Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

[Kimberley]

I have just been reading a few posts about when we look back and miss alcohol and the 'fun' we had with it, and then wipe those rose-tinted spectacles clear as we remember what really went on. I'd love to hear more experiences of this, as I often suffer from forgetting-what-actually-happened syndrome

For example, I miss having my 'little secret', stowing my bottle away and having something that was just mine. Yes I really can convince myself I miss that hiding sometimes - I truly feel that. But then I remember the other hiding that I hated- the empty bottles, having to find ingenious ways of getting rid of them and not being noticed. Horrendous, guilty feelings and so much effort!

And then thinking back to (many) years ago when I would just have a few beers with mates and have fun - how nice that would be again. REALITY CHECK: I haven't drank a beer in years. I do not want anything less strong than 40% proof and that is true. Even when I tried drinking beer a few years back when I tried to moderate, I would take secret double-shots at the bar or buy a bottle of spirits on the way home or while I was out and drink it in the pub toilet...yuk

Anyone want to try thinking back to the good times then admitting what the REAL truth was? I'd love to hear your stories. I find it enlightening to think it over this way.
K x

[Bruunhilde]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

The good times were really lots of nights of hiding drinking, filthy little secrets, that weren't secrets at all in many cases. A drunk is usually recognizable as a drunk, whether or not the imbibing was seen. Think of the embarrassing phone calls the next week, where people say "so how do YOU feel?" and worse.

[rubywillow]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

I drank and drove, got caught. Ended up in SUCH embarrasing situations, trying to remember how I got there. I endangered my grandchildren. I humiliated my husband. I humiliated my family. I broke things I treasured, and didn't remember it the next day. Yeah, what fun. I DON'T miss those days, but I wish they never happened.

[Sarasmiles]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

I too have suffered from "forgetting what actually happened syndrome". It's painful to remember the things that happenend, but this time around I'm making myself do so. I often re-read the journals I've kept over the years, which are full of details about the unhappiness, guilt and anxiety drinking has caused me. They are such good reminders...the incredibly repetitious nature of the cycles I've gone through...doing a little AF time, then deciding to try moderation again with some new plan or list of rules...managing for a while, but always full of tension over it. Then the inevitable time when I have "one too many", feel ashamed and depressed and "commit" to being abstinent. Then I write about how great it feels to be free of alcohol...how I've never been so happy; how everything seems more manageable now. It lasts a little while - anywhere from a few days to a few months, and then the fantasy of "drinking moderately" rears its ugly head, and the cycle starts again.

So, yes, reading my own journal entries helps me remember. So does re-reading my old posts here. I once started a thread I called "Why I want to let go of moderation". It spelled out very clearly what my thinking was about why I would never drink again. I think that was about two years ago. Every now and then I re-read it. It makes me sad, because I have gone back to the same mistakes several times since then. But keeping the memories alive and honest seems to be keeping me sober this time. I hope and trust that some day I'll spend less time having to convince myself that yes, indeed, I did have a drinking problem! But for now, it's essential that I keep reminding myself of the reality. And I believe I will always have to be on guard against "forgetting what actually happened syndrome". Thanks for giving it a name!!

Oh...and one other thing I do. I tell my husband and one dear friend little bits and pieces at a time. Until recently, I hid my drinking from my husband well enough that he didn't think I had a real problem with alcohol. He thought I could control it, if I'd just try a little harder. Now, I tell him my secret horror stories, in small doses. I told him recently about sneaking shots in the kitchen while he read in the living room, and then walking in with a glass of wine in my hand, acting as if it were my first drink of the night. I told him about the time I popped out to the car while having lunch at a restaurant, so I could guzzle a drink (we had been camping and had an open bottle of wine in the trunk) I had been too embarrassed to order yet another glass of wine, and too much of an addict to do without it. I have not yet told him that the reason I scraped up the side of our car pulling into our garage one night was that I had been drunk. I'm keeping that one in my back pocket, in case he ever again tells me he thinks it would be fine for me to have a glass of wine...or in case I do.

