I was sitting in the bar

[Laurel74]

So tonight I went to our favorite karaoke bar for my best friends birthday celebration, as she told me that she wasn't going to drink (no AL on the diet we are on). Sooooo after three people bought her birthday shots, which she drank, I took off out of there like nobody's business. She is the only person that I have talked to so closely about my problem with AL. I left that place crying my eyes out. I really feel like she let me down. As I left, I gave her a hug and she said "Thanks for being so strong and I didn't plan on drinking tonight". I felt like saying Welcome to My F@#king life. I am so mad right now. I don't even know if I should be mad since it was her birthday after all. But I am. I feel like I can't count on her at all to even understand how hard this is for me. I drove by the store I usually buy beer, came home and changed out of my nice clothes and put on my pajamas. I am just so MAD! I should never have gone there.:upset:

[Laurel74]

I was sitting in the bar

Oh yes and it is day 6 for me.

[Popeye]

I was sitting in the bar

Hi Laurel,

I think you showed yourself, and your friend, a great deal of strength and commitment.
It's hard to count on others to keep to a promise as we so often break them. She did, but you didn't.
Bloody well done.

[Rags]

I was sitting in the bar

Laurel,
Don't be mad, be proud and pleased that so short a time into AF you didn't cave in.

Birthdays and any celebration that is held in a bar will involve drinking. But you didn't. That showed your great resolve and strength.

If there's a next time, stay in your nice clothes and take a long look in the mirror and remind yourself of the respect you have for yourself. Then get your nicest glass and put the soft drink of your choice in it, put on some nice music, and smile at how wonderful you are.


Find forgiveness in your heart for her.

[mario]

I was sitting in the bar

Laurel you did well in not taking that drink,good for you,
Unfortunately when we take on this journey & fight we are often left on our own,which in my opinion is the best way,keep up your commitment as it does get better.

[Kimberley]

I was sitting in the bar

Laurel - well done, that's a fantastic achievement in difficult circumstances.

Re your friend, I can only say that no, if she's not an alcoholic trying to stop then she will never understand. Sorry but facts are facts. I have many friends who care about me and have seen the legacy of me and alcohol but truly can not grasp why I can't just have a couple of social drinks. Even my oldest friend, who has dropped everything to drive me to hospital or bring me a bottle when I've been in withdrawal several times in the past year doesn't 'get' why I don't just have a couple and drink 'normally'.

Your friend probably genuinely does not understand how deeply her actions would have upset you, so don't be too hard on her. One thing I have learnt is that this is MY illness and I can't EXPECT other people to pussyfoot around me or change their behaviour just because of me. If they choose to support me then great, but if not then I am at peace with that.

But while many of your closest friends will have no way of empathising, you still have us lot who sadly know it all too well. So you can always reach out here.
K x

[Brigitte Bardot]

I was sitting in the bar

Hi Laurel,

First off congrats on the 6 days and not caving at the bar, as that is a very difficult situation to be in but you didn't cave.

My opinion might be a little different then the others with regards to your friend and the drinking. I firmly believe that no one is responsible whether we drink or not, it's not up to them to make us feel comfortable and make decisions on their lives whether they want to drink or not; for us. She was probably thinking that it was her Birthday and she wanted to drink and party, which is why she was at a bar. And this in no way really reflects how she feels towards you, but if she doesn't have a problem with Alcohol she can't really know the struggle you go through and may just think you had a bad go last time around and want to take it easy for a bit. It is really only up to you, you're the only person who can do this, regardless of forces around you which are out of your control.

[Popeye]

I was sitting in the bar

Brigitte Bardot;1046853 wrote: Hi Laurel,

First off congrats on the 6 days and not caving at the bar, as that is a very difficult situation to be in but you didn't cave.

My opinion might be a little different then the others with regards to your friend and the drinking. I firmly believe that no one is responsible whether we drink or not, it's not up to them to make us feel comfortable and make decisions on their lives whether they want to drink or not; for us. She was probably thinking that it was her Birthday and she wanted to drink and party, which is why she was at a bar. And this in no way really reflects how she feels towards you, but if she doesn't have a problem with Alcohol she can't really know the struggle you go through and may just think you had a bad go last time around and want to take it easy for a bit. It is really only up to you, you're the only person who can do this, regardless of forces around you which are out of your control.

Good point, well put.

[gyco]

I was sitting in the bar

doing it rite

Laurel74;1046734 wrote: So tonight I went to our favorite karaoke bar for my best friends birthday celebration, as she told me that she wasn't going to drink (no AL on the diet we are on). Sooooo after three people bought her birthday shots, which she drank, I took off out of there like nobody's business. She is the only person that I have talked to so closely about my problem with AL. I left that place crying my eyes out. I really feel like she let me down. As I left, I gave her a hug and she said "Thanks for being so strong and I didn't plan on drinking tonight". I felt like saying Welcome to My F@#king life. I am so mad right now. I don't even know if I should be mad since it was her birthday after all. But I am. I feel like I can't count on her at all to even understand how hard this is for me. I drove by the store I usually buy beer, came home and changed out of my nice clothes and put on my pajamas. I am just so MAD! I should never have gone there.:upset:

:goodjob:why feel down you did everything rite,it is not your friends problem ,if it becomes her problem one day you mite be able to help her,or him? and your rite chalk it up to a learning xperience,you shouldnt of gone ?you should feel happy for what you did,rather then SAD,:goodjob:74,EVRYTHING IN LIFE IS A LERNING XPERIENCE I WISH YOU WELL GYCO:H

[Wagoneer]

I was sitting in the bar

Brigitte Bardot;1046853 wrote: Hi Laurel,

First off congrats on the 6 days and not caving at the bar, as that is a very difficult situation to be in but you didn't cave.

