Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

[Saving Grace]

Has anyone had a spouse or S.O. quit drinking to help you with not drinking? I am an alcoholic, I have no doubt.

I spent my life until 41 yrs. old when I divorced and was single for the first time since turning 17, not drinking. At the most think once every 3 years after kids were teenagers we'd try going out for New Year's Eve. I would get drunk, we thought is was fun, even though I was so embarrassed about talking too much at some dances. I was so shy in those days, still am.

I can remember moving a bottle of Bourbon someone had given my ex husband as a gift, from house to house. I never thought to drink it. My husband went out with the good ol' boys on weekends and drank, but I never did. I grew up in a family with alcohol issues and so did my ex husband. Did not want my kids raised that way. We were married 24 1/2 years.

Well, long story shorter. I talked to my current husband tonight. I need to quit again! My business is suffering and my husband is a heavy drinker and a huge enabler.
I asked him please, just for 6 months, no drinking and both of us quit smoking. He got angry, he has no problem. ( Nightly beer and whiskey, his pickup and room covered with empty whiskey bottles) I managed to keep him from going into a rage by trying to explain to him the benefits to us. He wanted no part of it?? Then I went to his computer room where he 'lives' and said how about 3 months, he said he would give it some thought.

Hopeful for me. I've quit in the past, for months, but his coming home drunk and drinking nightly in front of me has been so difficult. i know! I should and have to be able to quit anyway! I know I have to, but I want our marriage, which is headed towards divorce, to have a chance. I know my personality changes so much drinking, as does his!

We have been married for 5 years. Drinking was a fun thing we did when we met. We had the long distance relationship where I flew to where he lived each month. He is a musician and he and his band drink, ( two members don't drink, huh hadn't thought of that) that is what they do every weekend. I haven't been out with him in years, I don't like it. He says people are so boring if he isn't drinking. I think this has caused many problems in our marriage, people being more interesting while he was drinking.

How have you all handled this? I'm afraid if he doesn't quit, our marriage may break up as I can't do this anymore!

[mama bear]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

I dont even know what to say. You have to work on YOU, and if he follows, then great. I know how hard it is when your spouse drinks. Mine cand have three beers and stop. Not me. But, since I have focused on my sobriety, so has he!! Maybe if you set the example, he will follow.
Best of luck my friend!!

[fennel]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

My partner quit in support, but she doesn't have an issue with alcohol. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to go it without your husband's help. Are there any SMART, AA or Life ring meetings in your area? Could be helpful to talk face to face with other people. I'm shy too, but somehow it's not so daunting when you're with others who are struggling the same way.

[NoraC]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

Hi Grace - my situation is like Fennels. My hubby has also stopped but he doesn't have the problem I do.
I have started attending AA. I am giving it a try. I have met some nice people at the meetings. I'm very shy but the meetings were very interesting.
I wish that your husband would support you in this. But, please know that we are all here for you. :h

[drinkingal]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

my DH and I both drink heavily and usually every night, if he comes home from work stressed with booze in hand, that's it for me, it's a drinking night. But one of the things I'm trying to learn is that it's probably best if I can separate my drinking from his drinking and see them as two different things so if he decides to drink it doesn't mean I have to jump on in and follow - that's just a choice I make.

something I have found a bit easier this week is to say to my DH I'm not drinking tonight so if you're going to drink can you not do it in front of me and he's fine with that so maybe that's something you could try? If you explain to him that you want to stay sober and see if he will support you by being more discreet when he drinks at home? I have also noticed that when I decide not to drink DH will just not drink as well, there's no obligation on his part but I think he may just feel secretly that a night off the booze would be good for him too.

If your husband sees you getting your life together that might inspire him to do something about his drinking, or he might keep on drinking anyway but I think the only thing you can really control is yourself. I also think when you quit together it ends up being a double edged sword, whether it's smoking or drinking, if one person falls off the wagon then the other person sees it as an excuse to fall as well so there's twice the chance of failing.

Im no expert on this but it is something Im trying to get my own head around too.

[Saving Grace]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

Thank you all for your responses!
Drinkingal, I did go 3 1/2 months last year sober. I made my husband mad as he had to look at himself. Sometimes, he would cut back but just as I am drinking, he becomes very critical drinking and frustrated that I can't handle it.
I have to think he knows it has become so very unhealthy for us both.