Sara

[beagle]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

good thread kimberley. good posts too. painful to read, but yes i can identify.
luckily, i have hurt no-one but myself, & don't have any children to have scarred or displayed drunk behaviour in front of, but that doesn't make me any less guilty of drink sneaking, driving pissed, & endangering other people on the road & my precious cargo of beloved horses & dogs.
reading here is very grounding. it gets increasingly difficult for my al brain to justify it's actions. rather, i'm just reminding myself every time i read someone's personal hell that i could end up there , if i don't DO something about it.
sure, i have had many a time where i can't remember last night, or the movie, or the conversation.....
so thanks for starting this thread up.
self awareness is beginning here .

[prancy]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

I think I often forget what really happened and convince myself that I can drink again - always moderately, of course - is that it truly is incomprehensible to me how I end up in the middle of a binge. I can look back and see what went wrong but I cannot for the life of me understand why I could not stop myself. I mean, I understand it is an addiction, but on some level I cant believe that I cannot control it.
Over the years, I have amply proved to myself and everyone around me that I can't control it, but those bad memories just fade and I remember the good times before the binge. And that sneamyvoice arrives and the next thing I know I am "moderating" again until the next humiliating, depressing,bone-wearying time.

[Stargazerlily]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

I hate the memories of waking up thinking, 1)where am I? 2)is it safe to move? 3)am I going to be sick? 4) what did I say and do before passing out? 5) the aches and pains start, the embarrasing memories begin, the strong feelings of shame, guilt, horror. 6) tossing and turning, sweating and aching for hours and hours till it's ok to get out of bed. 7)the aching nauseating thirst and drinking lots of water in the middle of the night, trying to feel better as the haunting thoughts continue to torture. Lot's of fun, huh?

All for maybe about an hour of feeling good. Let's face it, the first drink or two going down is pleasurable, but the next 24-48 hours is a humilitating hell. The first drink or sip sets up the allergy, the feeling of wanting more. I find that an unpleasant reality, something I really noticed the last several times I drank alcohol. Immediately wanting and planning for more.

Thanks for the memories.

[coalfire]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

Great thread Kimberly. Thats what I love about MWO. You are sitting in your home thinking about a certain issue and then you log on to find someone posting about the exact same thing.

Prancy you said" it truly is incomprehensible to me how I end up in the middle of a binge. I can look back and see what went wrong but I cannot for the life of me understand why I could not stop myself. I mean, I understand it is an addiction, but on some level I cant believe that I cannot control it."

This is the big issue for me right now. I am in the middle of a fully committed 100% genuine AF run. I am fairly desperate for this one to be "it"-you know the AF run that really gets you sober for the last and final time. It will break my heart if I have to post a relapse this time and as a result I am going over every previous relapse in my mind trying to get to the heart of what exactly went wrong so that I can head it off at the pass. Easier said than done. One of the things I have identified is the trance element to my relapses. I wonder can anyone else relate to this? There is about 5-10 mins where I am aware that I am craving and then something comes over me. I have my coat on and my feet are taking me to buy my alcohol supply before I even know what is happening. The thing that shocks me the next day is the absolute lack of fight I put up at the time.Its as if all my previous fight and Mwo posts counted for nothing. If you asked me the next day what made me throw away my AF run so lightly the truth is I have no idea any more than you do. The trance theory is the nearest I can come to explain it. This has been worrying me so much that I decided to order some antabuse. I am waiting to see if it makes it past our over zealous customs. I only plan to take it prn. The idea is to take a half IMMEDIATELY the craving comes-before that trance like feeling kicks in. If I wait until the trance comes then its too late. So that is going to be my attempt at dealing with the "forgetting what actually happened syndrome" Great name by the way. I could see that term sticking. ps stargazerlily. You describe it so well its painful to read. If a normie asked me to describe the very essence of alcoholism I would show them your post and say thats it. That is our condition.

