If my liver could talk..

[ATLThrash]

it would kick my butt. After doing so well I drank 3 beers last night. Woke up at 5 in the morning anxious and guilt ridden. I am not a doctor but I would be interested in knowing what it is that is in alcohol that triggers those feelings-- I know it is a depressant but it is so insidious -- I never used to feel guilty or bad when I drank-- now it is all I feel. Why does the brain all of a sudden go into that mode...Oh well no use to ponder that one-- I am sure I will feel better after that poison is out -- I was just overwhlmed with my guilt and hoped that posting might help. Thanks

[RudyB]

If my liver could talk..

hey atl,
maybe you feel guilty in part because you really didn't want to drink? i know the feeling so very well, though, and i am sure it is way more than psychological. i bet there's something to the chemicals, the biological changes from drinking alcohol, that triggers those feelings. the mind is a tricky thing.
anyway, don't beat yourself up. guilt is counter-productive at best. mind your thoughts, let them be positive. drink lots of water.
you will feel better.
rudy b

[ATLThrash]

If my liver could talk..

I think you are right-- I really did not want to-- but I did. It is crazy. I think part of this is that I wish it could be as it was-- that I was "normal"-- that I drank and could take it or leave it-- feel okay the next morning mentally etc. I don't ever feel physically bad after drinking but I feel mentally a wreck. Clearly things have changed for me and I can't go back to what it was-- but I still beat myself up over it. So much of the past 6 years for me has been abject regret-- it started when I was a fool who should have bought stock in Wendys when I got pregnant because after 36 years of really eating healthy and clean and looking awesome I had a party in my mouth every single day-- got out of pregnancy 80 pounds more adn so disheartened. Now have 60 to lose and i am sure the booze has kept alot of this on. But I just do not recognize this person that I am-- not just the booze but the look- the fact that I let this happen floors me and seems to paralyze me. Now I am over 40 and am not sure I will ever be who I was or anything I even remotely like anymore. I stopped abusing alcohol this past year but really-- I still look at myslef as someone I don't recognize. It is like looking at life as a dress rehearsal-- like the past 6 years have been a fugue state and here I am. It scares me!

[Mish]

If my liver could talk..

ATLThrash;1042259 wrote: Now I am over 40 and am not sure I will ever be who I was or anything I even remotely like anymore. I stopped abusing alcohol this past year but really-- I still look at myslef as someone I don't recognize. It is like looking at life as a dress rehearsal-- like the past 6 years have been a fugue state and here I am. It scares me!

ATL, you may never be who you were, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you can't be someone better. At 40, you're only just beginning to find out who you really are, anyway. You've accomplished so much by losing AL, which will make you a more compassionate person towards others who struggle in life, particularly where addiction is concerned. Can you take this and use it to help others?
Can you find something you're passionate about (for me, it's my garden) and throw yourself into that, keeping in mind that if you were still drinking you wouldn't be able to do it. Gratitude for sobriety can be your impetus.
Life isn't a dress rehearsal, but it doesn't just happen for us if we have no goals or direction. Set yourself assignments, little ones at first, and develop a zest for what you're doing. That will help you build your self esteem, which is taken away from us when we're drinking.
I'm 56, and I'm still working on being the best person I can be...it's a never ending journey and we're in control of who we become, even if external circumstances change around us. If you can make your life exciting and challenging you'll wake up each day unafraid and undaunted.
Love and best wishes, ATL.

[ATLThrash]

If my liver could talk..

Thanks Mish. I have to keep telling myself that. I am 43-- I just want to live a good life-- and I have been a bit rudderless of late

[spuddleduck]

If my liver could talk..

atl, i can so understand the feeling of not recognising yourself. honestly if i didnt have old photos i would never believe it. not just the physical (i too have put on a bit of weight) but also the things i used to do. im 45, as mish said you just gotta keep working on being the best person you can.. right now.

[mollyka]

If my liver could talk..

ATL, when I had my 4th and last baby I was 38. I piled on pregnancy weight (not fat at that stage cos I'm very tall) - I became 'heavy' instead of long slim Molly. Then I hit 40 it was like I lost identity. I was overweight, middleaged, not going to have more babies, no job - just seem to let myself become a no one person, my drinking escalated from then. I'm 54 now and I grieve over my lost 40's. I look at 40 somethings now who look gorgeous (40 the new 30 and all that), are strong, independent, gutsy women and know that I wasted that. NO WAY am I wasting my 50's (50 is the new 30 right). I fit into clothes I haven't bought for 15 years, and I feel so good about myself (most of the time), I feel I've reclaimed my life - so do it girl YOU ARE YOUNG, don't waste it
Molly

[woody14]

If my liver could talk..

next day anxiety

Hi all, I started this journey on 11/16/10 and have only drank a holf dozen times since then. I have had the same feelings of crushing anxiety and depression the last few times I drank even though it wasn't in excess. That is now my biggest deterent to drinking. I was out to dinner last night and thought of ordering a glass of wine but the little voice in my head (which has gotten much louder the past 2 months!) asked if it was worth that shitty feeling of waking up in a panic attack first thing in the morning and the answer was no! So I didn't drink last night got up this morning feeling awesome and looking forward to a producitve day.
As far as the age things goes, one word EXERCISE! I am 47 and can speak from experience that exercise is the one thing that has kept my sanity over the years. The old use or lose it saying is so true but even if you've lost it you can get it back. Start with baby steps and build on that every day. It's amazing how quickly you'll start to see results and feel better about yourself.

[ATLThrash]

If my liver could talk..

Thanks all. I do like to walk outdoors on hills and when the ice melts here I plan on going back to that-- in the meantime my husband has an elliptical trainer that I can use. It is so screwed up but I almost think that if I were the old weight that I used to be pre-baby a ton of my issues would be much better. Not recognizing yourself is just so disheartening. I may have had problems in the past but the one constant I had was a strong sense of self-- of my likes and dislikes-- of loving to be a clothes horse etc. That ended 6 years ago-- it is like I am in the Kevin Federline collection (for those non-US that is Britney Spears ex who got so huge he worse sweats and t shirts all the time!)

Mollyka-- thanks. My sister inlaw who is now 48 was saying how she loved her 40s and my husband who is that age as well said the same-- it was the best time in their life in terms of figuring out what they wanted. Of course neither had 60 pounds to lose (hee)