I can go days, weeks, months. Under a lot of pressure building my new company I suddenly get the taste for a drink. I know what I'm doing and yet I go ahead. Like a train with no brakes or some one heading for suicide! A few beers and I'm fine, then the inevitable mistake of changing to wine (it used to be spirits) and before I know it I am behaving like a fool and talking complete and utter rubbish!
Before I used to be worried about what people thought but now I realize they don't care two hoots, its just me making a fool of myself. Losing all my close friends, those that love me but have had enough of watching this dynamic person turn into a pathetic, self pitying loser with alcohol!
So why when I am on a crest of a wave..doing well that I suddenly have this desire to drink. Its career/life suicide. Am I punishing myself? It seems I want to stop myself at the crest of success and I live in the fight back out of the gloom and doom. One day I will go to far and something awful will happen,
I said somewhere else today that abstinence alone is not the answer but therapy into figuring out WHY is also very important. That I can believe for their has to be an answer to self destruction. Who out there is going through the same thing?
I dont drink regularly... its just a dreadful fiasco when I do and I just don't seem to be able to sort it. One friend said I should talk to a professional but its having the guts to do that. I only talk when I'm drunk.
Topomax really helped..but I reacted to it..so after 5 weeks where I felt brilliantly and the cloud lifted and stopped drinking so easily...I had to stop taking it and I am back in the deep black hole.
Is booze my mask? Yes..there is no doubt. Being in this barren place is not where I want to be and this is probably the most honest thread I have ever written. The bible says follow and believe in God completely and come out of the barren land. My heart is there and I believe. I believe if I ask all is possible and I can find the right solution. Somehow I have to see past the confusion.
Before I used to be worried about what people thought but now I realize they don't care two hoots, its just me making a fool of myself. Losing all my close friends, those that love me but have had enough of watching this dynamic person turn into a pathetic, self pitying loser with alcohol!
So why when I am on a crest of a wave..doing well that I suddenly have this desire to drink. Its career/life suicide. Am I punishing myself? It seems I want to stop myself at the crest of success and I live in the fight back out of the gloom and doom. One day I will go to far and something awful will happen,
I said somewhere else today that abstinence alone is not the answer but therapy into figuring out WHY is also very important. That I can believe for their has to be an answer to self destruction. Who out there is going through the same thing?
I dont drink regularly... its just a dreadful fiasco when I do and I just don't seem to be able to sort it. One friend said I should talk to a professional but its having the guts to do that. I only talk when I'm drunk.
Topomax really helped..but I reacted to it..so after 5 weeks where I felt brilliantly and the cloud lifted and stopped drinking so easily...I had to stop taking it and I am back in the deep black hole.
Is booze my mask? Yes..there is no doubt. Being in this barren place is not where I want to be and this is probably the most honest thread I have ever written. The bible says follow and believe in God completely and come out of the barren land. My heart is there and I believe. I believe if I ask all is possible and I can find the right solution. Somehow I have to see past the confusion.
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