Family Dilemma

[Wagoneer]

I got a note from a cousin last night who spoke to my sister the alcoholic. She is about 15 years older than I. I have not spoken to her in over 8 years because of her drinking. Apparently she is sober 2 years but the damage is done. My cousin said she only has weird memories and cannot focus on a question. It was difficult to talk to her, she has words mixed up in sentences.. She did say she missed me though which broke my heart. I cut her out of my life because she was too hard to handle, would not accept help and was the mirror image of my father when he drank. I did not want that in my life nor the lives of my kids. When I did drink, I always compared myself to her - she drank Vodka, had bottles all over the house hidden, drove while drunk, went in public drunk....I never did those things. Of course I drank a bottle and a half of wine a night. What a hypocrite I was. Anyway, I am not sure what to do. I am not ready to open up my life to this drama, but I see that the alcohol has damaged her and who knows what is down the road for her. I am really conflicted about this. She is one of those people who brings up the past constantly and the past is something I have already dealt with and don't want to deal wth again. Oy.

[JackieClaire]

Family Dilemma

Oh Waggers,
A tough call,sweetheart.

I'll just have to give my initial thoughts and probably come back to this later. I have to say that your number one priority is your sobriety. Followed by the your own health and that of your kids and husband.

I'm nearly afraid to say this as she's your sister but it just might be time to let her out of your life altogether. But as I say these are just initial thoughts.

J x
:l

[byebyebridgetjones]

Family Dilemma

Your post just caught my eye Wags.

It's tricky isn't it ?

But if there's any time to put ourselves first, whatever that means in practice, this is it.

You always have the option to recontact at a later stage, in your own time, don't you ?

Bridge

[gyco]

Family Dilemma

hi wags people are sittting bac thinking of there pasts rite now and not replying a person can change but the past history doesn t i wish you well

[Cassia]

Family Dilemma

Hi waggy,

Sorry to hear you are going thru this. My initial reaction is that you just leave it until you are ready if ever. If you have dealt with the past and she has a habit of bringing it up, it will only stress you out. You gotta put you first. Just because you both drank doesn't mean that you are similar in nature so please don't feel like a hypocrite. I suspect that part of the reason you may want to contact her is for that reason - you feel like a hypocrite which is just not true.

I am very much a what's done is done person. I struggle with all this make amends stuff. I am probably going to get dogs abuse for saying this but I actually think it's kinda selfish. I know when my sis was going thru her make amends stage it was more her recovery as opposed to my forgiveness. It really pissed me off.

I would only meet her if you feel it would benefit you and not to placate her. It's a hard thing to do but that's my advice.

L x

[Wagoneer]

Family Dilemma

Thanks Cassia. I really appreciate it. So much to think about. Blech.

[Cassia]

Family Dilemma

Aye I know. It's not any easy one but you will get there. Sending lots of positive vibes your way. Xx

[madmans]

Family Dilemma

Hi Waggy , my brother and i have not talked for years for the same reasons ( also the fact that he stabbed me didn't help ). He is about 10/11 years older but still drinks like a fish , i don't think he will ever stop it will kill him first . I don't have any love left for the man that is now drinking and while he still drinks i will never contact him or want to but if he was sober for even 3/4 months and wanted to talk to me i would, all the bad shit he has done to me while he was drunk was done when he was drunk if that makes sense . i remember the good man he was before drink took him completely and know that it could be so easily be me in his shoes . only you can make the call on this one Waggy as every ones life is different just do whatever you think is best there is no right or wrong answer. PS could you not get her married off to that brother in law that lives with you sort of killing two birds with one stone

[greeneyes]

Family Dilemma

Waggy, that is just your cousin's perception of the interaction between the two of them. If you feel inclined to do so, you might want to make your own decision based on your own interaction with your sister. I say this because my siblings and I have very different opinions of and relationships with each other. You might get along fine with her. You might not. If you were to make contact with her and didn't like it, well... why couldn't you just resume today's status quo? 2 years sober may have made a big difference. Probably not very helpful......:l

[greeneyes]

Family Dilemma

madmans;1065035 wrote: PS could you not get her married off to that brother in law that lives with you sort of killing two birds with one stone

madmans...:H

[prancy]

Family Dilemma

I realize that your sister is somewhat addled by her previous alcohol consumption. However, she could reach out to you. Then your decision would be different - to reject that overture or not. You said that your cousin said that she says that she misses you and I am sure she does. If it were me, I would wait for her invitation to talk/see you before allowing something that bothers you come back into your life. I have a sister I have not spoken to or seen for 5 years. I feel bad about it, but not enough to let her and her destructive ways back into my life.