[Stargazerlily]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

I just reread my post and have to say I am so thankful for another weekend AF. It was not a perfect weekend, but there was fun, peace, work, love, you know, normal stuff. Not the alcohol focused drink/recover cycle.

I am keeping a particularly horrible moment in my mind, if I am tempted to drink. So, maybe, pick a specific bad memory, keep it clear, then when the cravings hit, bring it to mind. THEN, immediatly, your positive strategies: cup of tea, eat something, call someone. HALT. Take care of yourself, and remember the real outcome.

[EnglishWriter77]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

I used to think of a bottle of vodka hidden in the laundry basket or something as my 'security blanket' and I would ONLY TAKE A SIP if I needed to.

Of course, I NEEDED to every 5 minutes, until it seemed I either had a real pee problem or I was obviously sneaking off for a drink.

My whole family and friends got to know this and yet in my drink addled mind, it wasn't apparent at all...

[Mema]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

You know, I don't feel right posting here because today is my first day sober in awhile and I am determined to get back to a sober life. I can tell you that I had 19 years sober and while there were some VERY sad and challenging times during those years I never even thought about drinking to help me through those bad times. For the most part I was VERY HAPPY and felt great! And I want that life back!!!

My trigger was I had to go back home to take care of my elderly father for two weeks. My family is not close and I have really bad memories from growing up. I had worked through all that stuff and never thought about it any more UNTILL I was back taking care of my father and making him drinks all the time. I don't know something snapped in me and I had a drink with him which made him happy.

It's been three years of drinking a bottle of white wine every evening (which is much less than when I was drinking 22 years ago, YAY at least for that)! But I was much happier and healthier and had WAY more zest for life when I was AF.

So here I am back at step one on my first day scared to face the night without my handy glass (es) of
wine. The biggest difference today is I am not angry at anyone and I have set up a peaceful life for my children and me, So I am hoping that with the help of this forum and all you lovely people that I will find the peace I had from not drinking back and before I know it I will have 30 days, six months and a then a year. I hope I hope I hope!!!

They say that you actually relapse WAY before you take that first drink. For me that was true, I let my defenses down, went into a dangerous (for me) arena and allowed lovely thoughts of numbness by drinking into my head. We must forever be vigilent and surround ourselves with supportive friends.

[dancingon]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

The bad times to remember usually involve a dreadful feeling of guilt and shame the next day, when I realise I couldn't remember conversations had with my kids or movies we apparently watched together, or even worse if I fell asleep in front of the movie and can't recall going to bed.

[KundaliniGirl]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

Mema, sending you peace and strength!

KG

[TRUCKER123]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

Hi Mema, I just want you to no your not alone my home group aa here i heard of several people with 20 plus yr's picking up a drink. That's one of the thing's i don't like about aa the gossip i don't even no if you go to aa but anyway im glad your back on track... on a postive note just think of all the yr's you saved your liver and organ's among other problem's that could have happened your still a success in my book! Trucker

[Mema]

Forgetting-what-actually-happened Syndrome

Thank you Trucker and Kundilini! It is great to be here! Yes I used to go to AA and met bunches of lovely people there. This is so much more anoynomous (?) and fun. I feel like I am "talking & listening here" without having to listen to a bunch of whiney people before I hear someone with great wisdom. Don't get me wrong, AA is really terrific for many reasons and I got lots of good sobriety out of it, I think I just got tired of it and the obligation of it. Which is really very selfish of me..Anyway I love this forum and hope that the wisdom and friendship I already feel is enough to get me back to the happy place I want to be. That is what this place is! My happy place!

P.S. I also hope that I am able to help anyone who needs help with whatever small amount of wisdom I may have gleaned all those years sober. I will say that for me the sober life was WAY more fun and enriching than the numb cocoon drinking wine every evening gave me...I want it back!!!