an explanation

[spuddleduck]

I really don?t want to post this but I feel I owe it to anyone who read my drunk ramblings a few days ago. Ive had to take deep breaths and put my big girls pants on to post. First of all im sorry for posting when drinking ..again. Also I feel rather silly being bothered about this issue as I know a lot of people went through a hell of a lot of crap in there youth, and this doesn?t compare. Obviously though it is still bothering me.
It sounds like nothing when im writing it down. To be brief, its all about when I was a child. Age 7 is when it all started. Basically it is just about my dad giving my mum a load of crap?? about anything?.. But a lot about what me and my sister did.. Anything we did wrong ( and believe me we weren?t bad kids, just the usual silly things) my mum would get shit for it. Of course it was mostly when he had been drinking. I used to lie in bed dreading him coming home as I knew what would happen. As I got older I would try to go to sleep with music headphones on so I couldn?t hear it but I would take a sneaky listen so I knew what was going on. I learned a lot from my older sisters mistakes and always tried very hard not to do anything that would cause trouble. I think this is where I have a deep seated worry about pleasing people? and i find it hard to speak up for myself. And always feel that if something is wrong that I have caused it. I also learnt to lie a lot to my parents?. Just little things? if I thought it would cause upset I would lie lie lie (again, believe me, I wasn?t a wayward or rebellious teenager in anyway).I would be so tired the next day at school as I had been awake listening and then worrying about it. I never talked about this to anyone, not even my sister?. And I never cried for years? I just wouldn?t allow it. For years I hated my dad, but I would never show it as I didn?t want to cause upset. I think things are coming back now as he is old and very ill and I find it difficult. Have I forgiven him? I don?t know, I don?t think so. I did have a drunken talk to my mum a year or so ago. Needless to say she was very upset that I had all this bad feeling in me. She says she forgave him, saying he was a jeckyll and hyde in drink. (oh yes I know that so well). She feels awful that this had affected me? and of course I felt awful for burdening her with it..I would never have discussed it with her sober.
None of this got me to drinking so I don?t really feel this stuff belongs here on a drinking site . I drank very little when I was younger, it was in my mid 30?s when things started to get out of hand with drinking.
I went to a cbt councillor last year but found it upsetting and didn?t feel I could talk. Ive talked to my sister about it. She can hardly remember it so god knows why its still with me.
Sorry this is such a long post but as I said I owe you an explanation.

[sunshinedaisies]

an explanation

Oh Spuds - trust me I so understand - I finally forgave my mum when I was in my late 30's, early 40's - and the only way I finally did it was by talking to a counsellor - I hadn't even known that is what was bothering me - BUT once it all came out, it was if a huge weight had been lifted from me - you really need to talk to someone about it. Mum and I have a great relationship now and if your dad is old and ill, it would be good for both of you to try and resolve this. Have you and your mum talked about it since? maybe you could try to?

Apart from your episode the other day - how is the drinking going? Are you trying to stop/cut down? What are you doing? Let us know what happens - we are always here for you, you know that.

Love and a huge hug to you,

sun XX

[Lavande]

an explanation

Spud,

It's good to get those feeling out whether here or somewhere else! Sometimes the act of just talking it all out really helps!
Forgiving those who hurt us in the past releases us! Let it go, don't let it continue to drive you.

Take care :l
Lav

[one2many]

an explanation

I get it totally, grew up in a similar situation myself. Good on you for getting it out there.

[Doggygirl]

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Hi spuds. I can see that it took a lot of courage for you to post this and I commend you for it.

It has become obvious to me that many of us with alcohol problems also have some heavy baggage from childhood that we tote around. I have no idea if there is a "cause and effect" relationship between the two, but as I sit around the tables of AA and get to know people, it's just clear this sort of thing is a common thread for so many.

Please do not feel alone. Please do not feel like the circumstances that wounded you deeply are less significant than someone else's circumstances might be for them. Please seek help. I know it is possible to move beyond these things, forgive, and enjoy the good life that you deserve. Many people have done it. It takes hard work. And sobriety.

:l You can start today to make your life better spuds. I hope you do it. You don't have to try to do it alone.

DG

[Flossie]

an explanation

We still luvs Ya don`t ever forget that ok.