I do agree, I need to take care of myself! Quit judging him, I know without a doubt I have to quit.

Thank you for your insight.

[drinkingal]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

Hi grace it sounds like a really hard situation if he isn't going to support you and tries to undermine what you're trying to do by criticizing. i think you just need to do whatever it takes for you to feel good and find the support you need elsewhere. My situation is a bit different because DH and I both know it's affecting our work, our health and our lives but we're both just hopeless at giving it up so we do tend to enable each other unintentionally.

It sounds like his behaviour is about him and his issues with drinking and all you can do is try to heal yourself, but I just think if he becomes mean when he drinks then he is kidding himself that "he" can handle the booze.

[LVT25]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

Hi Grace,

My hubby and I were drinking buddies during our entire relationship. I made a conscious decision that I could live with him and his drinking and partying. I liked to party too, but I found myself drinking almost nightly just to be able to have a conversation with him.

I quit drinking over 2 years ago and he did not. I did not ask him too, although I guess deep down I thought he might at least cut down. It has changed our relationship rather drastically and it has been very, very difficult for me to enjoy his company. I have learned to do my own things and I spend a lot of time with our sons, which is one of the reasons I quit in the first place. Divorce is not an option for us. I love him and he is a good guy. We have a terrible time communication--especially if I bring up his drinking--he gets very defensive. Even though he has admitted in casual conversation that he is an alcoholic but he only drinks beer. I have trouble talking to him or relating to him and I just get annoyed with him when he drinks too much. It's not a great situation for the boys, but I hope we can work on it and make it better with time.

My advice is to read some books about Co-dependency. Co Dependent No More is a good one. We need to learn how to detach from the drinking, not the person in order to be happy ourselves. It can be done, but it's not easy.

I will say I do not miss drinking, but I kind of miss my husband. It is easy to forget about the nasty fights we used to have while drinking too though. Hang in there, it really is worth it. (Oh, I quit smoking at the same time--actually it's why I quit drinking--that's the only time I smoked.):h

[Wagoneer]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

The advise you have gotten here is great Saving Grace - I hope that your situation improves. You will never be able to change anyone who does not want to change. I learned that the hard way with my first husband. I will say prayers of stregth for you. I remember how hard it was.

[LVT25]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

Yep, I learned that the same way Wagoneer!

[Saving Grace]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

I'm not drinking. Had a productive day, I'm so far behind in my work from the last binge I went on. I feel good, working lifts my spirits.

Neither of us drank tonight. I know he will this weekend but, I won't.

Thanks for your posts. I appreciate it.

[fennel]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

Good for you, Grace ...it's amazing how much can be accomplished in a day when there's no booze involved! Hang in there.

[Kimberley]

Husband and I are heavy drinkers!

Hi Saving,

My attitude to this keeps shifting. When i originally quit, the guy I was with at the time quit too, even though he didn't have a problem at all. It was nice that he wanted to do that for me and it felt supportive. We split up over something else though and he's gone back to drinking socially.

But then the guy i am with now (well we're kinda splitting up but still living together) has got a problem - not anything like mine, but he drinks every day and does tend to get leathered if he's stressed. When I was doing sober time (on-and-off binging over the past year), it did bug me and like LVT said, he got annoying when he was drunk and I was sober. I didn't exactly ultimatum him and didn't ask him to quit, but I did tell him i was finding it a problem. He admits he has 'issues' with alcohol but doesn't seem to be willing to try very hard to sort them out. He said he would, but hasn't tried so far.

Now, after some guidance and lots of thought, I have realised that I can't fix him - I can only fix myself. Once I accepted that, I find that I just don't care as much about his drinking. i don't know whether we're splitting up or not now, but whichever way it goes, I am firmly focussing on myself and sorting out my problems. His problems are up to him and I won't let them affect my sobriety any more.

It is very much up to the individuals involved whether a marriage or relationship can withstand this sort of situation, where one gives up and the other doesn't, but just do what you are doing for now, which is focussing on you and making sure you stay sober no matter what he's doing.

Good luck and keep us posted
K x