Family Dilemma

[Cassia]

Family Dilemma

Hi all,

Yes DG - I was referring to AA or in my sisters case NA.

Wags - I would also say that me and my sis have a great relationship now but it took something pretty significant to get to that point. I prefer to leave the past in the past and forget about it. As I said to my sis at the time, there was no need to apologise. We all make mistakes. She subsequently went on to show that she wasn't genuinely sorry which made me realise that the apology was just going thru the motions.

As you say, she has your number.

[Marshy]

Family Dilemma

Wagoneer;1065385 wrote: She wants a relationship with me if she is sober? She knows my number.

Maybe now she's sober she feels ashamed of the way she's behaved and is too embarrassed to contact you.

I'm not suggesting what you should or shouldn't do but I also behaved badly during my many drinking years and it's possible that's why she hasn't contacted you.

[Wagoneer]

Family Dilemma

Maybe I am not being clear. If she was sober and apologized, I would absolutely forgive her and move on, albeit at a distance. She has always been a pot stirrer, the alcohol just made it that much worse. I know most of what she has done has been from alcohol. I get that. But if she is truly sober and wants to make ammends, then that is up to her. I am not a heartless bitch - I am one of the most forgiving people you could meet, but I can only forgive for the same thing so many times before I have to draw the line. I am kind of sorry I brought it up. I guess I was just venting. Thanks for the responses.

[dancelot]

Family Dilemma

Wagoneer - Your own sobriety needs to stay your number one priority, especially in these early stages. Your stance is quite reasonable, given the history between you two, and with your family.

At a later date, you may feel differently. I myself was really concerned about the "making amends," and was told by my sponsor I will be at a much different and stronger place by the time we get to that point. I bring this up only in the context of healing old business and whatever part I may have had in it (as in letting go of my own resentments).

It sounds as if she's the one who needs to make amends to you, and that is her issue to deal with. The fact she feels bad about her behavior or misses you does not give her a free pass. You are willing to forgive her if she is sober and approaches you. That is fair. If you still choose to keep a needed distance from her after the fact, that is fair too. We can love our family members and forgive them but must also realize sometimes we may never have back a close and cozy relationship (if we ever did - sometimes it was only wishful thinking, not reality).

I wish you the best! :h

[Doggygirl]

Family Dilemma

Cassia;1065398 wrote: She subsequently went on to show that she wasn't genuinely sorry which made me realise that the apology was just going thru the motions.

FWIW, that is not what is recommended!!! I know people who have waited YEARS to deal with a resentment issue because they were absolutely not able to offer sincere regrets. That can certainly make things worse as it seems happened in your case.

DG

[Mish]

Family Dilemma

Wagoneer;1064767 wrote:
Apparently she is sober 2 years but the damage is done. My cousin said she only has weird memories and cannot focus on a question. It was difficult to talk to her, she has words mixed up in sentences.. She did say she missed me though which broke my heart.

I am really conflicted about this. She is one of those people who brings up the past constantly and the past is something I have already dealt with and don't want to deal wth again. Oy.

Wags, your compassion shines through in this post. You are certainly not cold hearted.
It sounds as though your sister has sustained some really serious damage from the years of abuse. You may never have the relationship you want with her if this is the case. However, if she is sober 2 years and wants 'a' relationship with you, I (and this is only my point of view) would be prepared to give it a go. Seeing as how she has some other toxic qualities, whatever relationship you do have would have to be very much on your terms. Maybe start with a phone call once a week, or lunch once a month, and see where it takes you. You can always build a "new" relationship quite different from the one you had before or during her drinking.
If things don't work out, you can always back away from her again, letting her know the door is always open if she's prepared to respect your boundaries.
I hate the idea of cutting out anyone significant in my life until I've exhausted every possibility of making it work. Then, if that happens, I can walk away knowing I've done my best.
Sorry, this probably isn't very helpful, but I'm not at all sorry you posted this as I think many of us encounter this and the discussion about it can throw some light on it for others as well.

[Wagoneer]

Family Dilemma

You guys have all been helpful in helping me sort this crap out. Thank you

I wrote her a letter because I am too much of a wuss to call her right now. I sent her pictures, etc too. I included my cell number so it is up to her if she wants to contact me.

Again, thanks for everything my friends. You are all awesome.