Flo x

[paula]

an explanation

Hi Spuddleduck, I haven't posted in a long time, but felt the need to respond to your post. My childhood was similar also lots of abuse, that has taken me years to come to terms with. Finally I can find some peace, although I am still trying to forgive my parents, who are long dead, one day maybe I will.
I found the book Stop Thinking Start Living, by Richard Carlson very therapeutic.
Best of luck.x

[mama bear]

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Spuds...
PLEASE talk to someone.....my childhood could be made into a movie.
I was taken from my mother at the age of three and was a foster child till I was 13. Different mommy and daddy every 6 months or so.
I have tried to take the things these experiences did that made me the good person I am today, rather than let the sad and angry feelings drive me.
I, too, have talked to a therapist and found it VERY cathartic.
So please baby.......let it out. It will help

[Ringing Cedars]

an explanation

I'm glad you got it out too Spuds and you know my feelings about posting while drunk....who the hell can say they have control under those circumstances. I do hope you continue to explore those issues with a qualified counselor you feel comfortable with and that it gives you strength on your journey to sobriety.:l

[Guest]

an explanation

Hey Spuds

Just so you know I remember my father saying that us children created all the arguments between him and my mum. As a child I remember hearing my dad shout "It was you that wanted the children". I was in my bedroom at the time. I was brought up strictly and always felt as if I couldn't do anything right, that I wasn't good enough and sometimes I used to rebel and do something for attention anyway. Most of the time I was well behaved to a T, but had the mistaken belief that I was an inherently naughty child. A friend of mine once said that my dad was always shouting, I just thought that was normal at the time. Apparently it isn't. I think some of this has definitely washed over into drinking. By the way there was zero alcohol in the household when this was going on, so I don't even have the explaination of drinking for it.

Can't believe I'm posting this in public - I'm just trying to say you aren't alone in some of that stuff you posted.

[free at last]

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Spud, I am not very vocal on this site, but do get strength from reading the threads. I read your posts the other night and knew you were in pain. I have a similar childhood in an AF household. UK Blonde, I hope you are doing well with your plan.

[Chillgirl]

an explanation

Spuds - i think the more you express how you feel the more you will heal. Emotional pain is like a poison running through our veins and bit by bit it can be flushed out. I think your drinking will be very much related to this and to any other issues that are difficult to face. We learn that drinking gives us a very temporary numbing of our pain and we use it as an escape when reality is too difficult to cope with. All this does though is bury the poison even deeper and i actually think your ramblings last week were a positive thing in getting you to talk about it.

On the subject of forgiveness, there is a wonderful book called "Radical Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping, i have it on audio as i find repeatedly playing it helps reinforce the message.
Wishing you well Spuds and sending you a BIG :l

[spuddleduck]

an explanation

wow, thank you so much for your kind and positive responsesto my rambling . seems like some of you had similar stuff going on. as i said i think its all rearing its head again is cos my dad is coming to the end of his life. i used to wonder if i would cry at his funeral. i now know i would... after all he is my dad and he did a lot of good things for us kids. those years definately gave me some negative habits and self esteem issues but its a long time ago and i am now in charge of myself. i did have a thought that his 'bad behaviour' started at around the same age as i was when my drinking escalated, so in a way i should have some sympathy for him. i dont suppose there was the same support back then for people with alcohol problems. i suppose at the time i didnt realize that it was mostly alcohol related because it was all i knew. dad drinks, shit happens. anyhow i guess i need to keep working through these thoughts..... sober preferably.

[Wagoneer]

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Hey Spuds - you were very brave to put it all out there and I think that is amazing. You have so much strength of character - and I know you wlil be able to overcome this beast. I had a messed up childhood too. One therapist, instead of helping me, just sat there staring at me and said "My God, you need to write a book!" I promptly left. Have gone to therapy since, and need to go back again methinks. My knucklehead parents are long since dead and I never got to make peace wth them. I cut off two of my siblings because they were mirror images of my parents. I think that was part of my drinking issue. Now that I have stopped drinking, I rarely re-live those memories. Good or bad, maybe I have them locked away. Who knows. Anyway, you are loved and I am sending you positive vibes and prayers.

Love Waggy

[mama bear]

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Sheri..that was great. Thanks.