It's very easy to be fooled into thinking that we can understand a person's feelings, particularly with a group of individuals who all seem to have the same goal in life. With us here at MWO that is combating our drinking problems.
I've certainly in the past been guilty of showing sympathy rather than empathy with a person. When we are in the process of being empathic with a person, we are understanding and experiencing the other person's reality as if it were our own. We are in effect walking alongside the person rather than putting ourselves in the other persons shoes. Yet we must also not lose sight of our own reality in the process. It involves a willingness and ability to enter fully into the other person's world without judgement; or assumptions based on our own experiences and beliefs.
Sympathy however involves a more reactionary process that involves making assumptions, either positive or negative, as to how the person feels based on our own (or sometimes others') experiences and beliefs.
I still have a tendency at times to show false empathy with fellow alcoholics/addicts as I can base that on my own experiences. In doing so, I deny the fact that however similar our circumstances might have been, we will have each experienced them in our own unique ways.
So It is important that the uniqueness and complexities of our experiences are not 'hijacked' in this way with showing false empathy or sympathy as we are actually hindering them rather than helping them move closer to their goal.
It is important to treat each person as an individual as the person will feel valued, appreciated and accepted as an individual in their own right. A relationship built on empathy (amongst other things) should enable a person to freely express their feelings and thoughts, in a safe and totally non-judgemental environment.
When I don't see the person as unique in their own right then I am tending to diagnose and categorise people through making assumptions based on my own personal experiences (and sometimes those of others) or in a collective belief that may be held by a certain group of people or individuals within society such as religious/spiritual groups and other organisations. For example Alcoholics Anonymous, Greenpeace, The Labour Party etc
One of the first things we do when we hear of a death in the familly of a friend is to offer our condolences to that friend. Based on what? It's not based on anything other than a conditioned response to a situation without even knowing how the person feels about it. We assume that because we have suffered the loss of a loved one in our own family we know this to be the same for others too. It's not always the case. I was speaking with someone only the other week about my father dying back in 2003 and she did exactly this and said "I'm sorry to hear that". I had to ask why she was sorry! I've moved into a place where I absolutely love my father and have nothing but fond memories of him. So why should someone be saying "sorry" for that? I'm grateful I have these memories of him!
There is a great little saying by Herbert Spencer that he is credited with in the Big Book of AA at the end of "The Spiritual Experience". "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation
In any relationship, making these kind of assumptions is being ignorant of the other persons uniqueness and will no doubt be detrimental to the help you can give within that relationship. That can be said of ANY relationship (even the cyber relationships that we have here with one another).
So ask yourselves are you actually helping people here or are you being overly sympathetic and making comments based on your own experiences? Don't feel guilty about it if you are, we all do it from time to time. Just be conscious of what your post is saying to the other person. Is it about them or is it about you?
Many Blessings
Phil
(Thanks Hermit for the inspiration for this post!)
I've certainly in the past been guilty of showing sympathy rather than empathy with a person. When we are in the process of being empathic with a person, we are understanding and experiencing the other person's reality as if it were our own. We are in effect walking alongside the person rather than putting ourselves in the other persons shoes. Yet we must also not lose sight of our own reality in the process. It involves a willingness and ability to enter fully into the other person's world without judgement; or assumptions based on our own experiences and beliefs.
Sympathy however involves a more reactionary process that involves making assumptions, either positive or negative, as to how the person feels based on our own (or sometimes others') experiences and beliefs.
I still have a tendency at times to show false empathy with fellow alcoholics/addicts as I can base that on my own experiences. In doing so, I deny the fact that however similar our circumstances might have been, we will have each experienced them in our own unique ways.
So It is important that the uniqueness and complexities of our experiences are not 'hijacked' in this way with showing false empathy or sympathy as we are actually hindering them rather than helping them move closer to their goal.
It is important to treat each person as an individual as the person will feel valued, appreciated and accepted as an individual in their own right. A relationship built on empathy (amongst other things) should enable a person to freely express their feelings and thoughts, in a safe and totally non-judgemental environment.
When I don't see the person as unique in their own right then I am tending to diagnose and categorise people through making assumptions based on my own personal experiences (and sometimes those of others) or in a collective belief that may be held by a certain group of people or individuals within society such as religious/spiritual groups and other organisations. For example Alcoholics Anonymous, Greenpeace, The Labour Party etc
One of the first things we do when we hear of a death in the familly of a friend is to offer our condolences to that friend. Based on what? It's not based on anything other than a conditioned response to a situation without even knowing how the person feels about it. We assume that because we have suffered the loss of a loved one in our own family we know this to be the same for others too. It's not always the case. I was speaking with someone only the other week about my father dying back in 2003 and she did exactly this and said "I'm sorry to hear that". I had to ask why she was sorry! I've moved into a place where I absolutely love my father and have nothing but fond memories of him. So why should someone be saying "sorry" for that? I'm grateful I have these memories of him!
There is a great little saying by Herbert Spencer that he is credited with in the Big Book of AA at the end of "The Spiritual Experience". "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation
In any relationship, making these kind of assumptions is being ignorant of the other persons uniqueness and will no doubt be detrimental to the help you can give within that relationship. That can be said of ANY relationship (even the cyber relationships that we have here with one another).
So ask yourselves are you actually helping people here or are you being overly sympathetic and making comments based on your own experiences? Don't feel guilty about it if you are, we all do it from time to time. Just be conscious of what your post is saying to the other person. Is it about them or is it about you?
Many Blessings
Phil
(Thanks Hermit for the inspiration for this post!)
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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