My opinion might be a little different then the others with regards to your friend and the drinking. I firmly believe that no one is responsible whether we drink or not, it's not up to them to make us feel comfortable and make decisions on their lives whether they want to drink or not; for us. She was probably thinking that it was her Birthday and she wanted to drink and party, which is why she was at a bar. And this in no way really reflects how she feels towards you, but if she doesn't have a problem with Alcohol she can't really know the struggle you go through and may just think you had a bad go last time around and want to take it easy for a bit. It is really only up to you, you're the only person who can do this, regardless of forces around you which are out of your control.

I would have to agree with BB. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, we own our own AL problem, and even if others know about it, it is not their resposibility to change their behaviors to suit ours. I think if there was a bottle of wine in the house, my husband would have a glass right in front of me. Not to be mean, but I'm sure in his brain he is thinking "she doesn't want to drink but that does not mean I can't". Also, your friend was not drinking for dieting purposes, which is not like she had quit off AL altogether because of an issue with the booze. Being only 6 days in, I am sure it was really difficult and I think if I was in the same situation that early in my sobriety, I would have been mad as hell. I am almost three months sober now and FINALLY I am able to really understand what this nasty problem is all about and the wierd situations that come about when you are not drinking around drinkers. You did an awesome job by leaving a stressful situation. You are doing great and I really hope that this was more a learning experience and you can forgive your friend. ((((you)))))

[Cassia]

I was sitting in the bar

Hi Laurel

I am probably repeating what other people said but you can't be responsible for other people's actions and while its not particularly pleasant that she did drink when you thought she wouldn't, that was her choice. I know you feel let down but you did the right thing - you put your sobriety first and for that you should be proud.

I wonder if the tears came subconsciously as a result of the fact that you know deep down that your lifestyle might have to change for a bit until such times as you are comfortable around other people drinking - maybe it was a wee bit of mourning.

We can't rely on others to keep us sober - we can only rely on ourselves. We can't rely on other people not drinking cuz we aren't - regardless of what they say as we each make our own choices.

you will be fine..it's just another challenge.

l x

[greeneyes]

I was sitting in the bar

Brigitte Bardot;1046853 wrote: Hi Laurel,

First off congrats on the 6 days and not caving at the bar, as that is a very difficult situation to be in but you didn't cave.

My opinion might be a little different then the others with regards to your friend and the drinking. I firmly believe that no one is responsible whether we drink or not, it's not up to them to make us feel comfortable and make decisions on their lives whether they want to drink or not; for us. She was probably thinking that it was her Birthday and she wanted to drink and party, which is why she was at a bar. And this in no way really reflects how she feels towards you, but if she doesn't have a problem with Alcohol she can't really know the struggle you go through and may just think you had a bad go last time around and want to take it easy for a bit. It is really only up to you, you're the only person who can do this, regardless of forces around you which are out of your control.

This is my perspective as well. Great job that you kept you commitment to yourself and went home!

[Mstall]

I was sitting in the bar

Congrats Laurel on day 6!! Instead of being mad at your friend, look at how well you handled that situation! AWESOME!!

I bawled quite a bit a couple saturdays ago when i was with my family. seemed that everyone else could have a drink but me. however, Sunday morning i was so happy and relieved that i made it through my first weekend AF.

I hope you are feeling that way this morning!

[rubywillow]

I was sitting in the bar

The advice you've gotten here is a wonderful testament to the people here who REALLY understand how hard this is.
Laurel, it's a sad thing that so many young people now think they have to drink to have fun. It takes a toll; I've seen it, unfortunately. 'I'm gonna let loose and get s*#t faced' is a popular phrase for feeling due after working hard or a special occasion. I have a neice who has already been to rehab because of exactly that, and I'm sorry to say she's back at it, with her family participating.
Your maturity, intelligence, shows. I'm sorry it was painful for you. But this is YOUR battle, and others can't be blamed. I wanted to blame influences in my life, but once I let go of that, I knew it was me who had the problem, and me who had to fix it. Don't get me wrong, we need support, but we don't get it just anywhere. It's very hard to find people who really understand, like people here do. I'm sure she feels badly, and don't dismiss a friendship too easily. Use your tools from here, but only participate in places where there will be drinking when YOU feel ready. Otherwise, it's your choice to decline, to do something else.
Another thing about your post that bothers me is the way your friend started off not drinking, and the others kept obligating her, by buying her shots. 'Misery loves company'. It's human nature to think if everyone's doing what you are, it MUST be OK.
Great job on your sober time. There are trials, changes, to come with it, but the positive changes in yourself will be astounding. Have patience. It takes it to get over this problem.

[Laurel74]

I was sitting in the bar

Thanks everyone. I SO needed to hear some encouraging words after last night. I felt so alone in that situation but I know I am not alone, thank goodness for this board. I know I won't hold a grudge against my friend. She really doesn't know how hard it is. Kinda sucked though, as I called her to talk and got her voicemail Had a good cry again reading your replies and I feel a little more cleansed of the situation. I AM proud of myself. I know now that I am just not ready for that kind of situation. Many of the people there have seen me drunk off my ass many times and I think they were surprised to see me so SOBER. I felt uncomfortable and felt myself feeling so sorry for myself. I knew I would feel much more at ease at home with my dogs and a cup of sleepytime tea. I do want someday to be able to tolerate those situations and have fun. Gotta learn to be me instead of that embarrassing drunk who forgets conversations and does stupid stuff. Thanks again and especially Wagoneer for the hug. You guys are the best!!!!!