A glad but bittersweet moment

[RudyB]

i'm fresh home from a party where NOBODy was drinking. i'm alone, as my son is with his dad, my ex. in the past, i would've left the party and gone straight to the beer or liquor store. then i wouldn't have to feel my aloneness. i wouldn't feel a thing except a warm buzz. but in the morning i would feel bad about myself and physically unwell.

so, i'm feeling alone, and a bit lonely, but it's not really so painful. i have my favorite show to watch, you beautiful humanoids to share my feelings with, a warm fire, some honey lemon tea, and gratitude.

though... i'm also feeling a little rejected, as my recent ex but still friend doesn't call me back tonight for a little friendly comfort. but i'm not drinking about it. i'm accepting, however it's challenging, that i probably have to close and lock that door before another, more suitable one will open. such as one leading to someone who is NOT a pothead, someone who will cherish me with actions and words and soulful presence. hey, i tell meself, i should have patience. i'm just barely able -22 days into being able- to offer true presence to another, reliably.

don't mind my spilling my guts here. it's just sometimes a lonely journey. but it's a good transitional one. i'm telling myself and believing it: onward and upward. and i'm not drinking about it. give thanks. and thanks for reading and helping me feel less alone.

rudyb

[jennyneric]

A glad but bittersweet moment

Rudy, you seem to feel lonely a fair amount of the time. Is there a friend you can go see that is sober when your child is away. Or maybe volunteer work that can be scheduled during that time. What if you saved all the weekly chores like cleaning a grocery shopping till those lonely moments come and then you will have something to do. Just a few suggestions.

[Lavande]

A glad but bittersweet moment

Rudy,

Honestly I'm sitting here by myself as well.....so we can sit together
My husband of 37 years decided he didn't want to be here anymore & walked out last April. I won't bore you with the details but I think he's nuts & I think this may be a gift in disguise.
Some days are hard & some days are not too bad. I will adjust because I have to.

Spending time here talking to people helps a lot. I think it's helping me to remain sane through this adjustment. So hop on whenever you need to - I do

[RudyB]

A glad but bittersweet moment

thanks jenny and lavande for your responses. i'm actually feeling better; i think sharing helped me clarify -and purge- the underbelly of my otherwise prescious, unclaimed eveining.

jenny, i actually don't feel lonely much, tho i totally understand how i've given that impression. i think i tend to want to post when i do have those moments, because it helps to write about it and hear back that i'm not alone in these feelings of being alone. and, in fact, though it's a very solitary and challenging time for me, i am usually quite content. (as i always mention, being al free sure does help me deal with everything as a strong person, not a victim of my own [de]vices.) you make good suggestions, for sure. i'll have to cook up some ideas for next saturday. a night out dancing, maybe? hmmm...

lavande, thanks for offering to sit with me. i t's amazing what a comfort cyber-connecting truly can be! and, i'd probably NOT find your story a bit boring, if you ever do care to share the details. why people break up, and how, and men's sometimes shocking behavior (and women's, too) are fascinating topics to me. ... speaking of, would you believe that the party i just left (sober, i'll add again) was an un-wedding ceremony. a couple w 19 yrs of marriage and 3 children vowed to take their lives harmoniously in new, separate directions in front of their community of about 60 friends. imagine that! pretty evolved, if you ask me. hey, since 50-some-odd percent of marriages end up in divorce, i think it's a brilliant idea to start a cultural tradition of un-wedding ceremonies. maybe that would underscore for people that it IS possible to move on with civility.

anyway, glad to be feeling accompanied, afterall. thanks again, both of you. now, i'm off to watch my show and sleep and wake up in the arms of a renewed universe (for me, anyway).
cheers!
rudyb