in my life at all. What I mean, no man or woman is an island, right? I am not exaggerating even a little bit when I say that NOBODY in my family is functional, not even one person among them is AT ALL functional.
I accept crumbs of affection or goodness and cherish them a if they are gems and this means that I get mistreated all the time. For example, my "family" stood by and allowed me to be raped and sometimes beaten over and over and over again from age 3 or so. As a result, I suffered severe PTSD and also got an eating disorder and became a slightly difficult child and teenager. My "family" during that time were quick to blame it all on me and say things like "I just can't understand why she's turned out like this...." Now, years later, two people in my "family" have accepted that sexual abuse is wrong and one of them has apologised to me that she didn't bother to help or save me at the time. The rest of the "family" have made if clear that they couldn't give a flying fuck that I was abused, they are more interested in what's on TV, or what the weather forecast is etc. So the one family member who acknowledges I didn't deserve to be raped.... I blew this out of proportion and imagined this meant I was loved and valued and that I have family and that they really care about me. In the cold hard reality of sobriety I see that this is bullshit. Even when this "family" member acknowledged I didn't deserve to be sexually abused, what she was saying was how traumatic it was for HER to witness my severely damaged genitals when she bathed me and how upsetting it was for HER to have to observe all the pain I was displaying. Not once did she or any other "family" member get me therapy or inform the police. They showed way, way, way more concern when favoured family members got fairly mild illnesses like flu or when a kid in the family began smoking.
So I accept these pathetic crumbs of interest and let people treat me like I'm a lump of dog shit and I've been living this way for years.
Even my friendships are fucked up - with me being really quite giving and a good listener and my friends treating me with indifference.
I feel like I need to tear everything down and start again and reprogramme what I will and won't accept.
But how the hell do you do that????? It's far easier to reach for a glass or bottle of wine and pretend this painful, devastating bullshit and mistreatment isn't really happening.
I confronted this one particular BASTARD in my "family" and said to him: "Why did you think it was OK that I was raped aged three? Why didn't you do anything?" He just sort of went really vague and said everyone has shit to deal with and he compared it to how his stepdaughter is having a hard time right now because she's in her second year at university and her mother is considering selling the family home and buying a smaller home. He said this will affect the stepdaughter's sense of security and that she is really suffering.
Ummm.....I've been battling severe PTSD all my life and I've never even ONCE in my life been able to have a healthy proper relationship with a man and I'm all alone and vulnerable and borderline alcoholic and this fucking idiot thinks none of that is as important as his stepdaughter not having to downgrade to a smaller family home?
No one gives a fuck about me so why should I give a fuck about myself?
:upset:
I've already posted quite a bit about my childhood and some of you have probably read about it.
In a nutshell, I think the main problem is that I have no "foundation" in my life at all. What I mean, no man or woman is an island, right? I am not exaggerating even a little bit when I say that NOBODY in my family is functional, not even one person among them is AT ALL functional.
I accept crumbs of affection or goodness and cherish them a if they are gems and this means that I get mistreated all the time. For example, my "family" stood by and allowed me to be raped and sometimes beaten over and over and over again from age 3 or so. As a result, I suffered severe PTSD and also got an eating disorder and became a slightly difficult child and teenager. My "family" during that time were quick to blame it all on me and say things like "I just can't understand why she's turned out like this...." Now, years later, two people in my "family" have accepted that sexual abuse is wrong and one of them has apologised to me that she didn't bother to help or save me at the time. The rest of the "family" have made if clear that they couldn't give a flying fuck that I was abused, they are more interested in what's on TV, or what the weather forecast is etc. So the one family member who acknowledges I didn't deserve to be raped.... I blew this out of proportion and imagined this meant I was loved and valued and that I have family and that they really care about me. In the cold hard reality of sobriety I see that this is bullshit. Even when this "family" member acknowledged I didn't deserve to be sexually abused, what she was saying was how traumatic it was for HER to witness my severely damaged genitals when she bathed me and how upsetting it was for HER to have to observe all the pain I was displaying. Not once did she or any other "family" member get me therapy or inform the police. They showed way, way, way more concern when favoured family members got fairly mild illnesses like flu or when a kid in the family began smoking.
So I accept these pathetic crumbs of interest and let people treat me like I'm a lump of dog shit and I've been living this way for years.
Even my friendships are fucked up - with me being really quite giving and a good listener and my friends treating me with indifference.
I feel like I need to tear everything down and start again and reprogramme what I will and won't accept.
But how the hell do you do that????? It's far easier to reach for a glass or bottle of wine and pretend this painful, devastating bullshit and mistreatment isn't really happening.
I confronted this one particular BASTARD in my "family" and said to him: "Why did you think it was OK that I was raped aged three? Why didn't you do anything?" He just sort of went really vague and said everyone has shit to deal with and he compared it to how his stepdaughter is having a hard time right now because she's in her second year at university and her mother is considering selling the family home and buying a smaller home. He said this will affect the stepdaughter's sense of security and that she is really suffering.
Ummm.....I've been battling severe PTSD all my life and I've never even ONCE in my life been able to have a healthy proper relationship with a man and I'm all alone and vulnerable and borderline alcoholic and this fucking idiot thinks none of that is as important as his stepdaughter not having to downgrade to a smaller family home?
No one gives a fuck about me so why should I give a fuck about myself?
:upset:
wl:
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