[mollyka]

Family Dilemma

Waggy, I have 2 sisters I haven't spoken to in 3 years - since my mum died. They didn't have a drink problem but they were toxic people - to my mum, my family and me. I couldn't let them back into my life for anything - they too would be insistent on bringing up the past I don't doubt - and interpreting it their way. Our rift may be different in that even tho I have been a drunk for some time, drink didn't have any bearing on any of this - I can say that hand on heart. My drinking only escalated really round that time.
I'm waffling now, cos I don't know what you should do - only you know what's best for you - you are what counts in this now. I'm inclined to agree with Prancy tho - let her make the overture if she wants to, and then make your decision.
Molly

[Wagoneer]

Family Dilemma

Sheri and all, thanks for your responses. With my sister, I have always forgiven her. Over and over and over and over for years. And in all truthfullness, I would love to have the sister she was years ago back in my life, but not the alcoholic one. She caused havoc in my life. Calling day and night, creating drama. Promising my kids things and never once following through. Causing hard feelings between other family members for no reason. I asked her to be in my wedding and she was so drunk she couldn't even understand the question. I stopped being the sister that said "Oh that's just how she is" and "that's ok"...not any more. I am just not prepared to have the drunk sister back in my life. I may reach out to her if she is sober and has been affected by the drink, but I will not have her back in my life drunk. NEVER. She chose booze over a relationship with her family. We tried to help, but she didn't want it. I am not going to sacrifice my life now and bring that drama back into my life. I can't. I have had a hard road up to this point (not like we all haven't) and been through absolute hell over the past 20 years to get to where I am now finally. She will not take that from me, sister or not. Jeez, I am getting myself all worked up about this again. I think many of you are right. She wants a relationship with me if she is sober? She knows my number. I will make a decision then. Until then it's out of my hands.

[Doggygirl]

Family Dilemma

I'm very grateful that the significant people in my life have not taken a "what's done is done" approach with me. I never killed anyone in a car accident while drunk, but I DID behave in some really horrible ways. I know my parents and especially my father were extremely hurt when I "called in sick" from family gatherings that meant a lot to them. (so I could stay home and drink - that part they really never knew) I know my tongue was definitely not kind when I was drinking, hungover, and generally operating in my completely selfish mode for all those years. I certainly was not the exemplary family member that I often expected other people in my family to be. I was to be forgiven for any mistakes and they were to be perfect in my eyes at all times.

I guess what I am saying is that at least in my family, we have all made mistakes. And many of mine were directly related to drinking. I have been far from perfect. So far be it from me to expect it from others.

On the amends process (Cassia I assume you are speaking of it in the AA framework?) You are right that it is absolutely about the recovering person in it's initiation. In order for me to achieve contented sobriety, I have to deal with the "wreckage of my past." I cannot control whether someone chooses to forgive me. I can only focus on what I CAN control which is to 1) express my sincere regrets for shitty things I have done and 2) try to behave in a better way going forward. Other people forgiving me for the rotten things I have done is not a criteria for "success" with that step. The REAL success comes from my doing better today than I did in the past. Then I must let the chips fall where they may in terms of other people's response to my new actions.

For everyone who is dealing with family pain as a result of alcohol induced problems, my heart goes out to you. And my hope for all of us with these family issues is tha we find the path that will lead us to personal peace with it - whatever way that is.

DG

[Doggygirl]

Family Dilemma

X-Post Wagoneer. I think your stance is reasonable. If she truly wants to be a part of your life again, she will have to be willing to earn it, and to accept the truth about the past and the consequences. That's all part of recovery too, IMO.

DG