What I really don't miss

[panicprincess]

What I really don't miss

Wow this post brought tears to my eyes. An hour ago I hit 3 days clean, woo hoo! I still feel guilty and ashamed of my stupid behavior and making my family worry. But I WON'T miss continuing to do so.

There are a TON of things I won't miss but a few of them are looking red and splotchy, gaining weight and being a total liar.

[autumn]

What I really don't miss

I have just re-read the thread, and cringed and cried. I can relate to almost every posting. I am just coming up to 4 months sober and feeling very reflective and reminding myself as to why I never ever want to go back to the dark days. I have had many slips and mess ups along the last few years, but I am trying so hard to stay sober, and this is longest I have achieved, and I feel so much better for it. I am just so mindful that it feels such a long time, but still only real baby steps.

I have an utter hatred for those days when it was such hard work to mastermind the next drink, drinking drained me of everything.

What I really don't miss,

Is the rattles and shakes, the sweats and the feeling of anxiety that you just have to have a drink to stop. Then knowing you are back on the roller-coaster of hell.
Finding new ways to smuggle alcohol into the house, and then where to hide it.
Crouching down in alleys or in public toilets to pour it into a water bottle so I could smuggle it into home, that just fills me with such shame.
Laying in bed trading anything with your self just not to drink tomorrow, begging that tomorrow will be different.
I really don't miss that feeling of self loathing, and just wishing I could stop.
Every morning, heaving my guts up and blaming it on brushing my teeth.That retching hurt so much, as the tears streamed.
Not keeping commitments because I had been drinking, or was just too drunk.
Putting the phone down cursing that I answered it, as I could hear myself slurring whilst talking.
Every part of my day had to be planned around how I could get away with drinking, from buying it, to smuggling it in, to not passing out mid afternoon & making it through the evening till I could pass out in bed. Of course whilst pretending all was normal!

I really don't miss it. I hated it. But I am so scared of going back there. So I just needed to reflect on all the reasons as to why I can't have that drink.

[mollyka]

What I really don't miss

Great thread Autumn - thanks for resurrecting it. It's reading this stuff that's very important for me. Reminds me of what I was --- not in a self-condemnatory way - but that I remember the reality of what I never want to return to.
Well done on the 4 months --- such a lovely place to be!!
Molly

[lolab]

What I really don't miss

Thanks for posting Autumn. I've read this thread so many times. I've linked to it, and bumped it, LOL...

I've thought about the thread starter and I wondered how you are doing. I'm so happy for you! Congratulations on 4 months! That's wonderful!

I recently celebrated 1 year and the honesty in these posts helped get me through many a tough day...:l

[Flossie]

What I really don't miss

Dear Autumn,

I am so pleased to see that you are back with us, it takes great determination
to even stop for a day so making 4 months is awesome so I know how good
you must be feeling knowing you have your life back again.

take care my friend

love Flossie xx

[autumn]

What I really don't miss

Thanks all, I have so often thought about coming back but was just so trapped in the drinking / quitting cycle! I had a lot of demons to deal with, but I am so grateful to be at my best ever. Although I am having a weird day with 2000 thoughts rattling around my head! I even went for a walk in the rain and then concluded that my weird thoughts were just plain normal emotions that I had become way too used to blotting out!!

I am just so scared of going back to the awful drinking days, things are really starting to take a turn for the better, my husband is happy, I have got a life back and outside interests that I could never manage as I was always drunk or too busy scheming how to get drunk!! I guess I am so scared that the voices telling me to drink will catch me off guard as I am loving my new sober me!

That's why I really needed to be reminded of what I really don't miss !!

[Mick]

What I really don't miss

Hi Autumn..just read your post..some pretty powerful stuff on there for anyone who thinks they are on the way down....unfortunately..most of us have to be on that slope before we realise it..we all suffer from ostrich syndrome..until its too late..what dont I miss??

Lying..hiding bottles all over the place
Pretending I am not feeling well when in actual fact I am half pissed
Not having to say..start tomorrow
Driving the next day wondering whether I am over or not
Moody for no reason
In short...being a knob !!

You can do it..you only fail when you stop trying

[K9Lover]

What I really don't miss

Bump...for Autumn!

[Gardener]

What I really don't miss

Being afraid to answer my phone after 8:00 pm cause I would slur my words . . .

Not answering my door, even to neighbors after 8:00 pm, sometimes earlier . . .

Breaking appointments with lame excuses . . .

Complaining of allergy problems to deflect red watery hungover eyes . . .

Lying about how much I drink . . .

[neferkamichael]

What I really don't miss

I don't miss the hangovers.
I don't miss the shame.
I don't miss the lies.
I don't miss the poverty.
I don't miss the booze.

[autumn]

What I really don't miss

Thanks so much K9 for bumping this thread.

I am back on the wagon, a week today after dibbing in and out. It was worrying that after twice doing 6 months sober, I still stumbled and picked up a drink, just damn crazy, I could scream. What did I think? I was 'cured'??

So here we are, back again with a strange calmness this time, after coming so close to being back in that hellish cycle of lying, sneaking in drink & hiding the empties......well we all know the rest. I am done.

I really don't miss the daily battle with myself
I really don't miss lying to myself
I really don't miss the twisted thinking
I really don't miss the painful process of tapering

Thanks again K9 for the bump, it has taken me all week to pluck up the courage to re-read my posts, as they were really really painful to write, but wow, was that pitiful scared person me? I don't want to be her again.

I want to be AL free.

[Unwasted]

What I really don't miss

Have you guys ever heard the roller coaster analogy? That being on one is fun for a while, but too long and it makes you sick? Perfect description for the alcohol ride if you ask me.

I don't miss:

The sleepless nights
Changes in personality
Feeling ill all the next day
Being aware of every single, aching moment while fighting the daily hangover
Worrying about what I'll say to embarrass myself
Being consumed by how to get my fix for the evening if I'm in a situation I can't control
The constant anxiety (which is now completely gone, by the way)
Worrying about what I'm doing to my body that I can't see

And on, and on, and on

[scottishman]

What I really don't miss

i don't miss who i was becoming, an insufferable asshole and cold hearted bad bastard

[K9Lover]

What I really don't miss

I don't miss being the girl that attracted all the insufferable asshole cold hearted bad bastards!

[scottishman]

What I really don't miss

hey darling, come here often?